Wow. That's one heck of a story. I can't really tell you anything that you don't already know about yourself and your situation. My only advice is to do what you can to find a way to cope with your fears in a reasonable manner. Talk to someone face to face if you have to... find something that you feel comfortable with that will ease these fears. The truth of the matter, is that while fear cautions us of danger, it can also cripple us in many situations cause the very thing you fear. Just find a way to relax man. You seem very tense to me about all this. Just relax and be cool. Things will be okay.