Well, she is gone now. I feel so sad right now. I missed her before she has\d even left. I don't understaND HOW WE COULD HAVE HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCES IN this relationship, yet she does not feel as badly as I do about this. I just want for this to work out and it's very hard to have patience right now. I am scared, lost, unmotivated and somewhat deceived. I am really borderline, non-functional right now. How am I going to make it through this semester like this? I'm so scared and I don't even know why. I feel like I can't even use my "welfare checks" any more -- thay've heard it from me a million times and I feel like such an idiot falling into these same moods over and over. She really must be in a different state of mind than I. Maybe, if I can just graduate I will begin to see life beyond this relationship but god damn it's hard right now. I'm not close to my own parents and all my friends are guys. Sometimes I just want a hug and for someone to tell me that I'll be alright. I'm starting to feel that if I don't get ahold of myself, I will have to end contact with her just to save myself. I don't want to do this -- if I could just stay cool and wait it out, this is my best option.

I don't believe she is being wishy-washy anymore. She is really becoming comfortable, I believe, with this whole situation and I'm freakin' dying here. I thought this weekend was great, but it has come at great cost to my emotional stability. I sure as hell better feel better tommorrow. I cannot keep doing this to myself -- I'm not Superman. I just want to cry but it doesn't help; it makes me feel pathetic and scared that if others knew how much I still thought about this, they would kick my ass. It's been Seven weeks that this has been going on and at least a month before that -- she started getting distant. I thought it was just pressure from the upcoming graduation (hers) and the stress of school and work, that's all. I don't know what to do. This is the woman that I want to make my wife. I haven't proposed, but I want to see that my future has some stabilty first. I want to propose, but this is not the time. Not only are we on the rocks, but I'm not where I wanna be, yet.

I was already planning on a way to see her next weekend (needy, right). She didn't commit, though, she just said, "remember, we lead different lives now." Damn, that stings! This after she repeatedly tells me, "I Love you," and cuddles with me all morning and night. We made great love, but I admit, it was on her terms. Maybe, I can see the writing on the wall and I swear I see YOUR A DAMN FOOL up there somewhere. Man, Love really does hurt and I, seriously, am a guy who believes in Love's triumph over all, but my doubts are about to make sushi out of my beliefs. I guess I'm just naive and maybe I'm scared to lose that. What kind of a scared person will I be if this conquers me. Will I ever treat any woman as well as I've treated her? Will I continue to be a good guy or will I hold it against any girl who looks at me cross-eyed. I'm scared right now and I shouldn't be. I can take care of myself, I'm self dependent, mostly; I used to have confidence and sometimes I still do, I have a bright future in front of me and planty of reasons to have hope that my life will be a satisfying one. I don't want to fear this anymore, I'm sick of hearing myself whine about something I would slap someone else over. Maybe, that's what I need, a great big ass slap that would rub some reality in my face. I don't want to go to jail to get it or fail college either, but I could use one. It's not the end of the world, I know, but it means everything to me and now it seems like such a mistake to let anything grip you that hard. How do I release grip on this. If someone knows, I will take the first step. I'm ready to start thinking about me again. If I could do this, then I could be happy with myself, even proud. I know that I would. Thanks guys, I'm out.