"A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. It says to the syrup "You ain't goin' anywhere!"

I believe this source has ALL the Mitch Hedberg quotes
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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"Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror, cause I get better loking each day. To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man. Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doing the best that I can." Mac Davis