In this poem, I don't think the 'when i'm asleep' part of each verse really fits to the flow, if anything, it breaks it up. It makes the poem a bit scratched up, and lost, feeling something is missing, an 'emptyness' - which is kind of the point of the words, so i guess it does fit.

The darkest hour
In time of need
talking to
myself asleep

I wish this moment
passes soon
it only ends
when I'm asleep

this pain inside
i cannot keep
it goes away
when i'm asleep

i'll dream those nights
away in bed
away from here
when i'm asleep

I do not
want to feel this week
but it only ends
when i'm asleep