Another thing I didn't mention. In public I've never been as confident and shy-less(is that a word?) in my life. I'm a lot more outgoing, talk to people a lot more and act confident. But I've noticed I feel the complete opposite. I honestly lack confidence in myself and well I feel like I'm not up to par with what I should be physically. I'm not fat, not ugly, just an average joe. And the most odd thing has been crossing my mind. I've thought about what if I used steroids. I mean, it's completely random. I've never felt this way before. I don't do drugs. I don't even drink...but I've thought about steroids. And it kind of scares me to think I've actually thought about it. I just feel like there's something wrong.

I guess I feel like I lack confidence but I put on a show for people so I seem like I'm ok with myself. I just don't feel good about myself right now. I guess you can say I'm not quite satisfied with myself

I think neo may be right though about me being depressed. I'm going to go out for a run at these gorgeous bluffs overlooking the ocean near my house. Haven't been for a run up there for years. I'm going to start forcing myself to start running again. In fact I think I need to set myself a goal, I'm going to train for a 10K and try to find one to race in. I haven't done a race in almost a year and can hardly do a 5K anymore.

I think I've been hiding my feelings through food, I've been eating on an average of about 4-5 times a day. Surprising I haven't gained more than 5lbs.