So call me crazy...but I think I finally realized why I've been feeling so crappy. I had a very awkward dream last night. Well I was in a car with the guy I'm pretty sure was the guy cheating on me with my ex. So I said something along the lines "I know what happened." And somehow I ended up outside of the car and I'm chasing him on a motorcycle. He gets off at the off ramp I would get off to get to my ex's house. I ended up losing him, was pissed off I wanted to kick his ass so badly. Then I woke up sweating feeling like crap.

My breakup with my ex was terrible. I was heartbroken, embarrassed, angry, and so many other emotions. I'm not one to open up to really show my emotions. The first week and a half or so I couldn't hold it in, I hadn't cried that hard in years. After that I was still hurting but I guess I kind of kept all those emotions to myself. I would run and workout like a mad man, hang out, and do hobbies to keep my mind off of it. I guess these past months I've kind of put on a show and even convinced myself that I'm fine. But I'm not...I'm still hurt. I think a lot of my resentment towards women in general about jokingly being crazy man-eaters is because of this as well. I kind of transferred the pain I've been feeling to anger. I guess it's kind of eating away at me and I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I've tried to go out and run still. I go on and off but I just don't feel like myself and it's hard. I feel helpless and lack motivation. I've tried finding someone else but that just didn't work. Last girl I asked out kinda blew me off. But now I realize I'm not ready for a relationship but I want one...if that makes any sense?

**** me...what the hell did I do to deserve this crap? I treated her like ****ing royalty and she threw it back into my ****ing face. Now I'm the one that has to carry the burden of her consequences.