What set me off ? Its a total combination of past events that just build up inside of me. Elena just happend to break the last thread and it all just came out at once.

Every since Destine left I've been holding in alot of built up negativity. No, not just from her. Most of it is from my dad. I have to tip toe around him because I live in his house. I can't go by my own rules. I cant date who I want to date. I cant go where I want to go. I cant even eat what I want to eat. But instead of "talking back" to him as he likes to put it, I bite my tongue. I dont like confrontations or uneasy grounds where I sleep at night. Its just how i am. And if i make him mad enough he could very easily kick me out, and to be honest I'm not ready for that yet. I use his truck because i dont have a vehicle yet. Thats the only reason i stay there, to be honest.

In the past everytime he made me mad I moved out. The first time I left home I was 17. and I went back once after that with Destine. The two of them got into a fight so I got out of that situation and left again. No I am back there for the 3rd time. And this time i am walking on egg shells because the smallest thing will set my dad off. And once he goes off, I'll go off and we'll get in a HUGE fight (a physical fight) and one of us will end up in the hospital and I'll move out again.

Ok, enough about him. I'm tired of thinking about him.. Lets move on to Nick. You guys remember Nick, right ? My only friend. Well, he is not really all that much of a friend anymore now that he is back in school. I havent seen him since we went to a baseball game on sept 6. So this has furiated me. I actually thought I had a friend that I could hang with and trust, and all of a sudden he stops talking to me. I used to call him up to see if he wanted to go somewhere but he always made excusses. "I'm tired. I have school in the morning. I'm washing the car. I'm going to the movies with ***. blah blah blah" stuff like that. So I stopped calling him. Now i am back down to ZERO friends. I dont hang with anyone. I dont talk to anyone. I dont go places with anyone. Ok, so I do all these things with Elena. But as you all know she's only been using me to buy her things. So thats not really a friend, thats a user. I bet you if I take her somewhere Saturday and dont buy her anything that she'll get really upset and wont want to hang with me again. I'd bet an entire paycheck on that.

I've liked Elena for a long time. At first she seemed like a really cool friend because she was into the guitar as much as I am, and plus she kicked ass at it. So we would hang out and play the guitar together, me, her and Nick. Then we all stopped playing guitar as much and started going to malls or beaches or something. We started to go out into the world again, the three of us. Then Nick bailed. So Elena and I started to go out alone, or with my brother, or one of her friends. Elena and I seemed to grow really close to each other during these times. I found out how badly she was hurt in her past, and she found out about mine. We then REALLY got close. We would be right next to each other, we would hold hands, I'd have my arms wrapped around her holding her as she would rest up against me while we stood in lines at places. Just little stuff like that. But the little stuff means so god damned much to me. I'm not in it for sex, or for a title of "boyfriend" or anything like that. I'm in it for the companionship that we were having. The closeness that made me feel so comfortable. The intimacy without sex. Idk. I cant explain it.

Then last sunday after I dropped her off from going to the mall we hugged as usual and then she kissed my check as usual, then she grabbed my chin and straightened my face to hers and she kissed me on the lips. This to me is a "Hello, you're now my b/f" kind of thing to do. So I was totally pumped up and excited. Everything that ever hurt me in the past floated away. Nothing bad existed anymore. I smiled a real smile (which is RARE from me). We then saw each other again wednesday during my lunch hour. I was taking her to the afternoon class cause she missed the morning class. And when we got to the school we kissed again. Mind you, these are just little pecks, no tongue or longness involved. But they were perfect kisses that made me melt everytime.

Ok, So after this second kiss I'm thinking "ok. so she is my g/f now. this makes it a done deal in my book" So I'm going on with my daily life, except I'm happier than usual. Odd. Me happy ? NO ! lol

Ok, so... Thursday we ate lunch together and we got to talking and i forget how or why but we got to taking about relationships or something and she said "We're just good friends." and everything I was feeling for the past 4/5 days went crumbling down to pieces. It just shattered everything. And my only reply was "I know that." And that was that. we talked about other crap and then the lunch ended shortly after.

When everything went shattering down thats when the anger and depression came back. How can someone build up someone like that, just to shatter them ? Who could be so god damned mean like that ? If she had no intensions on dating me, why the hell did she kiss me ? Thats just ****ing wrong. She should have never kissed me.

And THATS what set me off. everything negative that I've been building up for the past year or two just came flowing out and into my head all at once. I became very irritable and violent. Especially towards myself yesterday.

ok - i got inturupted here at work just now and forgot where i was going with this post.. so I'll end here hoping i already made my point.. whatever it was...

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Yeah... That's right.

-Billy