hi guys! well, here i am a year later with an update, can you believe it?! august 2002 was my last post...

and now it's sept 2003!

so first off, , memrie, sorry it's taken me quite a while to get back to you! thank you for directing me to your post -it was interesting to read about a similar experience but from the other perspective. you sound like a wonderful guy and i hope your gal comes around soon (or has already). i hope everything is going wonderfully for you and would love to know how things turned out.

as for me and my college sweetie... i met someone in september 2002 ...so i tried once again to forget my ex ...in otherwords, i stopped our e mailing back and forth (as per the reasons mentioned in my first post) ...but that of course was unsuccesful as i still thought about him and felt horrible for disappearing yet again without explanation or apology.

the new guy and i became a long distance couple in january 2003 and it was apparent to me that although my then current beau said that he was crazy about me, wanted to marry me, have children and a future together, that he wasn't willing or able to put the time and effort into me and our bond. so, i sent an e mail to my ex wishing him happy birthday, and he wrote a short reply -thanking me and wishing me as well (our bdays are a few days apart).

shortly after, i called my then boyfriend out on his conflicting words and behavior -and at that time, it seemed that he was dedicated to making a change for the better, so i again stopped communicating with my ex. from february until june, even though i was silent, my ex sent e mails at least once a month, just saying hi and asking how i was.

finally, it was obvious that i had been prolonging the inevitable -that it was time to break up and move on. funny thing is, even though i care and am concerned for the last person i dated, i was relieved that it was over, and just hours later, took the opportunity to write my ex.

it was a short "hello -remember me?" type e, starting with an apology, then asking him how he was and what he was up to.

he wrote saying that he had been wondering if he'd ever hear from me again (so he had been thinking about me, right?) -and that he was really happy that i had written (yay! i'm guessing he had been hoping to hear from me!) he also let me know that he started grad school in another state.

my reply back was just catching up type stuff -he had asked what i had been up to in the time we had been out of contact. i also let him know that i would soon be moving to his part of the country. i let him know that i am proud of him, happy for him, and also thanked him for his encouragement and support while we were in undergrad together -other than my family, he was the only person to advise me to fulfill course requirements necessary to go down the path to professional school (which is where i am now) even though at that time i was unsure and ambivalent.

his next message was brief -he didn't sound like himself, but mentioned being tired and needing to go to sleep. before signing off he asked where i'd be and when i'd get there -which i took to mean that he'd like to see me if it was close enough and if possible.

i let him know that it would be nice if we could get together (we'll be only an hours drive away from each other) ...and when he wrote back, he agreed. he also kinda surprised me by explaining why he had sounded so low -turns out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend (kinda odd to think that he had dated someone else, but why wouldn't he have?! -it's been 6 years!) ...anyway, it occurred to me that even though he was in a relationship, and even though i hadn't been writing back, he had been tryingrepeatedly to initiate contact with me (which is what he had done in the past) -so that must account for something right?!

well, i wrote back today, here's an excerpt:
"i'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through some tough times. i wish it wasn't the case, and hope that you will be happy again soon ...even though you might feel miserable now, have faith that things always get better. i truly believe that everything happens for the best in the long run, and think it helpful to find reason or lessons in the painful moments that we all inevitably experience. please know that should you want or need someone to talk to ...for a shoulder to lean on, or to simply hang out and do nothing with together, i am here for you.

(college sweetie), we've known each other for about eight years. granted, our being in touch with one another has been completely sporadic since the time of our break up ...even though years sometimes go by, in which we have life impacting experiences and mature as a result of -i feel like we always pick up where we left off. each time we are back in touch, i find that all those wonderful qualities about you haven't changed at all -i still know you to be an amazing, compassionate, intelligent, fun, and beautiful man. you are one of the best people i have ever known. you deserve only the finest, and all the happiness life has to offer. like i said in my last e, i am certain that you will achieve whatever your heart desires ...it's just that sometimes it unfortunately takes unsuccessful trials and more time than anticipated. anyway, i am able to tell you from personal experience, that she lost someone truly special and that it will be difficult for her to find another as unique and as exquisite."

so i hope that wasn't too much info, but it's what i'm thinking and feeling and know that it might cheer him up to hear it. i'm excited because we might be hanging out as soon as two weeks from now. there are two topics that i want/should approach with him, but don't know if it appropriate and if so how to approach it...

the first is that i want him to know i feel about him ...i don't know if i should keep quiet for a little longer -afterall, he is going through some post break up sadness ...and then, when i do, should i ask if he's ever wondered what it would be like if we ever attempted to date again?... or would it be better to just say something to the effect of "i still have feelings for you and i think that we have so much in common and are more compatible that we had allowed ourselves to believe back then ...so if you agree and feel that way now or in the future... i would like to see what could happen with us..."?!

and then, regardless of whether we are going to be friends, a couple, whatever ...i kinda feel like there's some stuff he did and said, and even though it was so long ago ...it hurt me so deeply that i'm still carrying that around and feel like it's kind of hindering us and is a burden ...i hope he'll take responsibility for his actions then and the consequences now -to just hear me and know what happened and apologize ...because we had a great relationship, which was followed by this awful horrible damaging break up that came out of nowhere ... (at least for me ...not at all on his part i don't think ...cuz i kept how i was feeling from him and it wouldn't be surprising if he's absolultely clueless as a result of being kept in the dark) ...so i don't know if that would be odd to bring up now after so many years. maybe in a lighthearted manner... i don't know.

what do y'all think? does it sound like he's interested, does it sound like a good time for me to bring up this stuff with him, is our break up something that should be talked about only if we pursue a romantic relationship, or is it okay to bring up so the air is clear even if we are only going to be friends for now...? well, it would be great to hear what you have to say...

hope everyone is happy, healthy, safe, and lucky in love...

little d