Originally Posted by sfalexi
Sounds like you guys just aren't a good match. You're one for punctuality, she's clearly not (and it annoys you, and will continue to annoy you for as long as it happens), you're one for sticking to whatever word you've given, she seems to be flexible to changing plans without letting you know, you're one that returns calls and can be gotten a hold of, she's not, etc. etc.
Just seems to me like you guys aren't compatible and probably won't be.
Alexi
hey, alexi.
thank you for the thoughts.
the thing that keeps getting to me is that i wonder if her behavior might be passive-aggressive/obsessive compulsive personality disroder types of things. i have looked at the DSM4 (psych. manual) and her behavior fits the bill pretty much to a T for both. her upbringing was nearly impossible (and i've seen how that could be when i've visited her mom, e.g. - VERY harsh in ways and her mom seems to have abused her verbally and emotionally and can be very selfish, though not very consistent [will be very harsh and demanding, then take it back when she cools off], and my ex described all of this to me independently). i also recognize (more so now that i've looked around at some of the psych. literature and spoken with some people - friends, family, counselor, forums) that my handling of her behavior was contributing to it, to some extent. so it seems to me that with what i've learned, at least, things could go better (if not always well), and that a more objective perspective (like a counselor's, not her friends' or family's) could just help her see how others see her behavior.
it also might help to note that i generally don't worry too much about occasional lateness (even of 1-7 hours, as the case sometimes was with her), occasional forgetfulness about my needs, etc.. i can be guilty of the same sometimes, and know we're all human. it happened so regularly, though, that i finally would say things about it, which was nearly invariably met by extreme (relative to what i've ever experienced before) defensiveness, lack of empathy and understanding, and repeated similar responses to when i'd try to discuss it (even, sometimes, removed from the incidences and any apparent moods). it's THAT that bothered me.
what do you think of it with that context? what do you think of the incidences i described (e.g., the "coming over" > "maybe not, but will let you know" > not letting me know > not returning calls > "i couldn't have known you were calling" in this context > then later "i had my cell and it was charged" all the while she hadn't, and hasn't since, "stayed over with friends" or felt the need to not walk the couple of blocks back to her place after a movie at friends)?
thanks very much for your perspective. i look forward to more.