Hi;

As per title, I'm new to your forum. I actually found this site through a search, registered and am now here. I need a place to "sound off" and hopefully gain some abstract advice on something that has stayed with me for years and has now resurfaced. I'll start from the begining........PLEASE bear with me as I need to talk about this and need some advice......

About 21 years ago now I went to a nearby town where a cousin of mine lives to see him and show off my new car. I called and we agreed to meet at a service station/car wash kids hung out around back then (1983).

One particular freind of my cousin Chuck's was Johnny. Johnny was an ok guy, but I always (as did everyone else) sensed tension with his girlfreind Judy.

Well, time went by and I dated several girls from the area. One weekend my cousin and his girlfreind along with the girl I was dating went to an arcade/roller rink in a neighboring town. Upon arriving and getting out of my car, we heard some yelling and screaming around the cornor of the building. My cousin and I went to check it out. Low and behold it was Johnny and Judy arguing. They didn't see us and Chuck pulled me away saying "oh god....here we go again". I asked what he meant and Chuck said.....you didn't know? Johnny is a real "hot head" and gets mad if Judy does anything he doesn't like. About that time you could hear Johnny REALLY raise his voice and Judy screamed out......Chuck had a hold of my arm but I pulled away and went over there. Johnny saw me then and tried to smooth it over. I didn't bite seeing judy crying and asked him if he wanted to try that on someone his size and his gender........he got pissed at me and I gladly beat his ass. Judy finally told me to stop, and I did, but I could tell she was thankfull and she smiled at me and whispered "thanks". We left and didn't see Johnny or Judy for a few weeks.

Welll.....here's where i was an ahole too and I'm sorry about that. What I mentioned above, I knew I was attracted to judy.....but she and Johnny were actually engaged so I knew that was a "no go". My date and my cousin and his girlfreind went to a wedding dance for one of my cousins freinds and I guy I knew by then too. We weren't there for a half hour and my cousins girlfreind Diane pulled me aside......she proceeded to tell me that judy was there, her and Johnny had broken up for good, and she wanted to talk to me to thank me. Diane said she would keep my date Lynne occupied and I went over there to talk to Judy.

We talked......and talked.....and danced.....Lynee eventually got extremely mad (and I'm still sorry for that) and Diane and Chuck took her home...When they got back, Judy and I took Chuck and Diane to his car and we sat and talked some some more.....it was obvious there was VERY strong mutual attraction, but we both agreed it was to soon after Johnny. I brought her home and that was that for 5 weeks.....I never saw her, she never went out.

In the meantime, Johnny hooked up with another girl and actually started talking to me again. Almost 2 months later one Saturday night, whom shows up out of the blue??? Judy! LOL! She walks straight up to me and asks "why in the hell haven't I called her???" I was floored! I told her I wasn't sure I should and was waiting for her......To make the next part short....Judy and I were an "item" from that night on!

Judy had enrolled in nursing school at the University of MO that Fall and being some 80 miles from her, had to move up to Columbia. I lived closer by some 30 miles and at first we just swapped weekends....I'd go up, or she'd come down.

I absolutely adored her.......to the point, and this is honest to God fact, we were sitting outside a bar we were leaving one night and she asked me...."Mark, why haven't you ever tried anything on me?" I hadn't......I respected her THAT much and was even considering waiting until we would hopefully get married......I told her that and I believe it floored her......she actually started crying and said she couldn't believe she had turned a "bad boy" like me (I liked racing and pulling trucks) into such a "softy" and that I must really love her. She said she was SO glad it was me that showed up that night and admitted that she was crazy about me from the time we had met.

After that, we couldn't take it.....I quit my job and moved in with her and her roomates in Columbia. Things were great, but if anyone is old enough to recall, jobs were scarce back then so I eventually had to take my job back in my hometown (which happened to be for my father as I was a construction foreman). It finally got to the point I HAD to move back down there because the work and drive were killing me.

The next Spring things got kind of rocky......I still don't know what happened completely.....a roomate of hers told me that she was cheating on me during the week when I wasn't there.....I blew it off but it kinda' stuck with me....finally, the other roomate told me the same thing.....I had to confront her. I did so and we got into a huge fight! Judy said it was only Kelly wanting to break us up......I told her it wasn't only Kelly that Kim had told me too! She then got REALLY mad and I ended up leaving, she said not to bother calling.....so.....I didn't.

Over a month went by and again, I thought it was up to Judy to call......she didn't.......after 2 months and no contact, I figured it was "over" for sure.

At that point, Kim told me............Judy had moved back home. I found this REALLY odd......why would she give up everything and move home???? By this time, I had stopped hanging around with my cousin up where he lived (as well as Judy) so I decided to go see him. I talked to all of them and yeah, they knew it......they knew we had broken up, but didn't know why she moved home. They said she never went out at all and just stayed at her parents house. I asked Diane, Chuck's girlfeind to try and find out.......

About 2 weeks later i get a call from Diane.....she told me to come up, she needed to see me about Judy. I took off and raced to her and Chuck's house (Chuck and Diane had gotten married 6 months prior). Diane told me that Judy had moved home because she was pregnant! I FREAKED! Diane told me to settle down though because........it wasn't mine.....I was floored and even though they tried to stop me, I just stumbled out in a daze and took off.

I didn't handle this well at all

Well.....a few years go by and I had met a girl. I still thought about Judy everyday.......but told myself to forget it and move on......I eventually married this girl......it lasted all of 1 year 1 month.

After the divorce, on a whim, I decided to go see what was happening in Rosebud........well, talked to Chuck and believe it or not......I had picked the weekend that Judy was getting MARRIED! it was not to the suppossed fater of her child, but to some guy she had met where she worked. Everyone told me this guy was not "her" but that her parents were pushing her to marry. They all said they never saw her anymore and she never came around or called. They were all invited......but were not going to the wedding. They decided they needed to go to the dance/reception AND BRING ME! I said no way.......but after a few beers......they talked me into it. We walked in and I swear......her jaw hit the floor. Mind you, it had been nearly 2 years now. She didn't come over or say a word......but kept an eye on me all night. Then came the dollar dance.......(an old midwest thing where guys line up to dance with the bride and give her a dollar for the privledge) Chuck and the rest pushed me, so I did it......Well, finally it was my turn. She looked at me, smiled, and put her head on my shoulder......I never said a word.....she did though.....she just said "Mark, I love you and I'm so, so, sorry, please don't hate me and never forget me". That was it......I turned and left.......the rest came out to find me crying.

I never saw Judy again although I got weird phone calls with no answer, birthday cards with no signature.......even an X-Mas presn ent delivered to my parents home with no name or anything except a card saying "I love you".

Fast forward to 1999. I've since remarried and have 2 kids of my own. Aug 12th of that year though......I fell 17' and totally messed up my back. 2 years of therapy and the doctors tell me there's no way I can ever work again.

Out of the blue March 24th (Judy's birthday) (and by the way, yes, I still thought about her at times.....just wondering how she was though) my MOTHER receives a call......it was from my cousin Chuck's wife Diane. Diane tells my mother that she has recently begun talking with Judy again.......seems Judy confided in Diane that it really WAS my child! I called Diane and she told me that Judy asked her to never tell anyone, but Chuck and her talked and Diane decided she had to, but didn't know how to reach me. Judy told Diane that after all these years never a day has passed that she hasn't thought about me, but could always see me in her son......she said she didn't think I was ready back then to be a parent............or at least that's what HER parents got her to believe.......She says that she will never love anyone half as much as she still loves me and that her husband is fine, provides a good living, but she's never been happy and still hopes someday to be able to be with me again.

Well.......there it is.......I'm serious......this is killing me, and it's the truth honest to God.......I've got another son I've never met.......the woman whom has been in my mind and my heart for over 20 years has felt the same about me.......but I've got a family and kids I love......I'm going crazy people......what should i do? Sorry for the long post......but I had to get it out......I haven't been able to talk about this for so long........

PLEASE.....I AM SERIOUS AND NEED SOME OUTSIDE OPINIONS>>>>>