Originally Posted by misombra
why is she still so scared to do what she needs to do to make her happy. she gave up her chance with you because somebody told her to. she gave up the chance for her son to know you as a father because somebody told her to. now she's going to give up a chance for her son to know his father because her husband wants it that way? will she ever learn? does your wife not know about her step son? if not then you should tell her. be honest with your wife. that's one of the things that can make being in a relationship with sombody so unhappy, is them not knowing you, not being transparent, having big secrets. i don't think she'll divorce you over that. it wasn't your fault. she said it wasn't yours and you believed her. her reaction might be shock and confusion but it's a lot better than a husband that has this secret that boils up in his mind every now and then. do what you think is right and don't worry about the consequences. easier said than done i know but it's better to have it out in the open. it can only make your marriage better. marriages will always have problems like this to deal with but the point is to deal with them together and help each other no matter how big or small that problem is. and judy should learn to do the same, be honest with herself and not be afraid of other people. those people have lived her life for her. i don't know why her husband would be upset about you meeting your son. maybe because he believes that your son is his since he raised him or whatever i don't know. if it were me and i was deep into this situation i would want my child to meet his father come hell or high water. no earthly being would stop me. that's what it is to live life, to take risks, to do things on your own and trust yourself. the way you describe her it doesn't really sound like that's her. try to be in touch with him. he's an adult now and you don't have to go through his parents. if you don't you'll always think about it. and your wife will never know one of your biggest secrets. you never know how somebody will react so one shouldn't really concern themselves with the reaction of others. you might be surprised with your wife. she may just be supportive and give you the help you need and you just might realize that she is a stronger person than this other woman could ever have been, and that this person cares for you and your wellbeing more than any other woman could. i don't know your wife so i couldn't predict a reaction in the least. that's just the ideal situation. you don't know. why live your life trying to hide from your wife? why is judy letting other people dictate what she does even though the consequences have been far from favorable. she ultimately got both of you into this situation, she'll go either way. she'll either try to end the situation or she'll get you deeper into it. who knows. i say be honest with yourself and with your wife. it makes things a whole lot easier. yeah?
misombra;
Apparently, she believes that is what she is finally doing...(doing what SHE needs/wants to do for her to be happy).
No, my wife knows about Judy, she has since we got serious way back when....but knows nothing about my son....yet anyway. That's part of my problem, how/when/what to tell her. She has been very defensive/jealous in the past over "old girlfriends", my ex and Judy to the extent she would not allow me to go to the town where Judy lives when our oldest played sports there because she was afraid I'd run into her. My "ex" and her (my wife) actually went to school together and haven't talked in over 10 years now.
From what I gather, mostly from Diane, my cousins wife, her husband's problem is twofold. 1) as you say, he is very jealous because he is the only "father" Jonathon has ever known.....and I agree completely.....I can never be that. 2) Apparently they have had their problems over the years, and at least some of it has been because of me.....she told him about me too, then he apparently somehow figured out who I was and that I was at their wedding reception.....she had apparently tried to find me again a few years back online and he found that.....In fights between them she has apparently told him that she wishes she would have never married him and went after me......honestly, why their still together, I'm not sure from the sound of it, but then I have to reallize that my cousins wife is once more friends with judy and believes we should be together.......
What you said next "i would want my child to meet his father come hell or high water no earthly being would stop me." is apparently what Judy also believes now, but I think that she knows if she does this, her marriage is over..."that will be the last straw" is exactly what she told Diane my cousins wife...and there are 2 other kids there too.
You're right though, I don't have to go through Judy to meet Jonathon.......I've considered this too......
I'm not trying to hide from my wife.......I've just simply never had to deal with anything like this and quite frankly, wanted others opinions before I did tell her. You're right though, it's difficult to judge because you don't know her.
About being honest to myself.......I believe that's one of MY biggest problems right now......I don't know if I'm over anaylizing or what, but there is honesty in everthing I have to consider......I love my family, I have to meet my son and I loved this woman more than anything else I've ever loved......she went away, but now she's come back......I know what she did to me was wrong and I know it makes no sense.....but just the possibility that we could finally be together again is very hard to fight.....I've never been a good writing person so I probably can not convey it that well, but for a long time, she was the only thing that mattered to me, then, I thought she dumped me........I hurt so bad for so long........and now I find out she never did want to dump me and it was her sending me all those things for years and years.......
Can you see how hard this is for me?
