best friend, lover, potential BF material? [Archive] - Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion


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20-07-06, 03:36 PM
Its a long story, but bare with me.
One of my friends (lets call him MR. W) and I hooked up after a wild nite on the town about a year ago. The physical attraction/chemistry had always been there, i think the alcohol just unleashed the beast. As we'd known each other for a few months (at that point) and as we are both a part of a tightly knit group, i was sorta "off limits" to him and any other guy in the circle of friends(sort of a unspoken agreement between us!)! I am not a girl to get emotionally attached after what could be concidered a one nite stand or blamed on alcohol consumption. However i knew the attraction was there before that nite and frankly had a crush on him from day one but considered him "off limits" as well. After that nite, i HAD to talk to him and let him know how i felt. So i did! The answer was pretty much ... "i like you a LOT, but i am not ready to commit!" Alright! Fine ... i was disappointed! But I had my answer and prepared to move on! No need to dwell! Our friendship resumed as if NOTHING had happened, until some weeks later ... we hooked up again! And again! And Again! and so on!
As I mentioned before ... i am not the emotionally attached one ... u might not believe it ... but SEX definately DOESN'T equal LOVE for me. Sex is just what it is, physical, passionate, best stress relief i've ever found!
The question of a relationship between us never came up again! Over the past 8 months we've become closer than ever. He is now most probably my best friend! We talk about everything and everyone. He is most likely the only person who is not affraid to argue with me (i've got a terrible temper!). We support eachother through work problems and aggrivations. In short, he is my sholder to cry on and i am his!
WE both did the online dating thing too! I know he had several dates, but nothing ever came of them. I on the other hand, met someone ... and am currently dating. When the new "man" in my life was introduced to the circle of friends MR. W was quite obviously not happy. He never actually said so much in so many words, but the fact that he took a pretty much immediate dislike to him (and this guy is very easy to like!) was obvious.
MR. W is normally very easy going and friendly to anyone he meets, he is open minded and obviously a great friend. I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me and will go out of his way to support and help me anyway he can. So his reaction to the new guy in my life was unexpected, given that there was no agreement between us beyond the occasional f888 buddy session! :)
Recently MR.W went through a personal development class ... apparently, this helped him recognise his hangups (hint ... the commitment thing!) A story from his past came out (he had not shared with me before!) which helped him release and realise the "problem" with commitment and general mistrust towards women.
Now i know men think we are untrustworthy and lying sacks of bones :evil: and as a woman i would readilly agree that SOME of us trully can be evil. I know i HAVE been on occassion in the past (but will maintain innocence as the bouts of evilness were well deserved! ;) ). However, i am also unbelievably loyal, honest and the best friend you've ever had and he has acknowledged this in the past. I can understand why he was so reluctant (i am sure there is a stronger word for running like your shorts are on fire from commitment!) .. and let me tell you this girl did a NUMBER on him that you wouldn't believe!!! So back to the class thing, we were sitting around talking about his experience and other things ... the question of weddings came up ... and he actually admited that he will infact one day marry (as taking the class had actually helped him let go of the commitment fear!)!
Since we've had this conversation ... i've seen him everynite ... at his suggestion. He IM's me in the mornings at work with "what r u doing later? why don't you come over, or i'll come by!" We talk, watch movies, hang out ... btw no hankie pankie ... make plans for the weekend! :mad: argh NOW WHAT!
Do i broach the "relationship" question again!?
Do i let things be the way they are!?
Quite frankly, i think ... we compliment eachother rather well ... values, thoughts, interests, future goals, family oriented, not to mention the physical part ... :D Meanwhile, i am still dating this other guy and MR.W is well aware of the fact, he would occasionally casually ask about when i last saw him and how was the date, etc. I try not to go into details, its obvious he is uncomfortable hearing about it. I would like to have him as a BF! I think it could be unbeliavable ... however i refuse to put myself out there again. I broached the subject first before ... i am affraid i'd look like a fool if i did it again. Like ... WHAT??! One NO was not good enough for you?? U know?! :P
Anyways, what you guys think? Is there such thing as a guy being attracted or 'inlove' with a good friend but unable to own up to it ... because of past precedent? Or am i just being fanciful and silly and not to mention pathetic for thinking, hoping that something might actually come out of this?!

20-07-06, 04:54 PM
Sounds to me like your friend misses his fvck buddy. He misses the convenience of it all. No strings, lots of sex, and a friend, without the commitment.

He may be jealous, but he had the chance and he blew it. You wanted one thing, he wanted another. You moved on and he needs to do the same.

Sure he had a change of heart on certain things, but that still brings YOU no guarantees. Also, do you really want to drop your current relationship for him? What if he doesn't want to be with you? Then what? You're back to square one.

Also, how do you feel about your current bf? Honestly it doesn't sound like the feelings are too strong otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about your friend. If this relationship with your new guy is going nowhere, then you need to get out of it and now, until you figure out what you really do want, Even if you can't have it with your friend.
Just keep in mind your current bf and his feelings as well in this. Why string him along when all you can think about is your friend/ex lover?

21-07-06, 12:06 AM
I agree with Ellyn - your friend is worried about losing his f*ck buddy. You guys may like each other, but my guess is that no normal guy is going to put up with a FWB hanging around, so your "friendship" days are limited.

FWBs are a bad idea. They never work out well.

22-07-06, 02:53 AM
Hey wow you are in a big problem here. The guy that is your friend is forsure

jealous cause u now have a bf. It seen like you dont care about your bf as much

as your friend. I could be wrong how long have u been with your bf do you

really see a future with him. As for your friend i guess see what happens

maybe he wont be so scared of a committed relationship in the future.