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Sooky
09-10-06, 05:26 PM
Ok so heres the situation,

My bf has a very close relationship with his ex gf and talks to her on the phone and online all the time (like every day). He tells me this openly so its not like hes keeping it secret. He says shes had a lot of problems and needs to talk to him as she doesnt really have any one else to turn to.

I feel bad that I'm consumed with feelings of jealousy, but I'm finding it hard to cope with this. I've talked to him about it and that helped a little but hes going 2 visit this ex soon as shes been in a bad way lately with emotional and health problems. Shes got no one else really so she needs his support. I'm just worried cus not long ago he told me she still had feelings for him and I'm worried if they see each other again the feelings between them will come back.

Just wondered if any of you guys could give me any help or advice to help me deal with my jealous feelings cus it seems to be taking over. I know its completely illogical but I cant help thinking/ worrying about it nearly all the time and its stopping me concentrate on other things.

I hate myself for feeling like this cus it seems so pointless and stupid. The whole thing is just messing with my head and really getting me down. I really dont want to sink into depression but I'm finding it hard to deal with this. So any help/ views would be appreciated.

Many thanks :)

vashti
09-10-06, 09:32 PM
Maybe you should go WITH him if he finds it necessary to go. If you show up with him, I am betting his ex will figure out someone else to turn to in the future.

Mathias
09-10-06, 11:14 PM
Maybe you should go WITH him if he finds it necessary to go.

Vashti, I like you...but DEAR GOD NO.

Seriously. If I were that guy, I'd be REALLY pissed that you had to come with me to make sure I was faithful (and it doesn't matter how you spun it, either).

If he's trustworthy, there's nothing wrong with him going.

vashti
09-10-06, 11:46 PM
Vashti, I like you...but DEAR GOD NO.

Seriously. If I were that guy, I'd be REALLY pissed that you had to come with me to make sure I was faithful (and it doesn't matter how you spun it, either).

If he's trustworthy, there's nothing wrong with him going.

My dear, I like you, too, but you obviously have no idea how conniving women are. The ex girlfriend is definitely angling herself, and this poor, unsuspecting guy is just a fly in her web.

Let's put it this way: how would you like your girlfriend running out to "help" her ex-boyfriend who still had feelings for her because he was having emotional problems?

Really, some of you guys have got to get over your desire to "rescue" needy women.

Rob26
10-10-06, 12:32 AM
Sooky, sorry but I think your fears are warranted.

Binxy
10-10-06, 01:33 AM
I would also be very concerned if I were you. This is the reason, speaking first hand, and yes, I'm going to be the villain here but I want you all to look at this from ALL angles, because a lot of times things aren't just black and white: My ex and I split up, he fell out of love with me. He wanted to continue to be friends, and I agreed, but I never could get over him (a whole other story in itself, it tore me apart). There was a time we almost met again "Just as friends" to do some things (nothing sexual, just siteseeing stuff). In my head, I thought if he were just to see me again that Maybe those feelings he had for me at one time would come back and that spark would be reignited. Thank goodness for both of us, he sensed the "danger' there before we actually met and decided it wasn't in the best interest for us to do that. I was hurt so bad, and cried a lot. There was just something about us being "only friends" that I couldn't shake, I just kept thinking he HAD to feel something for me or he wouldn't want to talk to me everyday. It didn't make sense to me how someone who Loved me so much could just want to be friends, and I couldn't seperate when he said he wasn't in love with me, but he still cared about me a lot. I wanted him back so bad I was pretty desperate. Haven't you all been in a relationship before and you just knew they had to still care for you the same as you care for them? Especially if you talked every single day. And wouldn't you all have done almost anything to make them realize you were meant to be together?

I don't blame you at ALL for being upset. He may be totally innocent in all of it, and really does just like her for a friend, but there is NO WAY I would let my bf see his ex like that if she still cared for him. And it's not just in the best interest of the two of you, on the other hand you have an ex gf who might be setting herself up for being hurt terribly.

That was hard to admit that to you all, but I'm sure there's many of you who can look at it from the ex gf side of things and then see how this could be a disaster waiting to happen. Men like to feel they can help others, women too, but sometimes all we're doing is walking into an emotional trap and we or "they" don't even realize it. I think your right to look at the big picture. I would have to believe your gut is right in this situation.

vashti
10-10-06, 01:50 AM
Nice post, binxy.

BFTrick
10-10-06, 04:05 AM
I have been in your BFs situation. And the feelings were re-kindled. So i would watch out. GL.

Gigabitch
10-10-06, 04:22 AM
He is no longer responsible for her feelings. That's what breaking up means.

rhaywood
11-10-06, 12:00 PM
He is no longer responsible for her feelings. That's what breaking up means.

..I totally agree. He shouldn't be visiting her and all. And he shouldn't be talking to her even if she has problems.

Sooky
11-10-06, 06:01 PM
Mmmm.... if I was getting over my concerns they're definately coming back again...

Unfortunately he's already been to see her, but I've managed to bury some of my feelings since then so I do feel a bit better about the whole thing. I think I was relying on him too much. Now I've realised that I dont really need him anyways, and even if he left me I'd still have a lot of positive things in my life. Also I think it was mainly low self esteem that was making me feel bad as I felt somehow inadequate. As if I alone wasnt a good enough friend for him as he relys so much on his ex gf (stupid I know). So I think I'm managing things a little better.

However, after what you've all said I will definately talk to him about it again. Hopefully I can get him to see that its in her best interests to give her some space.

vashti
11-10-06, 09:46 PM
Actually, it is in YOUR best interests, assuming he wants to be in a relationship with you.

Mathias
12-10-06, 12:49 AM
My dear, I like you, too, but you obviously have no idea how conniving women are. The ex girlfriend is definitely angling herself, and this poor, unsuspecting guy is just a fly in her web.

Let's put it this way: how would you like your girlfriend running out to "help" her ex-boyfriend who still had feelings for her because he was having emotional problems?

Really, some of you guys have got to get over your desire to "rescue" needy women.

Maybe this is why I *don't* have a girlfriend. ;)

Sooky
16-10-06, 11:58 PM
Ok so I saw my bf last week, but I didn't feel able to tell him about my concerns. I think I am just very cowardly when it comes to these situations and no matter how much I want to tell him how I feel about all this ex gf stuff, I keep holding back. I guess I must be worried of loosing him and this is mainly because of my own low self esteem and insecruities I know.

Just not sure what to do, thinking of getting some help as my jealousy is making me ill and is stopping me from concentrating on things. The other day I noticed my bf still carries a photo of his ex-gf around with him, but I decided it best not to mention it, as things were going so well between us. He says he loves me all the time when we're together and that he wants to be with me forever. But seeing that photo really hurt me. I feel so inadequate, like I'll never be the friend that he needs, not like his ex. Like I'll never be as good as his ex. I'm just really struggling to deal with them still being friends, but I know its very common these days. So how do other people cope with this situation? Is there a way to block out the jealousy? The only thing that seems to help is to keep reminding myself that I dont need him and that if he wants to get back with his ex than thats fine. But it doesnt feel fine.

Any ideas on what I should try? All suggestions/ advice are welcome,
Thanks guys, :)

Gigabitch
17-10-06, 12:03 AM
Sooky, I think that jealousy and insecurities can ruin a good relationship, but wake up, girl. You don't have a good relationship. Your bf is still involved with his ex. Very involved. Your feelings are in no way inappropriate to the situation. Has he got you convinced that you're the one with the problem? If so, he's a passive-aggressive asshole. What do you think?

vashti
17-10-06, 12:07 AM
If he really loves you, then YOUR feelings would be more important to him than hers.

I am not one of those women who think that people ought to throw away pictures of former lovers; they represent earlier chapters in a persons life. However, keeping a photo of her in his wallet is unusual, to say the least. I don't think most women would put up with that. Tell him to put them away in a photo album in the closet or something.

Also, I think you are misinformed about how common it is to be friends after being lovers. Yes, it does happen occassionally, but not usually, especially when one person still has feelings for the other.

You need to quit being such a coward, and tell him what is on your mind. You need to have some clear boundaries, or you will continue to be walked on. Being so passive is not going to keep him around if he is not interested in staying, and in the meantime, you are feeling like crap. He will have a hard time respecting you if you have a hard time respecting yourself.

Sooky
17-10-06, 04:59 AM
Sooky, I think that jealousy and insecurities can ruin a good relationship, but wake up, girl. You don't have a good relationship. Your bf is still involved with his ex. Very involved. Your feelings are in no way inappropriate to the situation. Has he got you convinced that you're the one with the problem? If so, he's a passive-aggressive asshole. What do you think?

I'm not going to lie to myself it does concern me that he still talks to his ex a lot, but I can't stop him really. At some point I will try my best to get him to see things the way I do but its hard as things are complicated. We do have a good relationship for the most part, but I've got very little relationship experience so its hard for me to judge what is acceptable and what I should be able to handle. To me it seems like my emotions are getting out of control and I'm obsessing about things more than I should. I just dont understand why he still wants to talk to her everyday. I just dont get it.

I dont want to give him up over this as other areas of the relationship are really good and we get on really well. Most of the time I hide my jealousy from him and try to pretend that everythings fine. Maybe thats not the best thing to do, but I admit I am a coward when it comes to discussing these things and I'm always inclined to shy away from it.

Sorry guys, maybe I'm a lost course on this one. It seems the best solutions are staring me in the face but I'm trying to avoid them.

Gigabitch
17-10-06, 09:02 AM
Sorry guys, maybe I'm a lost course on this one. It seems the best solutions are staring me in the face but I'm trying to avoid them.

That's why you keep logging on to LF, because you know we won't let you do that.

I suggest you look through some old threads- this isn't the first time this has come up. I don't remember anyone ever saying, "Never mind- false alarm, he's all mine and we're going to live happily ever after."

You may not believe in happily ever after, Sooky, but you at least ought to believe in something better than what you've got going on. IMO, becoming Spinster Cat Lady is preferable to that.