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06-02-07, 03:55 PM
This is me being honest and I apologize, it is a bit long winded. Whether it gets read or not, it is nice to get this off my chest

9 years ago, I was in a relationship with a girl that for these purposes we will call Elizabeth. I would describe our time together as being extremely intense on every possible level. It was exciting, loving, passionate, confusing, disruptive, violent, devastating. It was the most affective period of my life, perhaps, no definately, the only time I truly loved without question. I will save the details of the breakup, but it was one for the books.

Following the end of the relationship, I fell into a pretty bad case of depression, something that is very not of my nature to have done. But it happened and I have more or less come to terms with that.
I have had a number of relationships in the years that follow, and I have even told some of the women that I loved them. But it was a complete lie every time. In fact, I don't know if I have really felt anything of what I would classify as being real for any of them. In every instance, whether I admitted it at the time or not, I was in some way forcing my feelings for the other person, in an attempt to do away with residual feelings left over for Elizabeth. And as I was just sitting here watching an episode of Twin Peeks (a show that we were both huge fans of) I came to the realization that I have yet to fully get over her, and I sadly do not see the potential for my feelings to completely go away.

Now I know it is normal to keep feelings for old relationships, but this is seriously becoming problematic for me to move on. There is a good chance I have screwed up a number of really good relationships because I could not allow myself to have truly honest feelings. They were always just a cover up.
Recently, a girl that I had started seeing, pulled me to the side and said, "We need to talk, and you are going to hate me for what I have to say." She then proceeded to tell me how she really enjoyed being around me and she wishes that things with her and I would work, but she also said that she "saw no future in it" as she lacked the ability to have feelings for anybody due to a past relationship shaking her up too much. I didn't hate her for telling me this, I didn't take it personally. But it did make me feel very sorry for her, for lacking the ability to feel that way for antoher person.
Sadly, I think I have to face the fact that I am the same way. The only difference between her and I is that her breakup happened two years ago. Mine happened almost nine years back. In addition, for whatever reason, I view feeling for other people (outside of my immediate family) as a sign of weakness. More than likely this is a justification for me not being able to do so.

I have more or less accepted my ineptness at loving another person. Perhaps the right one just hasn't come along.
Burying yourself in your work also doesn't help which I am notorious for doing. On the plus side, i think that my trauma was what led me down the career path that I chose. Which I must say, I do really love what I do.

Love my work, can't love another person. Maybe it is for the best.

But I miss very much being in love.

Anybody else in a similar situation care to share their thoughts?