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Junket
17-09-07, 09:37 AM
Thank god.

I can't wait until I'm out of here. I can't stand his lecturing, and his claims he wouldn't be my "father" if he didn't lecture and patronize me all the time.

I'm 21.

I don't need him to tell me whether or not I should go to the dentist. I don't need him to tell me what kind of oil I should use in my car. I don't need him to tell me all the ways he fúcked up and how I shouldn't repeat them.

Funny he never lectured me on marrying some fat white bitch then walkin' out on his son at the age of 2.

I hope he regrets every moment he wasn't around.

Y'know, it'll be weight off my chest when both my mother and father go. As other relatives, their deaths will be little more than nuisances gone from my life. Yeah, they tried, they both "try", but they're both too stupid and stubborn to listen to anything I've ever had to say, no matter what my age.

I guess that's the nature of parents.

They really do believe they know everything.

Why is it so many parents think they have nothing to learn from their children and everything to teach them?

This is the mistake they've made that they'll never know to regret.

squirrley
17-09-07, 09:44 AM
Hats off to you Frasbee! Congrats and yea to freedom!

Sounds as though there were or are difficulties with your parents. im one, a young one, and a single one too. Its not easy being a parent. I wont defend your parents because I dont know them. but from a parents side view, at least mine, i do everything i can to raise my son to be self sufficient when hes on his own(starting today hes kinda on his own). Parents I dont think they see or think they know everything, its just past experiences tell them so. some of us have said no way will I be like my parents...and some of us turn out that way and others will follow in their footsteps.

Frasbee, you make your own life, your own decisions. Parents are there to guide and protect and be a pain in your ass.

i wish you the best on your new found venture!

Goodluck!!!:D

vashti
17-09-07, 09:48 AM
Meh, parents learn a LOT from their kids. We just don't always take the time to notice how much WE have grown over the years because we are too busy watching YOU grow..

I think you are just going through the normal growing process. Adult children from the age of about 18-25-ish often hate their parents. It prepares them for separation. They are probably equally frustrated with you. All this friction keeps young people motivated to strike out on their own, and prepares parents so their hearts aren't broken when the kids move out.

Anyway, when are you moving, and where? You aren't off to Oklahoma yet, are you?

Junket
17-09-07, 09:59 AM
All this friction keeps young people motivated to strike out on their own, and prepares parents so their hearts aren't broken when the kids move out.

Anyway, when are you moving, and where? You aren't off to Oklahoma yet, are you?

I'm leaving the October 13th.

Unfortunately my dad decided he's going to come, I guess to "see me off". I really didn't want him to come. He tried buying me a GPS in case I got lost, then lectured me on how he got lost going the wrong direction for 2 hours.

All I did in AmeriCorps was drive across states using nothing but maps and road signs. But he doesn't seems to acknowledge this. Same deal when that tree got struck down by lightning in my yard, he tried to tell me how to use a chainsaw, even though I was the one who was trained to use a chainsaw and had experience felling trees.

I've not developed closeness with most members of my family. And after watching several grandparents go, even the ones I was closer to, I began to realize that it was always more a relief for me than anything else.

Maybe my biggest mistake will be that I never cared to get close to most of them. Maybe I'll regret it.

Then again, maybe I won't.

My family has been the epitome of dysfunction, far beyond what I've described here. I'm prepared to get as far away from them as possible and cut contact.

vashti
17-09-07, 10:02 AM
Aww, Fras... This is your dad attempting to reach out to you. Men are frequently incompetent at interpersonal communications. Try to soften your heart. Even if he hasn't been the epitome of great fathering, he must care about you. Otherwise, he wouldn't bother.

Junket
17-09-07, 11:06 AM
Aww, Fras... This is your dad attempting to reach out to you. Men are frequently incompetent at interpersonal communications. Try to soften your heart. Even if he hasn't been the epitome of great fathering, he must care about you. Otherwise, he wouldn't bother.

'Course he cares.

But he doesn't care enough to listen.

In any case, he has his step daughter to take care of.

3 times a charm right?

He doesn't even know where his first daughter went off to.

In any case, trying to reach out to me as I'm leaving isn't the most ideal time to do so. I'd rather regret it later, because any "softening" will be painfully forced.

DoesntMatter
17-09-07, 12:21 PM
That's really too bad that you don't get along better with your family. There's a lot of sacrifice involved, and being lectured to, and stuff like that, but it's just something that happens. My family is the only thing I actually love, so it's pretty hard for me to imagine viewing their deaths as nuisances.

You should really try to reconcile with them. I say this very seriously. Even though I don't know what they are like, and know that it is not possible with *certain* people, I think it's worthy of a LOT of effort.

Learn to appreciate your parents advice. They have a lot that they can teach you. My parents used to lecture me a lot, and still do. Such as that I shouldn't get drunk or do drugs, etc. I told them straight up I've been drunk many times and done drugs, but they recognized that as my deicision. That's where THEY need to reconcile, and they do. They didn't spend time harping on it

But then there are places where YOU need to accomodate them. I live in my parents house, and follow their rules while I live there. I never swear, my mom doesn't like it. I don't talk about anything (illegal) drug related or anything pertaining to my own degeneracy. Help out around the house. When my parents lecture me about the dangers of driving in the snow for about the 20th time in a week, I don't argue or get mad. I just stand there and listen for a minute and nod my head.

You should be glad your dad is helping you out with things even as small as changing the oil or going to the dentist. Stuff like that used to bother me, but I realized my dads just helping out. I thought I would have to be a major asshole to get mad at him for that.

What will I be able to do in a house of my own that I can't do in my parents house? Swearing, blasting music, ****ing (not even a problem right now unfortunately)?? I am not excited or sad about moving into my own house someday. Moving into college was nothing, people make it out like a big deal. Still breathing eating and shitting. And raped by the institution.

By the way you are describing it though Fras, I think your dad is doing his part. You need to do yours. Face it, your dad will lecture you and patronize you, you're still his son as old as you get. When my dad visits his dad (almost 90), my nonno still calls the shots on what to do with the rental properties and stuff. My nonna tells my dad stuff he knows, like wear a coat when it's cold outside, make sure this or that is taken care of, etc. That's how it is!

My sister is right now having trouble getting along with my parents, and she's 21, same age as you! But it's over the fact that she's (still) dating the 39 year old George Clooney clone. I've had to do a lot to keep the peace between them and get them to see it from the other's point of view. It's been ****ing tough.

So in short: Just put up with the lecturing and the patronizing. It's more than worth it

Junket
17-09-07, 01:06 PM
Just put up with the lecturing and the patronizing. It's more than worth it

No.

I can confidently say, it's not.

I don't hate my father, like I hate my mother.

I'm glad you're taking your advice, but it's not applicable to my family(s).

And for the record, my dad hasn't "helped" me with getting my oil changed or going to the dentist. Simply telling me I'm not supposed to wait a year for an oil change (no duh), or telling me to pay out of pocket for a cleaning is by no means "helping" me do shit.

He just feels guilty because he's provided me with little more than financial assistance. Maybe that's not so bad if you live with your biological mother who can make up for it with affection. But when your mom is f˙cked up, your sisters are f˙cked up, your step father is f˙cked up, and you don't give a shit about your late step mother. Family soon becomes more people you gotta put up with until they, or you die.

vashti
17-09-07, 02:00 PM
Fras, I don't know how old your dad is, but it wasn't all that long ago that financial support was all that was *expected* from a father. And isn't your dad the Asian half of the family? Aren't they even more traditional about gender roles?

Listen, I'm not saying you don't have a legitimate complaint. You probably do, but your dad may not be *capable* of giving you what you really want. Should one hate a deaf mute because he can't communicate well?

If I ask for an entire chocolate cake, and instead am given a cupcake, I would take it. I would rather have a *little* of something I want than none of it at all.

And I do think you want something deep down. If you genuinely didn't want/need something from him, I doubt you'd be so angry.

Junket
17-09-07, 08:51 PM
I ended up venting about this to my girlfriend last night.

I'll probably just abandon everybody indefinitely like I have before.

I don't usually burn my bridges, I just let them rot.


And isn't your dad the Asian half of the family? Aren't they even more traditional about gender roles?

I don't think I really go into it in detail here, but I've never been a big fan of the asian side of my family. The culture there sucks.
http://www.loveforum.net/off-topic-discussion/5788-they-should-all-go-hell.html

On the note of bringing up old threads, here's one I found when my grandmother died. I could have taken leave from AmeriCorps to go to the funeral, I just didn't care enough to.
http://www.loveforum.net/off-topic-discussion/10584-my-grandmother-her-way-out.html

Gigabitch
18-09-07, 12:38 AM
You don't owe them anything, Fras.

You know I'm with you on that one. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you are obliged forever to endure their ****ed-up bullshit.

Don't even look back.

Junket
18-09-07, 01:31 AM
Alright, I slept on it. I'm turning this little squabble with my dad as ammo to help slingshot me out of here. I've always known he's never been good at expressing himself, and I know he means well. But this is one of those things that's gonna help keep me from coming back.

All-in-all, he's done good for me, I just haven't had anything to balance out his parenting style.

Just time for me to go---

anachronistic
18-09-07, 01:57 AM
I am proud of you for making such a bold decision.

...haha, wish i could take some time off college and help you move in...

squirrley
18-09-07, 04:46 AM
Fras, Im sorry youre going through such bs. I KNOW its not easy dealing with family let alone one which is dysfunctional. I wish I had words of wisdom in what to do with dad, my dad is pissed as hell at me and I dont know how to repair it.

I guess the one thing I would encourage is not leaving on a sour note. I know you said you didnt care anymore, but you'd want to have the satisfaction in your heart you did what you could. Life is too short to hang onto to bad things. This move will do you good and youre going to be in a position to make the life you want for yourself.

I wish you the best!

DoesntMatter
18-09-07, 06:24 AM
If you are going to move out and cut off contact with them for a while, just don't leave on a bad note. You have nothing to gain by leaving that way. At a minimum, leave how you would if you were going grocery shopping (in other words, a neutral departure). This way, you can come back whenever you like (2 months, 2 years, whatever) and stop by without having to try to ammend anything. You know, leave open the possibility to come back to them for whatever unforeseeable reason on good terms

boobaa
22-09-07, 12:41 AM
You are whining about that?
Difficulties with parents?
What?

But congrats on moving out! You fully independent now?