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View Full Version : what should you do about abusive parents?



theclapper
30-01-08, 10:40 AM
you're around 16 years old, your parents have emotionally(somewhat physicly) abused you your hole life. they yell at you over really stupid things and make everything seem like your fault even though it really has nothing to do with you, considering your parents see you as a mistake and regret giving birth to you at such a young age(about 18) and do nothing but treat you like garbage and make you feel like you're at fault for everything bad that happens(since they yell at you over every stupid thing which sometimes literally has nothing to do with you). Also they treat you like a 8 year old giving you the privileges of an 8 year old. Also these people(the parents) are extreamly nice to anyone else or if anyone else is around.

I'm not in this situation myself but i was wondering if there is anything you could/would suggest to people in this situation(someone i know) because i don't know what to do as a friend. Is it best to just continue to take their bullshit? or is there something you/or them could do?

thanks

Only-virgins
30-01-08, 10:43 AM
Direct confrontation from the child to the parents seems futile in this situation. If it is really bad than I suggest they talk to someone else they trust who is an adult...if there is physical contact than I recommend some serious intervention. This is a serious matter and can effect a person's life forever.

vashti
30-01-08, 11:09 AM
Living a better life than your parents did is the best revenge.

Only-virgins
30-01-08, 11:11 AM
Living a better life than your parents did is the best revenge.

Hahahaha. True.

IndiReloaded
30-01-08, 11:23 AM
I think a trusted outsider should be consulted. Either a trusted family member, or a teacher, counsellor, doctor. Get their opinion.

Teenagers often feel unfairly repressed by their parents. It seems a natural part of the growing up/away/leaving the nest phase. So its important to establish whether this is merely teenage angst or there is some real abuse going on.

Vash would have more to say about raising teenagers, than I. Not quite there yet myself.

vashti
30-01-08, 11:28 AM
Teenagers often feel unfairly repressed by their parents. .

Yes, this is true. In fact, I have seen that the kids who NEVER complain about their parents often have the worst ones. I am not so quick to get with the "abuse" line of thinking. Kids who are genuinely abused usually keep it to themselves, and even if they didn't, they would never call it "somewhat abused".

Gigabitch
31-01-08, 09:09 PM
You suck it up and deal with it until you can get out. 16 is too young to get out; you just become fodder for the hungry world.

I know it's hard to see clearly when you're so young and when you haven't been taught how do deal with the future by your lame-assed parents, but try to get some kind of plan in place. Yes, they suck and you have no privileges, but you do have a place to sleep, and believe me, that's worth a lot.

Get a job (if they'll let you) and try to spend as much time as possible away from them. Also, be really picky about your friends. Acknowledge the fact that your parents failed miserably at providing you with an example of how to be and try to make up for it by not hanging out with a bunch of losers.

Tedel
01-02-08, 01:28 AM
As a teacher, I saw that before. One of the hardest things about emotional abuse is the fact that disgracefully few people know it exists.

What your friend should do is to defend himself/herself... smartly. Be careful with that because we tend to be way too passionate when we are teens. Don't let her exaggerate with her reaction.

Next thing to do is to look for support (I didn't say advise: I said support). A teacher should be OK. Have this teacher read about emotional abuse and then tell him/her what are you suffering from. If you change the order, he/she won't understand you and just deem the case as a teenage crisis.

After the emotional aggression is controlled (parents don't know they're being emotionally abusive with a child and, therefore, they are less guilty than what they seem), you should have your friend look for psychological help.

The main effect of emotional abuse is this: Your friend may believe that the normal expressions of love are aggressive, not tender or affectionate; he/she may also find tender or affectionate expressions of love foolish or false.

Just hope he/she's not up to that degree yet.

A link:

http://www.heptagrama.com/en/i_vos_per_0004.htm

theclapper
01-02-08, 07:55 AM
You suck it up and deal with it until you can get out. 16 is too young to get out; you just become fodder for the hungry world.

I know it's hard to see clearly when you're so young and when you haven't been taught how do deal with the future by your lame-assed parents, but try to get some kind of plan in place. Yes, they suck and you have no privileges, but you do have a place to sleep, and believe me, that's worth a lot.

Get a job (if they'll let you) and try to spend as much time as possible away from them. Also, be really picky about your friends. Acknowledge the fact that your parents failed miserably at providing you with an example of how to be and try to make up for it by not hanging out with a bunch of losers.

Thanks i know that moving out would most likely be a bad idea...but I really think something should be done about it, there's really no excuse for it. And i think if anything it's atleast important for your parents to know what their doing since most of the time they don't.

I think i'm more with tadel on this though, and thanks for the link i read the hole thing and i have another question. What do you think would be the best way(what exactly they need to be told maybe) to make someone who is being abusive realise exactly what their doing and what their causing the victim to go through and how it could affect their lives etc...?

Gigabitch
01-02-08, 08:02 AM
That might be like expecting a dog to get up in the morning and make you coffee.

I don't know- I gave up on both of my parents a long time ago. The key to mutual survival with them was lowered expectations.

Junket
01-02-08, 08:07 AM
What do you think would be the best way(what exactly they need to be told maybe) to make someone who is being abusive realise exactly what their doing and what their causing the victim to go through and how it could affect their lives etc...?

You kidding?

You know why abusive parents are abusive?

Because they find justification with their actions (or inaction) in the first place.

vashti
01-02-08, 08:13 AM
Is this really about YOU?

theclapper
01-02-08, 08:33 AM
well you guys are probably right i'm sorry for thinking their was hope in changing the way someone treats someone. i'm not an ignorant person myself and i'm always careful about the way i treat people and if someone has a problem with it i'm ussually open to try and fix it.

But I'm thinking i should probably just give up and let the abusers keep abusing, since i guess there's nothing anyone can do about them.

vashti
01-02-08, 08:42 AM
Can you give us specifics about what you are calling abuse? Depending on what's going on, there are interventions.

theclapper
01-02-08, 09:18 AM
Well let's see...her step dad treats her like garbage, yelling at over stupid things that are really nothing, basicly just takes all of his anger out on her, he keeps his eye on her and makes sure she doesn't leave the house(she's restricted from leaving the end of her driveway unless given permission) she's barely ever allowed to leave, and if she ever talks back(even if he(sometimes she) was being a complete asshole) she gets in huge trouble and isn't allowed to leave the house for another week(even though she's barely allowed anyway) her mom is pretty much the same way except maybe not as bad, she will flip out over absolutely nothing and throw/brake things in front of her. Btw her mother has told her before that she was a mistake. And they used to beat her until someone threatened to call the cops if they kept doing it. There's are some things that happened i could go on and on

Tiay
01-02-08, 10:55 AM
oh my god. that kind of trauma.. it changes you for the rest of your life, especially that young. I don't know what can or should be done about the situation.. but I will say that an invaluable thing you can do for your friend is listen and talk about what's going on. You don't have to solve all the problems or tell her what to do, just show sympathy and understanding. People need a sense of being listened to. I've always found that if I keep stuff just in my head without telling anyone, it takes on a sort of surreal, un-real quality, like i'm not sure if it really happened.
And your friend obviously isn't getting much listening-to or understanding at home.

Gigabitch
02-02-08, 01:20 AM
Unless she has a place to go, I'd like to mention the sad fact that what she could look forward to in foster care would very likely be worse.

Disgusting, yes, but true.

I would imagine if she had any family that gave a damn, they would have done something long ago. I hope she can just understand that where you come from doesn't necessarily dictate where you end up and try to do anything she can to get herself headed in the right direction.

The day she turns 18, she needs to get the **** out of there.

vashti
02-02-08, 09:48 AM
I think any sort of confrontation you make on her behalf will only make things worse for her at home. I suggest you be a source of support for her, and suggest that if things are too bad, she can talk to a counselor at school or ask a relative to let her move in with them.

Giga's right, BTW. The things you mentioned, while certainly unpleasant, are minor compared to what she might experience in a foster home. Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Gigabitch
02-02-08, 06:05 PM
Really, take it from me. I did a stint living in my car when I was 16. Believe me, the sympathy didn't go nearly as far as the disenfranchisement and the general disgust. Nobody should aim for that.