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jinx343
12-06-08, 02:36 AM
i am sitting on my bed crying coz i feel awful right now. i never realized how much i have changed... until tonight. i thought i was very much ok. maybe i was ok in some areas of my life.. but i hate how i am not the fun person i used to be... i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again. i have become blunt and dont know who to trust anymore...i guess had been like this for the past weeks until this night when i had been bluntly honest with someone who was just trying to make fun and make me laugh. i didnt feel bad until he told me that somehow i should learn how to trust guys again coz not all people are like the person who gave me the reason not to trust guys anymore.

please help.. some encouraging words and honest advices would be a very big help. this site has helped me much through the rough patch i had been.. i know it will continue to help me in more ways... thanks in advance guys.

DoesntMatter
12-06-08, 04:10 AM
It sounds like you're going through some changes. Transitions can be pretty tough, I'm sure in a while you'll be feeling good again

Illusional
12-06-08, 09:54 AM
wow you let one guy give you a run around and now all guys are bad... you probably don't think this way, however, this is how you are coming off to other people. now doesn't it sound a little absurd??

raverboy

anachronistic
12-06-08, 10:34 AM
I think you take things too personal. Your soul is too young and not strong enough. You should recognize that he needs to earn your trust, as does anyone else.

Some people build up insecurities, but insecurities are only misconceptions. You just need to sit down and think. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, maybe you just need to accept who you are, and say that's enough.

Tone
12-06-08, 12:17 PM
Cheer up.

Life is a series of challenges and a constant test of character.

Nothing worth having comes easy. ( ;) )

misombra
12-06-08, 12:26 PM
you'll develop some confidence and you'll believe more in what you say.

this happens when you get a little older. anything you say or do is subject to critique and being twisted around and not everybody is going to like it. that's why it's better to say what you mean.

i've lost friends in the process of being as honest and blunt as i am now. but i know that my true friends are the ones who can take it and appreciate it, even if they don't like what i have to say.

Mish
12-06-08, 01:04 PM
but i hate how i am not the fun person i used to be... i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again.

You know I've noticed lately. When we don't want to be decieved or hurt any more and put up imaginary shields is when we end up getting hurt the most. Defense attracts the hurting. Because it makes our vulnerabilities transparent to others. It screams out "Here, see how weak I am, please don't hurt me".

Resilience on the other hand challenges hurt. It invites hurt only to a test of strength and naturally hurt which is attracted to weakness is repulsed. Rise up without fear, go out looking for challenges from which you can learn, take responsibility for all of your actions even if they contributed to failures and most likely this instead of being defensive will make sure you are not decieved or hurt again.

jinx343
12-06-08, 01:29 PM
hey guys, i appreciate everything you said and thank you..

DM: yeah i think so too.. just hope i will get through this soon enough with no major damage

ILLUSIONAL: unfortunately it did happen.. but i basically dont think all guys are alike. just that i can't help but think hard and let my guards up every time somebody flirts with me.. makes me think what their motives could be. ever since, i really have issues on deception that's why it's really hard for me right now.

LILWING: i guess it will take some time again for me to trust somebody. but i know i should learn how to trust again.. one way or another.

TONE: yeah you're right.."Nothing worth having comes easy". i will always keep that in mind.

MISOMBRA: i guess im still in the process of adjusting to the new me.. but i honestly didnt want to hurt anyone else's feelings. i just want to be honest with everybody. i don't want to miss and lose those people who could be true and sincere with me so i guess i have to tone it down. but as you said, i could only prove who those real people are if they will still have me no matter what i have said...

MISHANYA: you summed it all up for me very well.. and i agree this defense i have put on is hurting me more than helping me else i wouldnt have felt this way. you've just enlightened me.

damn.. experience really IS a hard teacher. it gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. :(

tooxshort
12-06-08, 01:36 PM
Hey, you realize what's wrong and now you leave the door open to improve the quality of your situation ...

You'll pull through ... a month or so doesn't make anyone 100% ... but the more time that goes by, the more realization occurs ...

Keep ya head up ... day by day ...

jinx343
12-06-08, 01:44 PM
thanks tooxshort..with time i know i will.. the realization just came last night and i think i have to act on it.

yes.. 1 month is not enough time obviously.and i guess all of you will still be hearing from me about those "realizations" some time soon. hope i will still have you all to beat the crap out of me. lol. :)

you guys are a very big help. wish i could hug y'all. :(

1averagejoe
12-06-08, 02:18 PM
Time...you need time. I remember feeling like this not that long ago. I actually made a thread about it as well. Whenever you feel down or bad about something, you just need to keep telling yourself that it will get better. And it will, I promise! Your confidence in yourself is something that you need to focus on now. I've found that confidence and happiness go hand in hand. If you're confident in yourself, you'll be happy with yourself. Get involved in some activities, set a goal, accomplish it, and be proud of yourself. Even something small, it all adds up. For me personally, I've never been so confident and shy-less (is that a word?) in my life. I've always been so scared to open up and talk to people. But after breaking up with my ex I slowly brought myself to learn to be more confident in myself, and I've found that I'm just happier because of it.

The trust issues is something you'll need to learn to control. As hard as it is, force yourself to do what you know is right. Even if you have trouble trusting someone, just go through with it. Continue to do this, it will get easier, and eventually you will learn to trust again. Just remember there are good people out there, like your friend said "not all people are like the person who gave you the reason not to trust guys anymore."

There are quite a few of us out there that really do want to care for you.

jinx343
12-06-08, 03:18 PM
thanks again 1averagejoe. i'm sure someday after all of these.. i will look back and see the purpose of all the things that have happened and would be forever grateful for all your sound advices.

every time i meet someone here who tells me he has been through what i have been through, it's more than enough to make me feel better knowing it's not i alone who experienced it. and what's more, you successfully surpassed it.. it makes me see the bright side of life and makes me feel strong to face everything that has come and would still come my way.

i need people like you from time to time... and im very happy i am part of this site.

yes, i've noticed i have become more confident and even love myself more now. just the trust issue i need to work on. it's the part i really find hard to face.. but i will. i promise myself that. there's no point asking for all your opinions and advices if i won't listen to them.

yes, there are quite a"few" guys like you out there.. which makes it even harder. lol :) but hopefully i will meet even just one of you......

Mish
12-06-08, 03:19 PM
damn.. experience really IS a hard teacher. it gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. :(

And for a good reason too. Would you really be able to appreciate or even understand the lesson any other way? It's hard to know until you live through it.

jinx343
12-06-08, 03:21 PM
yes mish.. i agree. so i guess we all have no choice other than to enjoy the long and bumpy ride....

Mish
12-06-08, 03:32 PM
I think it gets less bumpy the more lessons we learn and the better we get at handling them. Future is mostly patterns that repeat.

jinx343
12-06-08, 03:40 PM
sure do hope the bump heals fast :)

but for sure, i dont want to go through the same "pattern" in the future... scary... i mean.. shitty :D

GrkScorp
12-06-08, 04:48 PM
i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again.

i didnt feel bad until he told me that somehow i should learn how to trust guys again coz not all people are like the person who gave me the reason not to trust guys anymore.

please help.. some encouraging words and honest advices would be a very big help.

Well.., you know me.., i'm not one for encouraging words.., I feel that that's pretty much the same as lying to people.., like throwing a person in a cage.., and telling them that you believe they can totally take on the army of cute fuzzy tigers.., you have faith in them and know they can do it!

So instead.., some honest advice..

To quote the following from AskMen.com (Dec. 2006; "Broken Hearts"):

"A woman could also be hesitant to give her heart away if it has recently been broken. Maybe her last boyfriend didn't treat her properly or cheated on her. This case is tough because such a woman is in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again. Only one helluva great guy will be able to snap her out of it. In fact, this woman will only get into a new relationship if she feels that the guy in question is trustworthy and not out to hurt her, and it may be a while until she realizes that the guy who hurt her was one of a few men and not one of the many. News flash guys, because chances are that most women have been hurt by some guy at some point in their life, most women believe men are genuinely bad people with ill-intentions until proven otherwise. Because they believe this, it may be a "long" time until they finally accept the truth about men. She can be blowing great guy after great guy out of her life, and there are some ways to make sure that she doesn't close you off out of fear of being hurt.

The problem is that if you try to project such a persona in a forced manner, if you try and be open and honest about the person you are, she'll think of you as a phony who's trying too hard, and your efforts will backfire. She will think you're lying to her just to manipulate her or because of some other ill-intention she believes all men have. If you're sure that you really want to deal with this, you may want to encourage her to talk about her past with you, assuming that she even wants to. I'm afraid that, in this case, it's entirely up to her to decide when and with whom she will feel comfortable starting a new relationship with. What's important to remember, is that it's not your fault. If there is anyone here to blame for her trust issues, it's the guy, not her."

Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_fear_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

jinx343
12-06-08, 05:40 PM
"A woman could also be hesitant to give her heart away if it has recently been broken. Maybe her last boyfriend didn't treat her properly or cheated on her. This case is tough because such a woman is in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again. Only one helluva great guy will be able to snap her out of it. In fact, this woman will only get into a new relationship if she feels that the guy in question is trustworthy and not out to hurt her, and it may be a while until she realizes that the guy who hurt her was one of a few men and not one of the many. News flash guys, because chances are that most women have been hurt by some guy at some point in their life, most women believe men are genuinely bad people with ill-intentions until proven otherwise. Because they believe this, it may be a "long" time until they finally accept the truth about men. She can be blowing great guy after great guy out of her life, and there are some ways to make sure that she doesn't close you off out of fear of being hurt.

The problem is that if you try to project such a persona in a forced manner, if you try and be open and honest about the person you are, she'll think of you as a phony who's trying too hard, and your efforts will backfire. She will think you're lying to her just to manipulate her or because of some other ill-intention she believes all men have. If you're sure that you really want to deal with this, you may want to encourage her to talk about her past with you, assuming that she even wants to. I'm afraid that, in this case, it's entirely up to her to decide when and with whom she will feel comfortable starting a new relationship with. What's important to remember, is that it's not your fault. If there is anyone here to blame for her trust issues, it's the guy, not her."

Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_fear_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

Grkscorp... I've been waiting for your post.. thank you you didnt disappoint me. ;)

i have been lied and cheated on... the worst thing that i didnt want to happen to me, been avoiding for so long and bam! experienced it firsthand. life has played a joke on me. so yes, i am in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again

what i highlighted in your post i quoted is exactly my case. i'm so confused as to who is being himself or just pretending to be somebody i want them to be.. so yeah it will take me a long while to get over this trust issue... though i believe i will get over this...i just need time, time, time.... for everything.

im still at work but i will take time to read that link you gave later.. some more of your thoughts would be great for me.

jinx343
12-06-08, 05:52 PM
MISH!! forgive me... :(

Mish
12-06-08, 06:07 PM
Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_fear_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

Thanks Scorp. I found some useful advice following that link. I want to bring attention to this first paragraph:

Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself in your relationship. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.

I know it can be extremely difficult to overcome the fear of revealing what you really think, believe and feel, because these are very sensitive subjects. What I think believe and feel changes and there are different states at different points in time. It's so very easy to miscommunicate and clash on these topics. It's very easy to do a lot of damage to the relationship when that happens. So how does one go about revealing these in a "safe" yet open manner? How does one handle potentially very harmful differences in potentially many numbers? (keeping in mind number of known differences will increase the more openness there is). I think are very interesting questions.

Mish
12-06-08, 06:13 PM
MISH!! forgive me... :(

It's all good

*hugs*

misombra
12-06-08, 09:42 PM
i am sitting on my bed crying coz i feel awful right now. i never realized how much i have changed... until tonight. i thought i was very much ok. maybe i was ok in some areas of my life.. but i hate how i am not the fun person i used to be... i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again. i have become blunt and dont know who to trust anymore...i guess had been like this for the past weeks until this night when i had been bluntly honest with someone who was just trying to make fun and make me laugh. i didnt feel bad until he told me that somehow i should learn how to trust guys again coz not all people are like the person who gave me the reason not to trust guys anymore.

please help.. some encouraging words and honest advices would be a very big help. this site has helped me much through the rough patch i had been.. i know it will continue to help me in more ways... thanks in advance guys.

you can't trust everybody. in fact there are very few people that one person can trust in life.

i read a quote somewhere that it's harder to find somebody to trust than it is to find somebody to love. it's so true.

people can be very unkind. they will lie, keep secrets, cheat, and neglect. that's something you can definitely trust.

but as long as you're aware of this you're okay i think. it's best to be careful where you put your trust.

jinx343
12-06-08, 10:17 PM
.....it's harder to find somebody to trust than it is to find somebody to love. it's so true.

people can be very unkind. they will lie, keep secrets, cheat, and neglect. that's something you can definitely trust.

but as long as you're aware of this you're okay i think. it's best to be careful where you put your trust.

so so sooooo true mis... yes i am trying to be careful which why i started this thread in the first place coz i feel like i did it way too much.

Illusional
12-06-08, 11:17 PM
jinx, did you thank everyone in this thread?? damn...

raverboy

jinx343
12-06-08, 11:26 PM
of course...i am thankful.. why?

Gigabitch
13-06-08, 05:25 AM
Cut yourself some slack- you're still processing the breakup. You'll be fine. You're fun, jinx!

jinx343
13-06-08, 09:28 AM
i will and yes i will be.. thanks giga!

*hugs*

Illusional
13-06-08, 09:42 AM
of course...i am thankful.. why?

thankful?? then we are you so stubborn when it comes to meeting new people?? shouldn't you just remain thankful that someone else has walked into your life?

raverboy

jinx343
13-06-08, 10:13 AM
thankful?? then we are you so stubborn when it comes to meeting new people?? shouldn't you just remain thankful that someone else has walked into your life?

raverboy

raver u were asking about the posters and i meant i am thankful for all your posts. i might be stubborn but i am also thankful in meeting new people. meeting new people is not a problem with me. my problem is how to bring back the trust i used to give out easily before with no questions asked and stop myself from being defensive around them.

Illusional
14-06-08, 11:10 AM
shit you didn't thank my last post.. that's the last of the advice that you'll ever get from me.

raverboy

GrkScorp
14-06-08, 08:19 PM
i might be stubborn but i am also thankful in meeting new people. meeting new people is not a problem with me. my problem is how to bring back the trust i used to give out easily before with no questions asked and stop myself from being defensive around them.

http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn250/SummaFelix/enc_35.jpg

I've been reading a couple of scripts lately.., from couple's therapy sessions.., I would post up the links.., but you have to be a registered member of the site to view the articles.., (and registration isn't free).., so i'll just sum them up..

The first one is about semen being amazing for a woman's skin.., if you've ever wondered why some guys have such soft hands.., then wonder no more!

http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn250/SummaFelix/con_86.jpg

Ok.., that wasn't really an article.. :P

Both articles are about men.., it doesn't mean that it's any different for women.., just that the person with trust issues here are men.., but it can work the same way.., and you'll see exactly how as you read on..

Article I:

Diagnosis: Man who has psychogenic erectile dysfunction caused by his belief that women in general consider "sex" to be a weapon they use on or against men.., either to get things.., or for control or power.., as a result.., he was unable to desire sex.., enjoy sex.., or maintain an erection during sex.., this was his mind's defensive reaction to a generalized belief he held true for all women

Facts: His previous relationships ended when his partners withheld sex or denied him because they.., felt angry at him.., felt upset.., wanted something from him.., tried to force him to marry them.., but his current girlfriend was actually interested in his sexual enjoyment.., and she was the one who insisted that he go see a therapist to improve his sexual desire and ability to enjoy sex..

In the early sessions.., the guy discovered the issue.., and admitted to himself that this was in fact what was holding him back.., yet he still didn't trust his current girlfriend.., so much so.., that he genuinely believed that she only brought him to these sessions so that he could start enjoying sex and that so then she could use it against him.., weeks later.., he started to realize what a horrible mistake he was making to think of his girlfriend that way.., during his next session.., he admitted that his girlfriend was a wonderful person.., that he felt horrible to even think of her as being someone selfish or manipulative.., that she was caring.., sensitive.., honest.., moral.., and more importantly.., he could trust her.., enough.., to open up.., and do what he felt and considered.., "being vulnerable" in front of her.., in the last session.., him and his girlfriend both came inside to thank the therapist and express how happy they both were.., they were now enjoying their sex life..

Article II:

Diagnosis: Man who is emotionally abusive towards his wife out of fear of her spending habits and financial behavior..

Facts: His mother was in massive credit card debt several times.., claiming it was depression.., his father had to satisfy over $18,000 of debt more than 3 times during their marriage before he made the difficult choice of getting divorced.., his wife was earning $40,000 a year.., he was earning $130,000 a year and paying for all household expenses.., she had been in similar financial trouble and he had to help settle her credit card debt twice.., when she wanted to start a family.., he refused.., worried that he would want a divorce.., (and may I add.., instead of getting pregnant).., she suggested therapy..

During therapy.., the guy admitted that he didn't trust her.., that she had no idea how to manage money.., that "other women raise entire families on her salary.., and she can't even survive on her own without his help".., she admitted that she also had a spending problem that she had to work on.., but that she was willing to work on it.., after some more sessions.., his wife was taking classes in personal finance and seeing a separate therapist for impulsive shopping.., after his wife had made considerable progress.., he was still not willing to trust her with money despite seeing her clear up her credit card debt on her own and have a zero balance.., and despite seeing her open up and maintain a savings account of her own (something she had never even had before).., his therapist ordered him to give her $500 each month and see what she does with it.., she spent $300 for things for the house.., $100 for things on him.., and saved the remainder.., by the last sessions.., she was pregnant.., they had made the choice to start a family together.., and he had let her know.., that if she wanted to stop working.., she could.., and that he was more than happy to take care of everything and give her as much as she wanted each month.., yet she chose to keep working after the baby..

Now.., believe me.., I did my best to summarize pages upon pages of content.., but I think all the important information is there..

Both of those cases have three things in common:

- Historical pattern that is held firmly in place to represent the truth about the present or future
- Lack of opening up and exposing one's self to see that it's safe to trust
- After opening up and realizing that it's safe to trust the other person.., seeing the outcome they wanted to enjoy all along..

Both men waited.., and waited.., and waited.., to find something in the other person that would make them feel safe.., that would make them feel ready to trust them.., when all it took.., was opening up.., being slightly vulnerable.., exposing themselves.., only to find out.., that they could trust their girlfriends or wives.., and enjoy what they wanted to enjoy with them..

With people.., and not just men you're interested in.., but with people in general.., that's exactly what has to take place! You can't have trust.., you can't truly feel safe or trust the other person.., until you open up to them.., put yourself in a vulnerable position.., expose yourself and maybe your weaknesses.., and see that they don't hurt you or take advantage of them..

Is it risky? You bet it is.., but it's less risky when you're a good judge of character.., unless you're not completely certain yet of how well you judge character in others.., and if you're uncertain of that.., then it's understandable why you're unsure.., and when you feel unsure.., the smallest risk may seem monumental..

My own two cents on this is:

1. Talk to people
2. When you do.., start off small
3. Invest emotionally on little things
4. Build up with being open and less guarded until you feel comfortable
5. At the same time.., see if they make you feel any reason to justify feeling guarded or defensive
6. If they do.., then just stop talking! (there's no reason to interact with someone you can't be yourself with.., unless you're an actor!)
7. If you notice yourself feeling comfortable.., then just allow yourself to open up more and more until you find yourself feeling safe with this person and enjoy that feeling with them.., and if you have to give that feeling a name.., you can call it "trust".., I call it "Bob".., but must people like the sound of "trust" better..

http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn250/SummaFelix/get_22.jpg

Best,

GrkScorp

jinx343
17-06-08, 12:04 AM
shit you didn't thank my last post.. that's the last of the advice that you'll ever get from me.

raverboy

damn.. and i thought you were complaining that i thanked all the posters! that's why i didnt click your "thanks" button.

Illusional
17-06-08, 12:50 PM
where is my negative thanks button??

raverboy

jinx343
17-06-08, 01:07 PM
yeah.. admin, where is it?!?!?

IndiReloaded
17-06-08, 01:13 PM
Would you really be able to appreciate or even understand the lesson any other way? It's hard to know until you live through it.

That's the great thing about Life's Hard Lessons. No matter how painful or uncomfortable, it *still* beats the alternative...

"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it.... always look on the bright side of life..."

YouTube - Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

GrkScorp
17-06-08, 01:19 PM
http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn250/SummaFelix/sym_16.jpg

jinx343
17-06-08, 07:20 PM
grk.. thanks again for that helpful post...and for those hilarious pics (how many times have i said that about it ?!) love them all the time..

jinx343
17-06-08, 07:21 PM
indie.. that was a funny video .. with good lyrics though :D love the tune.. lalalalala....though i dunno where i have heard that tune before.. tv ad perhaps..

Illusional
18-06-08, 11:43 AM
yeah.. admin, where is it?!?!?

are you referring to me?? because i'm not the administrator.

raverboy

jinx343
18-06-08, 12:03 PM
are you referring to me?? because i'm not the administrator.

raverboy

not you obviously...

are you drunk again!?!?!:P

Illusional
18-06-08, 12:14 PM
not you obviously...

are you drunk again!?!?!:P

not yet, but i'm going to the fridge right now to grab my beer.

raverboy

jinx343
18-06-08, 12:52 PM
good.. u need lots of it... first gulp, mine! mwuahahahahaha!

1averagejoe
18-06-08, 12:53 PM
not yet, but i'm going to the fridge right now to grab my beer.

raverboy
Calm down there...it's only tuesday.






Wait till tomorrow.

jinx343
18-06-08, 12:58 PM
too late AJ.. raver wont listen anyway..fo him any day is drinking day..i bet he's drunk now...hehe

Illusional
19-06-08, 10:00 AM
shiet.. you posted that last post 6 mintues later... i probably was only on my second beer. c'mon.

raverboy

jinx343
20-06-08, 09:34 AM
what?!?! only on your 2nd beer!?!?!?!?!

i overestimated you...ur thaaaaaattttt slow?!?.. damn... you disappointed me.

Illusional
21-06-08, 10:26 AM
i overestimated you...ur thaaaaaattttt slow?!?.. damn... you disappointed me.

that's because we err...nevermind. i don't want to get your hopes up.

raverboy

jinx343
21-06-08, 02:07 PM
err.. what? pls do continue...

Illusional
22-06-08, 03:34 AM
like i said, i don't want to get your hopes up because i'll break your heart.

raverboy