someone MALE please explain this breakup to me !
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    someone MALE please explain this breakup to me !

    My boyfriend and had been going out for 7 years and he ended it a couple of months ago for reasons I am struggling to understand. Im 29 and he is 31. We are totally best friends and always happy together. We have travelled all over the world together. We have all the same values and interests, see things the same way and we have a great shared sense of humour. Our relationship has been stagnating a bit the last few years since my mother has been battling cancer twice and I probably pushed him away a bit in order to look after her nearly full time. A few years before his father died suddenly and that was also a tough time for us. We havn't been having sex for a while mainly as a result of me being stressed over my mother but also I suppose we have just become far too close as people to still flirt with each other and keep that spark alive. We are both good looking people who find each other physically attractive. He contracted herpes a couple of years ago around the same time that my mother was diagnosed with cancer which sadly has also contributed to the demise of our sex life since he became angry and resentful of it, didn't really accept it and deal with it properly and often tried to blame me. I have been scared of catching it before we commit ourselves further to one another. he hasn't cheated on me, it was from a previous girl. He has a trauma of cheaters from his previous girlfriend as feels very strongly about that subject. He has only had one girlfriend since high school - me. He broke up with me after we had tried to have sex for the first time in 6 months since things had become so awkward on that front. I initially hadnt wanted to have sex as I was so upset and broken over my mother, and then when I felt better enough and tried to initiate it with him it simply didn't work. He started crying hysterically as this happened and told me how scared he was that our relationship was over. I tried to reassure him it was just a bad patch and we were under stress and maybe trying to force it. I explained this happens to a lot of people after 7 years if left unchecked and all we had to do was agree to try and fix it if that was what he wanted. He assured me through his sobs that it was of course and that he wouldn't still be in this relationship if it weren't. He has always been the most loving boyfriend. Treated me really well, spoilt me a lot actually. He is a very honest guy to the point where he is rude actually. He has no filter. He told friends of ours a few months before the break how he was waiting for me to move in with him ( once my mother is better hopefully ) for him to then propose to me. He told friends a month before we broke up how he was planning to take me back to Costa Rica for my 30th as a surprise since I loved it so much.

    What he said to me when we broke up was that he loved me more than anything and anyone, but wasn't in love anymore and didn't see me in that way anymore.That he saw me as a best friend and a sister and That he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. I tried to explain to him that being in love after 7 years is not really a given for most people and that most people would feel lucky to have the quality of friendship and partnership that we have after 7 years. He said that he couldn't go into marriage without sparks, that sparks should be there before marriage. I pointed out that most people get married before the sparks go out because they don't wait 7 years. I also think that sparks can come and go and that it is normal perhaps for this to happen. He told me he wanted to be best friends and when I told him I wanted to give back my souvenirs of him he got very upset and told me that ' you never know what will happen in the future.' he also said that he might regret this decision at some point and maybe I would be the one that got away, that he knows already he will never find a girl with the same qualities that I have and that maybe in year he 'will serenade me under my window and beg for me back'.

    What I would like to know please is what is going on really with him without anyone knowing him. He seems depressed at the moment. He is unhappy in his work and not excited by life in general. He isn't doing well from what people tell me but he seems pretty sure at this point that this is what the right thing to do is. Is this a situation where after time apart and more distance between us, he might see me in a healthier light again, given that the love is still there? As a man, can you regain that sexual interest in someone after it goes seemingly completely? Can this all be because he is unhappy in his life in general and was sick of trying to make it work when it was so hard? How much hope can I realistically have that he may sleep with some girls now, get his ego back up, and then realise what he had with me is better than sparks ( which always fade ) and that what we have is not just friendship but a pretty serious more compassionate love? He is a very immature and spoilt 31 year old for what it's worth. He doesn't have the highest emotional intelligence despite being very bright and has a high sense of entitlement since he was a child. ( to give some bad points only)

    Lastly if there is a chance that he could change how he feels in time , do I accept his offer of friendship which he desperately wants or do I completely freeze him out? I want him to realise that he misses me and that there is more to a good relationship than just sparks and sex, and that the basis is essentially what we had. If I accept his friendship will he then only see me as a friend? If i shut him out will it only help him forget me or will it make him realise more what he lost?

    any insight would be so appreciated as as a woman Im struggling to see how something like sex , which should be workable can lead to the demise of such an otherwise great relationship. Ive never felt so loved by anyone.

    thanks in advance for reading this long ramble and any advice!

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    Sorry to hear that you are having to endure a breakup of a 7 year relationship. Different guys have differences on sex,spark and relationship so I can only give you my perspective and what the general consensus is with people I know.I would like to make a point that I think there is something else that is bothering him besides the sex that lead to the breakup and unhappiness. If a guy is physically able, it is hard to lose sexual attraction to someone when everything else is hunky-dory which is why I think something else was happening. I am not sure if it is because of the Herpes or the weight of mother's situation. If you can find out what the real cause is, it could help in saving the relationship.

    Like I said, changing his feelings on having sex with you isn't the issue, it's some other reason that cause the breakup. If your relationship with him is good, then the sex should work itself out.

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    Well for what you told doesn't seems like but his he an introvert?

    It looks like depression to me, sometime life hit us really hard and we lost our north the burning emotions and happiness transforms into of pile of ashes and illusions, worse thing is that it change us in a worse way.

    I am also going through that at the moment, my gf broke up with me after 10 years almost 11. I can relate to your bf feelings, i could barely communicate anymore, we didn't have much sex anymore i felt unhappy all the time which led to this point of rupture.

    I see other reason behind that, sex like madotnw said is fixable, but also plays a big role in relationships.
    His he a person that normally respond angry or at least lately? Did he stopped opening himself?

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    Thank you both for your responses. Im sorry that you are going through this too.

    He is not an introvert at all. Very extroverted normally but also emotionally closed. He doesnít dwell on things too much he just always looks to be having fun. That being said if you never deal with problems they do keep up on you when you donít expect it. I donít think he realises he is depressed. He maybe felt the cause of all his frustration and sadness was me, but I think now that i am out of the picture he might be able to see that it wasnít really me at all. I feel I became very needy over the last few years with my mother being so sick. I think this has affected our relationship. It is impossible for me to find out the the reason because I am not in contact with him at all.
    I think he has not been having as much sex over the last 7 years as he would have liked. That is both of our faults though not just mine. I also think that with sex it takes work after the first year. People need to work on that aspect of the relationship which neither of us really did. We just waitied for that spark to come back I suppose. The sex is always good when it happens it just became too easy to not have it when we didnít see each other that often and when we did we were often happy to just relax. You get into a rut like this. Then of course the herpes happened and that made things worse for him. I think he is quite ashamed of it even though I have reassured him it is nothing to be ashamed about. But he is the sort of person who used to judge other with STDs so I think it has affected his ego.

    Is it possible that with time apart he will have enough sex that he realises what he had with me was the real deal? I k is he saw a future with me right from from the start. We have spoken about marriage and kids since year 1. Will him having lots of sex and freedom now away from me and the negativity ( my mothers cancer ) remind him of the good times we had of which there were too many to count? Will it make him realise that sex and sparks is not the most important thing in long lasting relationships. Of course sex is important, but when I speak to my young married friends and other couples who are in long relationships, none of them say they have sparks and they all say that they need to work on the physical side of their relationship constantly.
    I simply donít know how men think I suppose.

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    Well, 7 years is a long time.

    My advice is just speak your truth. State that you want to work things out, and for him to get in contact with you if he ever feels that way.
    Then, hard move on, eventually start dating other people.

    Be his friend if you're content with just being friends, but it doesn't sound like you want that, if you really want him back, just say that you'd prefer not to be just friends, as you need to get on with your life if he doesn't want to be a part of it romantically. But for him to contact you if he changes his mind.

    I think being friends with someone you're head over heels with can just inhibit things and prevent you from moving on, for them, they feel like they have you as a permanent end buffer I case things don't work out elsewhere, not always, it depends how things end. It's okay to be friends with exes, and people you're attracted to.

    Just ask yourself if it's good for you or not.

    Sparks can fade, especially if people become complacent and stop trying to have fun, keep going on great dates, etc. but I think if that normal high mutual attraction was there at the beginning. That stuff can't really be faked, it's rare to find that, he'll discover that.
    It does sound like he has a lot of other issues, but if he doesn't want to work things out, there's nothing you can do. It takes two to tango.

    He might come back as he said, but don't count on it or wait on it. When things end, assume they're over forever, that's the best stance to go with.

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