He's turned so sour...
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    He's turned so sour...

    So, I've been friends with a guy for about two years now, we originally met through Work he was my manager then he left and went to another venue within our company but still remained quite good friends. About 4/5 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend which was mutual I wasn't heartbroken I healed quite quickly from the breakup.

    The guy friend and myself became closer and started a romantic relationship. He was going away on a holiday and had it planned for a while, I came into a bit of extra cash and he invited me to go along with him. it was a big move for me, it was my first holiday alone without family so I was proper excited and nervous.

    Everything was great before he holiday like I've never seen him so happy and made up about us seeing each other and that we were going away on this adventure. So the holiday comes, everything's going smoothly like we're not pure couple-y whilst we're away we'd only started dating I didn't wanna get too swept up. Half way through the holiday things started to feel weird he was pulling away from me, being grumpy. We still had a good time but I knew it had fizzled out.

    He then took some time off work for personal reasons when we got back and completely shut me out. I get romantic situations can fizzle but we've always been great friends. I see him from time to time as we work in quite close proximity, mutual friends etc and he point blanks me. It's as if seeing me annoys him. I don't know what I've done or how to move forward.

    It literally breaks my heart that someone I was so close to and had this crazy adventure with can't even look at me, but also that he's hurting cause of personal problems and has shut me out. Should I ask him what it is I've done? Should I forget about him and try to get over the fact he won't even speak to me when we see each other? Any advice would be great

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sazzyb View Post
    So, I've been friends with a guy for about two years now, we originally met through Work he was my manager then he left and went to another venue within our company but still remained quite good friends. About 4/5 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend which was mutual I wasn't heartbroken I healed quite quickly from the breakup.

    The guy friend and myself became closer and started a romantic relationship. He was going away on a holiday and had it planned for a while, I came into a bit of extra cash and he invited me to go along with him. it was a big move for me, it was my first holiday alone without family so I was proper excited and nervous.

    Everything was great before he holiday like I've never seen him so happy and made up about us seeing each other and that we were going away on this adventure. So the holiday comes, everything's going smoothly like we're not pure couple-y whilst we're away we'd only started dating I didn't wanna get too swept up. Half way through the holiday things started to feel weird he was pulling away from me, being grumpy. We still had a good time but I knew it had fizzled out.

    He then took some time off work for personal reasons when we got back and completely shut me out. I get romantic situations can fizzle but we've always been great friends. I see him from time to time as we work in quite close proximity, mutual friends etc and he point blanks me. It's as if seeing me annoys him. I don't know what I've done or how to move forward.

    It literally breaks my heart that someone I was so close to and had this crazy adventure with can't even look at me, but also that he's hurting cause of personal problems and has shut me out. Should I ask him what it is I've done? Should I forget about him and try to get over the fact he won't even speak to me when we see each other? Any advice would be great
    Hi @Sazzyb

    Thanks for your post.

    This is a really interesting situation you're in...

    Now i'm always a little skeptical when I hear stories like this (please don't take offence to this). When I say this, what I mean is that, rarely does someone just completely turn 180 degrees and start disliking someone - there has to be something that triggered that behaviour. This is where it gets tricky because I know how, from your perspective, you might be completely unsure as to why he's behaved the way that he has.
    Is there anything that you can think of during the trip that you felt created the shift? Any specific moments?

    Another possibility here is that, when guys often go through problems in their life, distancing themselves and shutting people out is extremely common. It's not that they don't want to spend time with others, it's just that the impact of those problems threatens his masculine identity and the best way to handle it is to go and hide in the 'caves' until they're ready to come out. Now I can't be sure that this is what's happening here primarily because I don't have enough but it definitely is a possibility.

    You can potentially ask him what's going on but if what I said in my previous paragraph is true, then it's likely that he won't even communicate to you the problem.
    Personally I feel the best approach would be for you to give him the necessary space and then continue on with your life and then in time, i'm sure that you 'moving on', so to speak, will lure him back to you. I'm not a fan of playing games but this approach does work.

    I hope that makes sense.

    Any questions, please let me know.

    Thanks

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    i think you have every right to know. but i also think the "personal reasons" and whatever happned during the holiday (which i have a hunch has nothing to do with you) - has a lot to do with it. so you must approach this very very gently and gracefully.
    that being said - nobody owes you your closure. closure comes from within, not from others. so if it's time to move on then find a way to move on.

    As to how i woudl approach this. I would not push, or push an agenda here. Ii'd appraoch it as, "hey.. was just thinking abou tyou... hope all is well. i'm always here if you need..." and kinda keep it like that and let him respond as he wishes. don't do it constantly, but just now and then. its when we allow people to act upon their OWN FREE WILL (rather than us PUSHING them to act) that we see and find the truth about where they are at. So after doing this for a while - you'll know.

    sometimes when people are going thru something serious personally (or within their family) - they can get tunnel-visioned (and very reasonably so). so a little nudge now and then to remind them there are other people there, another world there, and people thinking about them is a good and needed thing for them. BUT.. let him dictate how he reacts to it and you'll have your answer as to how you fit in it all.

    lastly don't assume it's you or something youve done. LET HIM tell you that it was you if it was you. Otherwise, it probably wasn't you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
    Thanks for your post.
    This is a really interesting situation you're in...
    this is so standard coaching book like. It allways strucks me as odd. While i like your posts I think this whole false thank you for your oppinion thing is just overpsychological talk.
    I think it marks the communication out to be too "wanted" i think its not authentic.
    its an automatic response to ANY answer you will get.
    people could call you a retard and youd go "thank you for your oppinion"
    While i agree its important to establish rapport i dont think thats the best way to do it.
    And knowing some things about coaching alot its rather one of those things that annoy me.

    but thanks for your content. i like that much






    on topic:
    is there a particular reason for you to not ask him? I do not understand what has kept you from doing it?
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hooo! View Post
    this is so standard coaching book like. It allways strucks me as odd. While i like your posts I think this whole false thank you for your oppinion thing is just overpsychological talk.
    I think it marks the communication out to be too "wanted" i think its not authentic.
    its an automatic response to ANY answer you will get.
    people could call you a retard and youd go "thank you for your oppinion"
    While i agree its important to establish rapport i dont think thats the best way to do it.
    And knowing some things about coaching alot its rather one of those things that annoy me.

    but thanks for your content. i like that much






    on topic:
    is there a particular reason for you to not ask him? I do not understand what has kept you from doing it?
    @Hooo!

    Please refrain from making judgments on other people's comments including the advice that I give. The beauty of forums are that we are all entitled to an opinion but it's also imperative to be respectful.
    There have been a number of posts where your advice has quite simply been poor and misguiding and it's leading people down the wrong track completely - yet I have kept my mouth shut out of respect for your opinion.

    The advice I give is based on many years of successfully turning around people's lives so you can take it or leave it - but don't call people 'retards' etc. It's entirely inappropriate. You're advice smells of someone who is trying to help people but hasn't got a clue whatsoever on how to do it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
    @Hooo!

    Please refrain from making judgments on other people's comments including the advice that I give. The beauty of forums are that we are all entitled to an opinion but it's also imperative to be respectful.
    There have been a number of posts where your advice has quite simply been poor and misguiding and it's leading people down the wrong track completely - yet I have kept my mouth shut out of respect for your opinion.

    The advice I give is based on many years of successfully turning around people's lives so you can take it or leave it - but don't call people 'retards' etc. It's entirely inappropriate. You're advice smells of someone who is trying to help people but hasn't got a clue whatsoever on how to do it.
    thank you for your honest oppinion.
    I am always glad to read your approach on peoples problems.
    I did not mean to insult you or judge your comments negatively in any way.
    I think part of the forum and of personally getting better is to also discuss openly how we provide help and feedback to each other.
    If you think I am mistaken on some of my advice and lead people on the wrong track then please feel invited to criticize my advice. I do not want to get people on the wrong track and I am surely interested in learning a good deal myself, especially about coaching.

    To make myself clear again, its not that I dont like your content. I enjoy reading your answers and the different approach you choose. I just dont like the sandwhich method of giving feedback if its overdone. you do that almost every post and for most people thats a nice thing. However even in your profesisonal career you must have had people react negatively to that.

    Im not calling you a tard or anything. I just merely noted that - when overdone - any rapport building technique will have negative effects.
    Sometimes that looks like you are scholaring people and other times it looks like you psychologise that. Most times its good and nice.

    Again: i really like your contributions to this forum a lot. I respect it even more, because I know u usually charge money for it.
    However i liked your honest answer right now even better than your usual posts.
    Feel free to give me more of that. I can benefit from your posts possibly quite as much as the other users on this forum.
    Last edited by Hooo!; 22-04-17 at 06:53 AM.
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hooo! View Post
    thank you for your honest oppinion.
    I am always glad to read your approach on peoples problems.
    I did not mean to insult you or judge your comments negatively in any way.
    I think part of the forum and of personally getting better is to also discuss openly how we provide help and feedback to each other.
    If you think I am mistaken on some of my advice and lead people on the wrong track then please feel invited to criticize my advice. I do not want to get people on the wrong track and I am surely interested in learning a good deal myself, especially about coaching.

    To make myself clear again, its not that I dont like your content. I enjoy reading your answers and the different approach you choose. I just dont like the sandwhich method of giving feedback if its overdone. you do that almost every post and for most people thats a nice thing. However even in your profesisonal career you must have had people react negatively to that.

    Im not calling you a tard or anything. I just merely noted that - when overdone - any rapport building technique will have negative effects.
    Sometimes that looks like you are scholaring people and other times it looks like you psychologise that. Most times its good and nice.

    Again: i really like your contributions to this forum a lot. I respect it even more, because I know u usually charge money for it.
    However i liked your honest answer right now even better than your usual posts.
    Feel free to give me more of that. I can benefit from your posts possibly quite as much as the other users on this forum.
    @Hooo!

    There are extremely vulnerable people on these forums and quite frankly, it's not an environment to build 'rapport' for a number of reasons, hence I firmly believe in being respectful and polite. That's my style, you stick with yours.
    You make it sound like I simply copy and paste a template into every post which is not correct. I put a lot of thought into how I serve people. Also, For a lot of people, it takes courage to post on these forums and hence I thank them for it - does that mean I'm approaching it with the 'sandwich' method that you state - absolutely not. You have a very blunt way of communicating which comes across in every post yet, I have a more polite way. Does that mean either approach is better - no, they are just different so it's important to recognise that.

    My suggestion is this - you stick to your posts, I stick to mine. We have hijacked this thread, when it should be about serving the OP and that's not good enough. Lets leave it at that

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    Cheers for the advice.

    Honestly I can't recall anything that happened that sticks out. We had a good time whilst we were away given the situation. We still had fun, so I thought until we got back.

    I have messaged him a few times along the lines of how are you, and he has replied short and ends the conversation after a few messages. I just want him to know I'm still here for him.

    i actually seen him two nights ago accidentally and he didn't even speak to me, which is so strange as he had replied to my few text messages.

    To answer why I haven't asked him, I do understand he is going through something at the moment and I don't want to bother him and make it about me and our relationship/ friendship. I guess I'm so scared to push him further away from me.

    I also think that I'm just waiting for him to find his feet again and get back to himself which I'm unsure If I should even do that or he would even want this, but a girl can only try...

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