Positive light?

[nebulachic]

I've been dating a separated guy for 8 mos. He's been separated for 3 years but lives 5 minutes from the wife and been in close contact with her all along because of a 16 yr old son (particularly since he got out of rehab-the son). He's dated a few other women before me but says our connection is much more.

One day about 5 mos into it I asked him if he ever considers me as his next life partner (not necessarily marriage). He said "Of course I do! It's only natural to think of the person you're with! But I can't make any promises right now." I was kind of shocked because he had been telling me how in love he was with me since the 2nd month. He said "I'm not saying I'm going to run out and screw every woman I see {I had expressed concern about that}. But I am going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questions. I don't want to make another mistake." About a week later we talked about it again. He said "I/we don't know how we're going to feel about this relationship after I have all my freedom back. I can't give you any guarantees."
"Well what is the worst case scenario?" I asked. "That we'd realize we are going down different paths and mutually decide to end it" he said.

OK.. that was 3 months ago. He has been telling me since he didn't mean anything negative by his comments. He even agreed to see my shrink about (after I had already told him she was more on his side though after hearing about the situation). I haven't felt trusting toward him since he said it though and our connection has been lacking because of it but he did start divorce proceedings earlier this month and is hoping it will be done in 4 months. After the first meeting he asked how I was feeling about it.

Is there really any way I could have taken his statements in a positive light like he keeps insisting????

[Ellynn]

First off, hes separated....not divoriced... And why is that? I mean 3 yrs have passed.... Usually by then you know if its gonna work or not.. WHy the delay in the divorice?

Also, I think he wants the best of both worlds.... Being married and the family guy....and yet having you as his lover......making promises etc... And then not guaranteeing anything once he finally does go thru with the divorice..... Bringing up how once he has "freedom" he doesn't know what hes gonna do... Whats up with that?

I hate to say it....but I think its normal for you to have these concerns... IN fact....I would be questioning everything too. This guy doesn't sound like he even knows what he wants... I mean hes waiting a long time for a divorice and isn't even sure if he sees a future with you... Why would you want to be with someone who has all that going on and is THAT unsure?

I mean I can understand his uncertainty about getting serious again.....but I have a feeling he has no plans for it anytime soon. ARe you willing to stick by him even if it ends up being nothing at all? Or until he figures out what he truly wants? If so......be very cautous... But honestly I have more doubts then certainty that things are gonna work out in your favor.....

[vashti]

I don’t think he has any intentions of making a more solid commitment to you. The fact that you are even asking about this makes me think that you are pretty young, so I am going to go with that assumption.

This guy already HAS a family. Assuming you are young, it is likely that you are still trying to form one. You are at very different stages in your life, and many men are quite reluctant to pick up and start all over again when their families are still intact. I know he is dating you, but he IS still married, and if he were interested in divorcing he would have done so by now.

I think you should fire your therapist if he/she hasn’t already told you that it sounds like this man is a risky proposition.

[nebulachic]

I forgot to mention intially.. he did start divorce proceedings earlier this month and is hoping it will be done in 4 months. He asked for my feedbakc. I said "Why do you want to know?" He said "Because we're involved." I said "What are you hoping I will say?" He said "That you're happy for me" He didn't say anything about our future though. He said "I'd also think you'd say 'It's about time!!'" I didn't say how excited I was because to me it signifies a possible breakup and I told him that.

[nebulachic]

UPDATE: He told me Monday night he wants to take a break. I asked how long. He said "I don't know.. maybe a couple weeks. I think we'er stuck and I'm tired of the circular conversations." Later in the conversation I said something about not putting any timeframe on it at all. He agreed. At the end he said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" (???) but he never called.

I ended up calling him on his home phone and cell phone around 10:30 pm but didn't leave a message (very unusual for him not to be home that late). He called me back @ 11:30. He said he had just gotten back from spending time with his son. I asked if he got my calls. He said he dropped his cellphone in a puddle (he works outside) and left it at home with the battery out (doesn't that mean the cell phone would be turned off? It didnt' ring as such).

I asked him what was really going on. He said "Nothing. Like I said I was with my son." I asked why he hadn't called me like he said he would. He said "Well you said we weren't putting a timeframe on it." He said he didn't want to talk a long time because he was exghausted and got to work 1.5 hours late that morning due to being upset about our conversation the night before. We ended up talking for about an hour though even though *I* said I wanted to get going a few times.

He said he isn't trying to break it to me gently and wants to try to straighten our issues out. I questioned if he feels obligated to do so for some reason. He said "No. If I felt there was nothing left between us I would tell you. I want to try to get over this hump." He said he'd even be willing to go to a therapist.

Then he said something about each of us making a list of the things we want from the relationship and things we want to see changed. THEN he says "Maybe we should do it soon. Do you want to get together tomorrow night?" I was kind of floored and didn't say anything for a while. "Unless you think it's too soon" he said. "Can we play it by ear?" I asked. "Sure" he said. "But if we don't do it tomorrow night we'll have to wait til next week bcuz I have my son this weekend."

Here he was telling me he wants some space.. and is now asking to see me this week! I don't get it. Unless maybe he's thinking we're going to come to the conclusion we don't want the same things by what we've written and he wants to get it overwith ASAP.

[Gigabitch]

I think going to the therapist is a good idea. It sounds to me like you're trying not to hear what he's telling you. Maybe your relationship isn't over, but it doesn't sound like it's ever going to be the relationship you want.

[Ellynn]

I mean It really doesn't make a difference if he just started divorce proceedings etc... Point is..hes still married... And it looks to me like it took him a long time to figure out what he wanted to do....with staying married or getting divorced..

I fear you are trapped in the middle of it....and in the end you will be the one getting hurt....

Once he's divorced....can you trust him? I mean yes your the other woman now....(even though hes separated) but what about when you and him become more serious? Don't you fear hes gonna move out and separate from you and then have some other woman on the side? I mean say you don't even get to the point of marriage.... once he has that freedom....whats he gonna do? Do you really think hes gonna want to be tied down? It sounds to me that even with him being married he can't deal with it..(examples: stalling the divorce, being with you....) I mean if he can't even handle a committed relationship and do the honorable thing and get out of it first before pursuing someone else.....then how is he gonna handle JUST dating you?

I don't trust this guy one bit... But I do give him credit for spending time with his son..(if thats the truth..... well you NEVER know). At least he has one of his priorities straight.. Honestly with all the other guys out there......why do you insist on being with him? I mean he sounds like he has enough baggage and enough drama for any woman to steer clear of him right now...

But then again....its your choice... But please don't say we didn't warn you.

[vashti]

I don't trust this guy one bit... But I do give him credit for spending time with his son...

Odd how we "give credit" to men for doing what they are supposed to be doing anyway! Do we give him "credit" for getting out of bed in the morning, too?

j/k

[Ellynn]

Odd how we "give credit" to men for doing what they are supposed to be doing anyway! Do we give him "credit" for getting out of bed in the morning, too?

j/k

Haha.. yeah I see what you mean. But this guy sounds like he puts himself and his feelings before anyone else.... and really doesn't care who he hurts in the process.... So at least he seems to be doing SOMETHING good and actually spending time with his son. I mean it sounds like his son needs that... Considering the rehab at 16 drama....

[mini696]

If he says everything is OK and wants you to think positively about what he has said, then I think you should do that.

I guess he just cant describe his feeling properly to you, but he is thinking positive about the relationship, and that is the important thing.

You both obviously are willing to make the relationship work, so I think you need to relax a bit.

But I do understand why you find it difficult to be positive.

Oops didn't read all the way to the end... IGNORE THIS POST

[Ellynn]

I mean how can you think positive......if so much gives you reason not to.??

[nebulachic]

He came over last night. We didn't compare lists like he mentioned or even talk about us. It was pretty late when he got there and we went out to dinner and talked about work stuff. We got home and I ended up reading some pages out of a funny book Ive been reading. He cuddled up to me and fell asleep. In the morning he apologized for not being very talkative.

He look absolutely exhausted this morning and had the hardest time getting out of bed. He said he just wanted to curl up to me and sleep for hours. I think we're both pretty spent from everything.

I'm not sure what to think that we didn't talk like he suggested we do (???)

He said he'd call me tonight. His brother and brother's g/f are visiting him tonight maybe overnight (a weekend he has the kid - he won't even see me for a few hours on those weekends :roll eyes: I was going to say something but since I havent' even met the kid yet I don't feel I can)