Need some help understanding changes in relationship with best friend.

[letlovein]

I suppose that my situation is not all that different than several of the same vein posted to this forum.

I am a male college student, in my early 20s. I am falling in love with my best friend (female). In fact, I am in love with my best friend. I can't tell you when it started, though I know that I first realized it when I heard a song titled "Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg for the first time and understood many of the sentiments expressed in the song. If any of you have heard the song, you will understand the sentimen and if you haven't, do yourself the favor of giving it a listen.

Our friendship goes back to high school. We were good friends then, became very close friends soon after graduating, and remain very close friends to this day. I realized that I was falling for my friend, let's call her Sarah, earlier this year, although I can see the seeds planted months to years before that.

My friendship with Sarah has always been platonic and has never hinted at anything but platonic until recently. There have been changes, subtle but noticed by mutual friends (not just myself, gratefully), in our interactions. There is still the same close, personal relationship that there has been but there are a few ways in which it has been altered, especially in the last month, maybe six weeks.

There is more sensuality to our banter (not overt but nuanced), text messages are more flirtatious on both ends, compliments on appearance are more readily exchanged. We have always spoken at least once a week, often twice depending on what is going on in our lives. We are now speaking on the phone 3-4 times per week, conversations about anything and everything for an hour or two at a time. When we aren't speaking on the phone or driving to visit with each other, there are a lot of texts being sent back and forth.

Two of our mutual friends have asked me if there is something going on between us. Both are aware that I have feelings for "Sarah" and both are aware that nothing has ever happened on a physical level between the two of us, but it strikes me that others would pick up on changes which I have noticed personally.

This is where I am at. I could use some perspective on this. My feelings for her aside for the moment, if this behavior was coming from a female which I was not very close, long-time friends with, I would readily acknowledge that there was something brewing. I don't know if I should trust this gut instinct with "Sarah" as well. The signs seem to be there, signs which point to a potential change in the way she looks at me. I am not sure if she potentially feels about me (or is open to feeling about me) the same way that I have come to feel about her. If it matters, I have changed significantly on the outside over the last year, having dropped nearly 40 pounds, down to about 220 (still 40 more to go, but that is neither here nor there).

What do you think? Women, have you ever developed feelings for one of your close/best male friends? Are the behaviors I am describing consistent with or similar to yours?

I would welcome any and all perspective on this, as I am very aware of the potential risks and reward which this sort of situation can bring. How should I go about feeling out this situation?

My thanks in advance.

[1averagejoe]

Well, I was recently in a situation like yours. First off you're not in love with her, you're infatuated with her. Secondly, well you've got a few options here:

You can hold in those feelings and maybe she'll pick up on the signals or make the first move. Chances are she won't make the first move, because well...most women don't. But the problem we have with this is that friends know how you feel about her, and I wouldn't be surprised if the word gets back to her.

Or you can take the option I took. You can ask her out and just let her know how you feel. There's a few responses that she can give you. She'll tell you she feels the same way about you, she isn't looking for a relationship(she doesn't like you that way), or she'll tell you flat out she doesn't have feelings for you that way. If it's the later two well you risk losing your friendship with her, it will more than likely be awkward after. But the problem you're faced with right now is that your relationship is already at risk considering that friends know and she's bound to find out sooner or later. Like someone on here once told me. Keeping in those feelings is like keeping in a fart...it hurts. Just let it out and let her know how you feel. Better to try and lose than to never know what could have happened.

Best of luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Some of the best relationships start as friendships. So long as you are both available & she seems to be open to the idea, I think you should go for it.

Just go easy to start. Don't freak her out by spilling your guts onto the floor in one go.

[Cain]

The only negative thing about spilling your feelings is you risk weakening the friendship. If you think the feelings might be mutual, go for it.

[letlovein]

Thanks for the feedback. Indi, you say go slow. I take this to mean don't go about laying it all on the table (obviously). Should I be direct in my approach to the situation or a little more subtle? I do both very well, so I would be open to either optio.

[letlovein]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1averagejoe

Well, I was recently in a situation like yours. First off you're not in love with her, you're infatuated with her. Secondly, well you've got a few options here:

You can hold in those feelings and maybe she'll pick up on the signals or make the first move. Chances are she won't make the first move, because well...most women don't. But the problem we have with this is that friends know how you feel about her, and I wouldn't be surprised if the word gets back to her.

Or you can take the option I took. You can ask her out and just let her know how you feel. There's a few responses that she can give you. She'll tell you she feels the same way about you, she isn't looking for a relationship(she doesn't like you that way), or she'll tell you flat out she doesn't have feelings for you that way. If it's the later two well you risk losing your friendship with her, it will more than likely be awkward after. But the problem you're faced with right now is that your relationship is already at risk considering that friends know and she's bound to find out sooner or later. Like someone on here once told me. Keeping in those feelings is like keeping in a fart...it hurts. Just let it out and let her know how you feel. Better to try and lose than to never know what could have happened.

Best of luck.

Averagejoe...I appreciate your perspective of having recently dealt with this type of situation. I am acutely aware of the potential negatives, including things being awkward. Is it your experience that this awkwardness fades with time (discounting the variable of those individuals involved)?

[letlovein]

Just throwing this thought out there for consideration. Both "Sarah" and I are avid music fans and concert goers with very similar interests. This may be very old school, but what about doing something like a small mixtape composed of a few songs hinting at these thoughts running through my head. We are both fans of Colbie Caillat and her single "Realize" would be an example of a potential playlist add. Sounds a little cheesy, perhaps, but what are your thoughts?

[IndiReloaded]

Hey LetLoveIn,

By 'go slow' I simply mean don't do a big confession that you've loved her forever--unless she happens to feel exactly the same (unlikely) you run the big risk of scaring her off.

Your goal is to date this gal. You want more than friendship, get that straight in your head before proceeding. Once you're clear on this, you need to start doing the things you know she will find attractive *in a potential partner*. Hopefully, given that you are close friends & you've gotten to observe her w/her dates (I'm assuming she isn't dating anyone at present), you already have an idea what works & what doesn't.

I wouldn't do anything like your playlist until she KNOWS how you feel. Its too ambiguous & could be misinterpreted. Especially if she already likes you, you run the risk that she convinces herself she is misreading you. Someone needs to make the first step VERY clear. She's a woman, so I think you want to engage her emotions. How you do that depends on her. If she's brainy, take the route of things like study time together, visit museums, a concert is fine but leave time for coffee or something after (I dislike movies & concerts for dates b/c you can't talk). If she's emotional, take her to a sappy movie or play you can discuss, a playground near little happy kids, a pet store; if physical, go on a hike, etc.

Once together, alone, you *slowly* start to reveal your feelings as more than friends. Compliment her, tell her what you admire/appreciate about her, listen to her responses (hopefully positive) and go from there. A very good sign to proceed is that she reciprocates in kind about YOU in her comments. If you notice awkwardness, that's a sign to put the brakes on & let her process things. Even if she hasn't thought about you romantically before doesn't mean she won't, given the opportunity to think about it.

Others here will have much more info as to the specifics of dating progression, but that's how I'd want to be treated if I were in her situation. Don't worry too much about the 'friendship'; if you are such good friends & things don't work out, you will weather the slight awkwardness there will be and still remain friends. If not, then you weren't true friends anyway.

Good luck.

[letlovein]

Indi, you are what I like to refer to as an invaluable asset. Your advice is a welcome departure from the murky "be careful...the friendship...never know" type of advice I have received from individuals in "the real world." Thank you for your perspective!