I love her, she is afraid. - Love Forum

LewisFisher · #1 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 06:21 AM

Thanks. I have all the information i need know, to make the right decision.

Lozenger · #2 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 08:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LewisFisher

I love her, she is afraid.

One day i invited her for coffee after class as we normally do, but she refused, and i didnt talk to her for a week. When i came to class she almost burst in tears,

About one day 10 months ago, she didnt respond to my calls and i got panicky, after a few restless days i realised i was in love with her.

...a few weeks after that i asked on a date, at the last moment she cancelled, i didnt call her for ten days, she called me on the 11th, said she was scared to call and apologised, when i asked her if i should delete her number she got angry and begged me not to. Again after some time i asked her out again to a concert, the night before she cancelled, wanted to go somewhere with her sister instead.

...comments like what if i had a man around, we spent an hour walking and talking, she wouldnt let me eat at a local place.
Anyway i lost my cool and she left i went home, angry at my self and her. i dint talk to her or see her for 2 months, i changed numbers after trying to contact her a few times.

We laughed alot and talked about stuff and life, and at the end of the evening i felt i knew her better then before, i concentrated on comfort building and making her laugh more, something i did alot early on in our friendship, that was missing since then. We ended the evening pleasantly.

I can tell you her father hurt her emotionally, broken promises, deprived childhood, both emotionally and materially, poor family. father arguing drinking, wife beating maybe but mostly she spoke about her fathers broken promises, and she cried.

This sounds rather difficult. It almost sounds like she's denying her own happiness with you as she keeps backing out of dates. Is this because she is nervous? Perhaps she fears that it'll be another broken promise.

Are her main reasons for cancelling a date being that she can hang out with someone else? Like the time she did something with her sister instead? When you invited her for a coffee and she refused, do you know why you didn't speak to her for a week?

When she didn't answer your calls and you realised you loved her, this may have been her way of testing you to see how much you cared to hear from her, (the number of times you called her) Having a childhood like hers, with a father that hurt her emotionally, she may have felt insecure and unloveable and this is why she would test you if this is what she did.

Again, when you asked her on a date and she cancelled, you didn't call her for 10 days - is there any particular reason why? And why did you ask to delete her number? Did you feel that there was no point in calling her as she never picked up last time she refused a date.

"...she tried to get rid of me, comments like what if i had a man around..."
My hopless romantic side says to me that she was testing you again to see how you would react about her possibly having another man at her house and maybe she felt underdressed. Maybe if she knew you were coming over she would have made sure she looked her best and so got a little embarrassed when you turned up so un expectantly.
She may be worried that because you are not yet divorced, that you may end up going back with your previous partner.

You seem to be doing all the right things and it's good that you realised how things had changed slighty since the beginning of the friendship. But when she refuses/ cancels a date, I think it's important to keep in contact with her as to me, the way you have talked about not ringing her or her not ringing you sounds almost childish. Like the time when she asked you on a date and you blew her off, it sounded like you were trying to get your own back and did you have a reason not to go on that date? But, bearing in mind she was emotionally abused in her childhood, she could have had a negative reaction to this, thinking that maybe you didn't care for her after all.

"i concentrated on comfort building and making her laugh more, something i did alot early on in our friendship, that was missing since then. We ended the evening pleasantly." I think that is something you should definitley stick with doing - and maybe you could try and see if she asks you on a date by not asking her out for a change. Then you know that she is ready for a date and don't go blowing her off, regardless of how many times she has done that to you because she needs to know that she can trust you and she needs to know that you won't stand her up.

It is difficult, but I know that a relationship like yours is a good one and you seem to, most of the time, enjoy yourselves and have a good time.

Good Luck and best wishes

X

FoxyLaydee · #3 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LewisFisher

I need to know how to escalate and build on it. Whats actually going on and how to deal with it so she is mine. I am tired of 1 step forward 2 back.

I can tell you her father hurt her emotionally, broken promises, deprived childhood, both emotionally and materially, poor family. father arguing drinking, wife beating maybe but mostly she spoke about her fathers broken promises, and she cried.

She's not comfortable being the OW (Other Woman) in your life. Why are you not ready to file for divorce? Are you currently separated?

It's not easy to build trust with an MM (Married Man). It's even harder after what she went through with her father. You can't expect her to be all fine and dandy having to share you with his W (wife). She definitely has interest in you and might even have fallen in love with you but she is smart in holding back. It will hurt so much more if she had gotten herself more involved with you.

The hurt and pain a woman has to go through as being the OW - some handle it better cause they have no problem being the OW but those who didn't know they were one until it's too late... it's too much to bear. You have to understand, where will she turn to if she got hurt by you? No one.

Your relationship with her might be out in the open but until the divorce paper is in your hand, I doubt she'd want to invest more than she already has.

IndiReloaded · #4 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 01:58 PM

If I were her, I'd be watching to see how you handle your divorce. There's nothing more telling about someone's character than how they treat an ex.

LewisFisher · #5 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 07:53 PM

Life isnt mine i am slave to others who control my destiny,
I am an imperfect being in an imperfect world.

FoxyLaydee · #6 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LewisFisher

I am happy to get divorced after graduation, which is what i have been waiting for. I dont want people to presurre me into a divorce for their own ends.
i have great job and already i earn more in a month then most students do in three.

I suppose she's giving you mixed signals, yes. I wouldn't have offered to move in.. that is just asking for trouble!

Did you tell her that you'd rather graduate first and let things fall into its own place at its own time? Cause that would be wise rather than you both jump into something right now.

vashti · #7 (**permalink**) 06-04-08, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LewisFisher

i made it clear to her that i wasnt going to get divorced until i was ready to do it, just like it wasnt easy for her parents getting divorced; its not easy for me. .

WTF?

What do you expect from her? You are stil MARRIED. That means you aren't avaiable, and from the above statemnet, it doesn't look like you have any real plan to change that.

If she were posting here, I'd be telling her to run far, far away from you. You belong to your family. Why don't you try investing some of the time you spend chasing tail into trying to repair your marriage? Your child's future is at stake.

Frasbee · #8 (**permalink**) 07-04-08, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

WTF?

What do you expect from her? You are stil MARRIED. That means you aren't avaiable, and from the above statemnet, it doesn't look like you have any real plan to change that.

If she were posting here, I'd be telling her to run far, far away from you. You belong to your family. Why don't you try investing some of the time you spend chasing tail into trying to repair your marriage? Your child's future is at stake.

Now, now Vash, don't go telling him what he doesn't want to hear.

misombra · #9 (**permalink**) 07-04-08, 12:38 AM

no self-respecting person would seriously date someone who was still married and not planning on getting a divorce no matter how separated they are.

she has every right to be afraid.

Gigabitch · #10 (**permalink**) 07-04-08, 07:42 AM

Oh, where to begin?

Okay, first off, what the hell kind of person over the age of 18 plays "cat-and-mouse"? Answer: the kind that prefers game-playing to being straightforward. I see red flags on both sides, here. I find it hard to believe you're actually 33. You act like a kid, deleting her number right in front of her, etc. Sounds like you've got a volatile temper, too. What were you thinking, going by her place without calling first? Didn't your mother raise you better than that?

And the whole "I'll get divorced when I'm good and ready" thing- what the **** is that all about? You don't ease gently into a divorce. You work on your marriage until it's clear that it's over, and then you end it with as much respect and consideration as you can muster for your spouse. That's how it should be, anyway. What you're doing is just ugly. Don't want your wife any more? Fine. Let her go. Don't keep her on the line while you mess around with some clueless kid you met at school.

Yes, I see her as a clueless kid, though I must give her props for being consistent with her statement that she doesn't want to be the other woman. Why don't you respect that, I wonder? If you're so sure her feelings for you are genuine, why don't you appreciate them? Cherish them? Instead, you're treating this girl as a part-time hobby, a distraction you think you might spend more time on later, if you feel like it.

I think you're a narcissistic asshole, LewisFisher. If the girl you're toying with were my sister, you'd be wise to watch your back.

IndiReloaded · #11 (**permalink**) 07-04-08, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

You don't ease gently into a divorce. You work on your marriage until it's clear that it's over, and then you end it with as much respect and consideration as you can muster for your spouse.

+1.

You have a consistency problem w/your story, OP. Something feels wrong about your claims to greatness vs. what actually is.

I don't suppose you'd ask your wife to post HER side of things, hmm?

Didn't think so.

IndiReloaded · #12 (**permalink**) 08-04-08, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LewisFisher

Life isnt mine i am slave to others who control my destiny,
I am an imperfect being in an imperfect world.

Ya, whatever dude. Boo hoo.

There are LOTS of other 'imperfect beings' in this imperfect world who don't use that as an excuse to do what you've been doing.