it wasn't technical cheating, but should i be leaving?

[veinteuno]

my girlfriend and i have been together for a 2.5 years. last january, someone had forwarded me flirtatious emails that were going on between her, and a friend of hers. to sum it up, the emails that were being back and forth:
a) denied she was sleeping with anyone regularly, when she was
b) included dialogue where the guy asked if she thought they should sleep together, and she said yes
c) she stated that she wasn't sure if she could just be friend with him anymore

when i approached her about the emails, she originally denied that the emails that were forwarded were dated correctly. i knew it wasn't true so, i basically pushed the issue, and made her log into her email to prove that the dates were right. she finally owned up to it, but, i'm not sure where i go from here. the back and forth emails spanned three months. it looks like it was just email flirting, because the sleep together suggestion is thrown out in october, and when i received the messages in january, it's still just back and forth flirting, and suggesting they hang out.

my problem with this is that the guy she was flirting with is her daughter's best friend's dad. now, she has said that they don't communicate anymore. the daughters are 13, and organize hanging out/sleepovers on their own. insecurity/jealousy has gotten the best of me, and i have checked her cell phone on various different occasions, and i have never seen his phone number dialed.

i know that this is a gray area. and maybe i'm being a sucker, and should be looking at this situation and assuming the worst about her. but, we have such a good thing. it feels like such a healthy relationship that has only gotten stronger as we have stayed together longer. to her defense, our relationship was more casual, and gradually picked up intensity over time. i was dealing with my divorce, and during this period i would go days, and sometimes even a week or more, before returning her phone calls, or seeing her. i know that doesn't excuse her but, i do believe that those that neglect their significant can open the door to possible cheating. since this incident, i feel like i've trusted her overall. but, i can't help but sometimes wonder if she still talks to this guy, and sometimes i feel like i can't trust her. i don't bring up the incident a lot, but the 3 times it has came up, she seems remorseful. i see tears in her eyes as she apologizes for hurting me, and it seems genuine but, bottom line is, i don't know.

so, i'm looking for some female perspective on this. sorry for the book. i can sometimes be a little TOO detail oriented.

[vashti]

I can certainly understand your insecurity, and all I can say is that you have to decide whether or not you will make a conscious decision to trust her. If you decide you will, you must stop bringing this up, and take the time for healing to occur. (It WILL take some time - trust (once broken) is hard to rebuild.)

If you don't think you can let it go, you've got to break off with her.

If you are wondering if as a woman, I think it is possible she is sorry, then yes, it is possible. I don't know for sure, though, because I don't know her character. How well do YOU know her character? Do you think she is trustworthy?

[bohemiandonut]

What a bitch.

^
Man's opinion.

[veinteuno]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

If you are wondering if as a woman, I think it is possible she is sorry, then yes, it is possible. I don't know for sure, though, because I don't know her character. How well do YOU know her character? Do you think she is trustworthy?

i feel like we both know each other's character really well. i feel like she is trustworthy. an old friend of hers (male) sent her a college graduation invite. now, technically, i don't know whether or not she was ever involved with this guy but, when she told me about the invite, she asked me if i wanted to come with her. she doesn't have unaccounted for time. the more time we have spent together, the more we feel like soulmates (and being 30, i appreciate more what that word means). we know each other really well. the incident happened january 2007, and since then, it feels like our relationship has taken off in a better direction. from time to time though, i just question whether i really made an intelligent decision, or if my judgement was clouded with my emotions.

[vashti]

Then yes, I think it is possibe for people to experience occassional bouts of poor judgement and then be remorseful and learn from their mistake, especially when it is not characteristic for them to behave this way. Just be careful.

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veinteuno

i feel like we both know each other's character really well. i feel like she is trustworthy.

How long have you two been together? What was your relationship status when the flirting was going on? You said that you find her trsutworthy, but do you trust her? Do you trust that she will never do this again? If yes, then forget this entire incident, forgive her and move on. If you have doubts about trusting her after this, if even a tiny part of you is curious if she will ever do this again then you will have to explore this a little bit further within yourself. Because if you won't find it in yourself to trust her, you will light a long fuse and beginning of the end will ensue.

[Illusional]

being on the outside point of view, i was in your case, the best friend's father.

i personally would jump at the chance to sleep with your girl..sorry, but it's the truth.

however, if she doesn't talk to me anymore, then i was assume that things were over and she got caught or what not. also being that she is still with you, (in my eyes, would make me desire her more) however, the truth is that she has made her decision to stay with you.

raverboy

[veinteuno]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mishanya

How long have you two been together? What was your relationship status when the flirting was going on? You said that you find her trsutworthy, but do you trust her? Do you trust that she will never do this again? If yes, then forget this entire incident, forgive her and move on. If you have doubts about trusting her after this, if even a tiny part of you is curious if she will ever do this again then you will have to explore this a little bit further within yourself. Because if you won't find it in yourself to trust her, you will light a long fuse and beginning of the end will ensue.

i was in a relationship when i met my girl. that relationship ended a few months after we got involved. it wasn't a "leave one girl for another" scenario. honestly. but my girl did know i was involved when we met. after i ended my relationship, things were really up in the air for me. i was thinking of moving out of state. though i enjoyed spending time with my girl, it wasn't a situation where we were head over heels in love with each other. we just enjoyed each others company. she understood why i was thinking of moving. at the time she started flirting with this guy, things were still up in the air for me but, me and her had gotten closer. close enough that we used the L-word but, it still wasn't like, relationship relationship. then came the anonymous discovery (someone had forwarded the email from my girl's address, to mine. her job had previously addressed her excessive emailing to me. they even had printed out the emails she was sending, even though it was from a yahoo address. part of me thinks that someone there did it, in hopes of putting an end to the excessive emailing). when that happened, i cut things off with her, because i just thought it was messed up. we spoke very infrequently for a couple months. i would get apologetic phone calls, but, by and large, we didn't talk. we we did start speaking and seeing each other again, we got even closer, and shortly thereafter, it felt more like we were trying to make an actual relationship work. instead of introducing each other as friends, we would introduce each other as boy/girl friends, and stuff like that.

[veinteuno]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illusional

being on the outside point of view, i was in your case, the best friend's father.

i personally would jump at the chance to sleep with your girl..sorry, but it's the truth.

however, if she doesn't talk to me anymore, then i was assume that things were over and she got caught or what not. also being that she is still with you, (in my eyes, would make me desire her more) however, the truth is that she has made her decision to stay with you.

raverboy

out of curiousity, from that perspective, why do you say you would jump at the chance to sleep with her? i mean, if he's under the impression she isn't sleeping with anyone, what's that added allure?

"in my eyes, would make me desire her more" see, that's how i look at it. i have seen/met the guy twice, after this all went down. once, we bumped into him randomly out in public, at a bookstore. she introduced us. afterward, she said that she knew that that would happen at some point, because we all live in the same general area. technically, we probably shop at the same grocery store, video store, area restaurants, etc. so, she said she knew it would eventually happen. it inevitably brought on a conversation about the incident. i asked her what had happened after the fact. she said she told him that they couldn't continue being friends. he said he understood, and didn't want to cause any problems for her.
but, i don't know how much i believe that, because i would think that, especially after meeting me, it may make it more intriguing for him to try and achieve this conquest.

the 2nd time i saw him was when he was dropping off his kid at her place. we were going out, and taking her daughter and his daughter bowling with us.

her daughter and his daughter don't see each other much, and the only time that his daughter has been at her house was that time i was there (since this incident occured). but, they will be going to the same school next year so, that may change. and granted, they are old enough that they communicate on their own, but, inevitably, my girl and this guy will see each other again, because their kids are close.

[veinteuno]

fyi, there was a sentence in their back and forth emails where he said that they he didn't mean to be getting into her head but, the reality is that they have traveled this road before, and this is what happens. i interpret that as meaning that they have flirted with the idea of getting together before (their kids have been friends for 5 years), but for whatever reason, it hasn't happened.

[Illusional]

because... any single man likes to steal from the other man. it's like taking money that isn't yours. i'm a baaaaaaaaaaaad boy.

raverboy

[veinteuno]

yeah, i hear you on that. i certainly have been the "third party" enough that some may say that this predicament can/could be tied to karma.

[IndiReloaded]

Flirts can be harmless, depending on the context. The red flags are when her behaviour is different around you when he's present.

The fact she lied about the msgs is a concern. When someone acts like they are hiding something, that's a red flag of the sort I mentioned.

Something seems wrong about the situation, tho. Is the guy married (sorry if you said).

[veinteuno]

i didn't mention it but no, he's not married. divorced.

[Illusional]

even more so, he's divorced. he understand what it's like to go though a marriage and not have it work. with that on his side, he's probably looking to comfort her in more ways than one.

raverboy