How easily hurt do you guys get....?

[shygal]

As most of you probably read, I'm the excessively shy girl who ran away from a guy she actually liked....my question is: when you get 'rejected', how hurt do you get? I know it's a dumb question, obviously guys also get hurt just as girls do, but what if you're a rather shy, reserved type of guy?

This guy who I liked, started approaching me and tried to get closer but each time I backed off. Now I'm over the 'What if I wasn't so shy' phase because I figure, I can't do anything about the past and I can't change my character. But now I'm worried this guy's hurt or upset that I've been cold, distant and avoidant. Any feedback would be great!

[Rob26]

I don't think that's there one answer for all guys -- even all shy guys. Sometimes we exclude honesty as a possible action because it seems too, I don't know -- lame? But I think it's the answer here. Have a talk with him and explain why you acted the way you did and tell him you wanted to clear the air about it. I think that will improve things.

[joe1234]

^I second that

[HeyYouGuy]

^
I third that

and give rob rep.

[vashti]

This guy who I liked, started approaching me and tried to get closer but each time I backed off. Now I'm over the 'What if I wasn't so shy' phase because I figure, I can't do anything about the past and I can't change my character. But now I'm worried this guy's hurt or upset that I've been cold, distant and avoidant. Any feedback would be great!

You can't change the past, but you had BETTER work on your character. You can't expect people to take it well when you have been (in your words) cold, distant and avoidant. What I am going to say is going to sound very harsh, so brace yourself.

This is the thing about being excessively shy: it is really a form of selfishness, meaning you are so consumed with how YOU are feeling, you have no room to consider anyone else's comfort level. I don't mean this in a judgemental sense, but rather as a description. Almost everyone is shy to some extent, and you can't continue to use that as an excuse for being self-absorbed.

I think you should make an effort to connect to other people while forcing thoughts about your own discomfort out of the way. Try to act the part of a person who is hosting an important guest, where their comfort is your priority. It will become more natural with practice, and believe me, you will be a happier person for making the effort. You don't want to spend your life in isolation, do you?

[King Zarathu]

Wasn't harsh at all in my opinion, nicely put.

[courious]

Ya, have a talk. Try to get over your shyness. I'm a guy and was exactly the same way towards women at one point in my life until I finally made myself do thing I was shy about. Who's to judge? If it works--great. If it turns bad and you get embarressed, who cares, you never have to see that person again.ALSO I have been on the receving end of what you are saying, and it was very dissapointing.

[shygal]

I know that talking it out with the guy as most of you suggested would be best but.....even if we've never talked, except for the occasional hey? I mean, after months of avoidance, would it be normal to just go up to him and suddenly say 'I'm sorry if I hurt you'. He might even not know what I'm talking about...but I guess that's the whole issue here, I don't know how he's feeling. It might actually be that he couldn't care less but from the way he'd try to get near me and I kept avoiding him, I can't help feeling that I acted like a b*itch. And I know how it's like to get hurt.

Vashti,
I know. I'm trying to change my character but I think some things can't really be changed. It's not like I'm completely shy to everyone....I just avoid people who I don't really know and don't trust. I avoided this guy because I was scared. Maybe scared of getting hurt, but thats because I don't have a very strong self esteem. What you said is true; I tend to get caught up in my own head and obsess about how I'm feeling, but on the other hand I also obsess about what others think of me, so I don't think I'm being selfish or self-absorbed. On the contrary I worry too much aboutothers ...I've met and continue to meet so many people that disappoint me or hurt me that it leads me to being avoidant. Why should I continue risking getting hurt or disappointed? However, I am trying to open up a little more and lighten up. It's just that I realize I'm not comfortable with other people because I'm not fully comfortable with myself....do you see where I'm coming from? How could I have approached this guy when I have so many mental things going on in my head, u know what I mean?

[vashti]

Vashti,
I know. I'm trying to change my character but I think some things can't really be changed. It's not like I'm completely shy to everyone....I just avoid people who I don't really know and don't trust. I avoided this guy because I was scared. Maybe scared of getting hurt, but thats because I don't have a very strong self esteem. What you said is true; I tend to get caught up in my own head and obsess about how I'm feeling, but on the other hand I also obsess about what others think of me, so I don't think I'm being selfish or self-absorbed. On the contrary I worry too much aboutothers ...I've met and continue to meet so many people that disappoint me or hurt me that it leads me to being avoidant. Why should I continue risking getting hurt or disappointed? However, I am trying to open up a little more and lighten up. It's just that I realize I'm not comfortable with other people because I'm not fully comfortable with myself....do you see where I'm coming from? How could I have approached this guy when I have so many mental things going on in my head, u know what I mean?

If you look back on the bold face type in this paragraph, you will see how preoccupied you are with the self. You mentioned yourself (in some form) 34 times in a single paragraph. Being self-reflective is one thing, but it can be taken to extremes. Listen, I don't tell you this with negative judgement attached. ALL of us do this, and I think our culture reinforces it, but that doesn't make it healthy or productive.

Also, if you've never really spoken to this guy, I doubt he is "hurt" that you haven't spoken to him. At most, he might be a bit confused if you are sending him longing glances and then refuse to talk to him.

Just go up to this guy and tell him you've been wanting to talk to him for months and have decided to quit allowing shyness to rule your life, and then immediately ask him something about himself. You might start by finding out if he has a girlfriend, and finding out what his hobbies are.

[Dalagonash]

A machete hurts a lot, if the cut is deep.

[Illusional]

getting hurt differs from person to person. it's how well or bad one takes rejection. i'm the type of person that tries not to let the little things in life bother me. rejection sucks, but i'll live.

raverboy

[Gigabitch]

Shygal, there are workshops for these kind of problems. I know some guys get really tired of doing all the work, and they start to see someone who gives no feedback as being lazy.

So, Tall Guy is gone anyway, right? Maybe you could find someone new to crush on and do it right this time. A new guy is a clean slate- you're not obliged to continue on doing the same nutsy stuff forever, you know. It's your life- you can change it.

[Whizza]

Guys are all different, as are girls. I am not stereotypically shy; I was always the lead roles in plays at school, I can project myself well, I can talk confidently in groups of people....but one to one in an awkward situation and the shyness gets the better of me. One to one with an attractive girl and I spend the whole time worrying that I'm saying the right things. One to one with the girl I fancy and I go soft in the head.

As a shy guy in that respect I can safely say that a girl backing off when I make a move makes me feel like ****. If the girl is shy herself but does does those little things that let you know that she knows you're there then that's very frustrating. I'm not the kind of guy to move on in a flash and so I'm basically just talking continuous heartache. The situation you're describing sounds very like something that's happening to me right now. All I can say is that if the girl I like came up and apologised to me then I would slap her for being so stupid and we would probably be dating by the evening.

[DXX]

personally, this girl really hurt me. What happened was, I liked her when I saw her in first time in university, and wanted to talk to her, but everytime she wouldn't look at me, however, sit near me at the lecture. Since she was ignoring me and at the same time hanging around me I got really emotional about her and I couldn't get her out of my mind. Also, I became really intimidated by her. Once she even sat next to me and than left really fast. When I tried not to think about her she started to try to get my attention, but when I would come to her and try to talk she would leave. This was going on for years and I went through really severe anxiety attacks, depression and some stuff I don't even want to talk about, and now decided to leave the country, at least for a while. So, yeah, girls can really hurt some guys.

[blacksun]

If a girl backs off enough times ususaly 3 is the magic # I call it quits. It can get real anoying tho when she gives you the sign that she tells you she wants to hang out and tells you to call her then she ignores your phonecalls. I dont think it really hirts its just anoying. That being said if she came clean about it I would probably give her another chance, but if it happend again then f- that and f- her, theres only so much shit a guy can take.