need a mans opinion

[mindsecho]

This is driving me crazy so i have to elaborate on his little "abused" statement...
It was another night where his friends came before me again, after i had asked for 3 weekends in a row to get out together...(i'm good to have sex with but not to take out anywhere..thats what friends are for) so i was pissed,i had a bad day, just found out my step father had terminal cancer..i really needed to get out...so wheni went over there to tell him to basicly take a hike, he said and i quote " just go back home to your dying father" ...so yes as you guess he got a slap in the face before i left...it was COLD AND CALLUS..and this from someone that claims to love me???? mhmmm i'm feeling the love alright...so sorry, he had the slap coming, its far from ABUSE everyone said "you only slapped him?" There were alot of friends that wanted to do more than slap him at that point.

[vashti]

I'm starting to think this thread is bogus.

[mindsecho]

Wish it was

[bohemiandonut]

You two need to not see each other for some time.

I'm starting to feel for That Guy because at least he can remain calm when POSTING ON AN ONLINE FORUM.

Mindscho, your hostility is actually seeping through my monitor at this point and making me uncomfortable. I understand that you're upset but grown-ups are supposed to know how to communicate with words not flashes of emotional heat. There is simply no choice but at this point to take a vacation away from each other and cool down.

This does not have to be an angry climax in your lives, so I suggest you plan a date a week from now to talk and discuss what is best for the innocent part of your unstable triangle (the kid.) Perhaps at that point you will both have a better idea of what is not working in your relationship and how to go about solving it.

[vashti]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bohemiandonut

You two need to not see each other for some time.

I'm starting to feel for That Guy because at least he can remain calm when POSTING ON AN ONLINE FORUM.

Mindscho, your hostility is actually seeping through my monitor at this point and making me uncomfortable. .

Yeah, it seems over the top. This is why I wonder whether it's for real.

[Gigabitch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by that guy

as far as counseling goes....i beleive she does need some and i am willing to support her and participate as much as i can.

Looking at the relationship you've described, you BOTH need counseling. Quit ****ing pointing at each other. You both suck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mindsecho

All i can say is *cough* *bullshit*
If it makes ya feel better, how about the cheating the last 4 years...and screwing the town whore...

Well then maybe you should have left four years ago. If you had anywhere near the respect for yourself you are so loudly demanding from him, you would have.

I want to sterilize you both. What a couple of assholes. Perfect couple.

[mindsecho]

I guess you have to be in the situation to understand fully why there is such anger and frustration. When you talk and talk and talk until you are blue in the face and love someone and do everything in your power to make them happy and they claim they love you and refuse to make any kind of effort claiming this is them...but you know its not because you know that person too well...you would understand....we will see what happens, he is actually doing better since reading these posts....who knows what will happen...good luck to all.

[Mishanya]

It's posible to love somebody and yet do little to show it. Especially after years of being together if relationship starts to stagnate with routine. It still doesn't excuse some of his comments like the one about your father.

But I think this is less about finding out who is right and who is wrong and more about finding a way to make the relationship work in my opinion.

[IndiReloaded]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

If my kid's family was about to fall apart, I think even *I* would be willing to see a priest for counseling before I took the jump. What harm could it cause? You can still be mad afterwards if you want.

I think he may be right about your anger issues.

A bad counsellor can actually speed the end of a failed relationship.

I agree w/GrkS earlier post. If you've both given up, then end things as quickly & cleanly as you can.

If you DO love each other, tho, & want to make things work then find a GOOD counsellor and see if there's hope. Ask your doctor for a referral.

Try to avoid blame, btw. By this time, its definitely NOT going to be anyone person's fault. His neglect, your anger, whatever. Nothing happens in a vacuum. And don't expect 8 years of anger & resentment to dissolve in a single counselling session. It takes time. And you will need to both be committed to putting in that time, so if there's any chance either of you are past the point of no return, end it & move on.

Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mindsecho

I guess you have to be in the situation to understand fully why there is such anger and frustration. When you talk and talk and talk until you are blue in the face and love someone and do everything in your power to make them happy and they claim they love you and refuse to make any kind of effort claiming this is them...but you know its not because you know that person too well...

There are several longtime married/LTR people posting in this thread who know EXACTLY what you are saying.

Its irrelevant. That's the end point. You are focussed on what WAS & have gotten into a rut of negativity. You need to focus on what you need to be doing to make things better. Nagging never does anything except make someone resent you. A good relationship counsellor can help you w/this.

If you talk, talk, talk & its not getting you what you want, do you think that more talk is going to work? Try something else. Mbe talking LESS but saying MORE?

[IndiReloaded]

Quote:

Originally Posted by that guy

i am no angle and i take blame where i have fault in what has happened between us through out the years of being together. after all it took two to make it this far. honestly i have tried to comunnicate my wants, needs, values and morals that i feel are important to me in a relationship. i cant make her like them or listen to what i have to say.

I'm impressed you care enough to read all your SO's posts & post a reply.

Mindsecho, you should realize this^. The fact that he took the effort is a huge sign he cares.

You two are at cross purposes. I sense a huge amount of frustration & miscommunication but sense you still care a great deal for each other.

Please both of you, but esp 'thatguy' have a read of this site. It may help you until you find someone more local. Scroll down to the section on Marriage & Relationships.

http://www.denisboyd.com/psychealth/

For 'Thatguy' I'd like if you could please read this one specifically:

http://www.denisboyd.com/marriage-re...e-up-guys.html

- Indigo

[vashti]

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

A bad counsellor can actually speed the end of a failed relationship.

And that would be a bad thing?

[IndiReloaded]

But they don't need to waste time on a counsellor then. And there is a child to consider, on a more serious note.

[vashti]

My point was that considering how angry she is, a counselor of any type won't hurt. A good one might help them patch things up, and a bad one might accelerate the slow death. Obviously, considering the child, I would rather see them fix things, but her level of anger and bitterness can't be good for the kid either. Resolution of one kind or another would be best.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes. A counsellor would let her begin to vent her anger in a productive, safe way to someone who won't take direct offense & will actually listen. Feelings need discharge before thinking & processing can happen. Its that old saying: when feelings go up, intellect goes down.

Even psychologists can't be their own marriage counsellors a la Dr. Phil (can you imagine arguments in that household? LOL), so how could mere mortals expect to hold their temper when mutually ragging each other?