What the hell is going on with this guy and me?!

[sunmoonstars]

First off, I want to know what happened to you in your past that has you emotionally screwed up enough to be seriously interested in Poly. I don't think I've ever met any poly person that didn't have some huge trauma in their past and therefore trust issues, or some sort of severe chemical imbalance/depression issue.

Pretty much Poly is nice on paper, but what people really use it for is to keep from having to place all of their trust in one person to help hold up their relationship. That if they dine a little here, and a little there (emotional grazing) that no one person will get enough face time with them to realize how screwed up and difficult to date they really are up front before there is a huge emotional involvement.

But, those people tend to be just as screwed up too, so it's this gigantic circle of ****ed up drama, social incest, and backstabbing in the end.

Now that I've said that...

He said he wanted a relationship with you, you said you couldn't be monogamous. Things fell apart, were put back together, you slept together, developed feelings. You decided you could "settle" with being monogamous, he feels he can't necessarily trust you to remain that way... Oh, and then there's the part where he really has feelings for you now, has just broken up with his ex, and doesn't really want you to end up being his rebound relationship.

So, does that answer your question?

As for you having the power... You're the woman, you always have the power. Women are pretty much the deciding gender when it comes to getting laid. They truly can go out and find someone to sleep with them at any time. Men? Not so much... And women outnumber men by 2 percent on the planet.

His comment wasn't nice, or respectful. Likely he felt insulted that you didn't want to sleep with him, and he retaliated verbally. Which, to be rather frank... is normal.

How did my wife so painfully word this to me years ago when I made an unwanted pass at her after we had broken up... "Women have often remarked that once you cross the line and boff a boy, it's very difficult to get him to not try and cross that line again. That he continue to do so is not only inadvisable, but unwelcome."

Granted, years later we're now married, but the point is still a very valid one.

Thanks for your advice, but I'm a little insulted that you think I must be "emotionally screwed up." But I'll let that slide. First off when I was into polyamory I was 18, 19, 20. It had nothing to do with trust issues, it had to do with me feeling boxed in.

The relationships in my teen years gave me very little space and I felt like I lost my identity. My past boyfriends were a bit controlling, and to be honest I wasn't really in love with them. I suppose I thought I was because at the time those were the strongest feelings I had ever had for a guy. Then I met this current guy and I'm feeling this love I've never felt before. So, if someone is not very much in love with their significant other, but it's all they know so they think it is the best it can get, I can understand why that person would become bored and seek companionship elsewhere. But with this guy it's different. I can't stand the thought of us not being together, I hardly look at other guys anymore and I have no desire at all to date anyone else.

Also don't know if this matters but she was never his girlfriend. They only dated for a short while.

[Bumble_bee]

You guys clearly care for eacho ther, and getting lost in games, and the FWB situation might mess things up, if there is a chance it could work out. If you guys are friends then how about sitting down together, have a proper talk about things and see where it goes, if you feel comfortable enough to give yourself to him, why not ask him what he wants from you, and tell him what you want from him.

Don't make things more complicated than they should be.

btw, why the hell should you not say 'no' to sex until he figures out if he wants the same as you???...you do not owe him sex, and do not be dragged down by some sort of guilt about letting him down previously, that was where you were at before.

[honeyb]

What a mess,but I have to say it's kinda your own fault. You shouldn't have told him anything about your open relationship or your past and all the drama put him off and probably changed his views on dating.You're o.k for a fling but not girlfriend material in his eyes. Ignore how his acting and listen to what his saying,.

My advice to you is run as far away as possible, because your the only one that will get hurt. He'll find a girlfriend soon and tell you that it's just different with her or some other rubbish line.
Go out with your girlfriends ,rent his just not that in to you or whatever you need to get away from him.

[geminigirl1234]

I have been in a sort of similar situation to this.
The truth is (this is coming from a really awsome book called WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES)- Men committ and fall in love with women who they cant control. In other words, if he knows he can have you without any comittment (with the benefits of sex, spending time with you, etc), he will try and keep that situation for as long as he can (this is why men are wired). You have to show him (through distancing yourself) that you dont really NEED him. Make him chase you. Once you knows he cant have you whenever he wants you, thats when he will start looking at things more seriosuly with you (because you are respecting yourself and wont settle for less).

The man should know that you are a high quality girl that will not settle for less (sex and cuddling, etc but no commitment)

A man can care about you, but that doesnt mean he will commit to you. In order for a man to committ to you, he has to know that he cant have you whenever he wants, that you are the one with the "emotional control" in the relationship. I.E. he is the one that should be asking you for something more, and you should decide whether that is something good for YOU or not.

Hope that helps!