What the hell is going on with this guy and me?!

[sunmoonstars]

Hey guys,

I'm really confused as to what's going on between me and this guy friend of mine. Let me tell you the whole story:

We met at our college last August. We got along really well, could always make each other laugh and generally really enjoyed each other's company. By November I could tell he had developed a pretty big crush on me. It was obvious because he would ask me things on instant messenger like, "So what qualities attract you to a guy? So when you like a guy do you make the first move? What would a guy have to do to get you to like him?" etc. I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend, but I didn't say anything. One day he and I were hanging out at school and I was playing him a song on my guitar. He pulled his chair so that his face was really uncomfortably close to mine. I said, "Whoa, you're so close I feel like I'm gonna spit on you," and he backed off. Well, later that night I went on AOL instant messenger and saw that he had put up an away message. Without messaging him I read his away message, it said, in quotes, "'You're so close I feel like I'm gonna spit on you.'" I figured I had really gotten to him, and my suspicions were confirmed when I saw his Facebook status was updated to say, "[His name] is nothing." I said nothing to him, pretended not to see any of this stuff.

Well, we started hanging out more and more. Some weeks passed and I noticed I would get really excited when I knew I was going to see him. I also started really opening up to him at this point; I felt so comfortable with him. One day at school he gave me a massage. When he touched me I found I had a sexual attraction to him. A week or so later I slept over his house for the first time, in his bed. We ended up cuddling and eventually making out, but we did not have sex or touch each other below the belt. The day after I stayed with him and went with him to run errands in his town, and I noticed he was treating me like a girlfriend, calling me sweetie and holding my hand. As he was driving me home I got a little scared. I said, "Hey, you know we're not like, together or anything, right?" and he said, "Yeah. We'll just play this by ear and see how this goes."

A week or so later he started bringing up the coming relationship. At the time, I was in my non-commital phase. I very much believed I was polyamorous, and maybe at the time I really was. I told him I could not do a monogamous relationship, that I did not believe in limiting myself to one person. I suggested an open relationship where we could not only have sex with other people but have actual relationships with other people. He said he would think about it.

As the weeks passed I noticed he was becoming very distant from me and making less of an effort to see me. Finally one night he called me and he said something about relationships. I mentioned how I could never be in a relationship unless it was open. He said he could not do that. I got really pissed and said, "Maybe we should just stop this whole thing then." And he said, "Yes, let's stop." Really calmly and matter-of-factly as if he was not disappointed at all. He then went on to tell me it was just as well since I lacked the "qualities he looks for in a significant other" anyway. Like, I'm not as independent as he is or as mature as he is. I got really upset, started crying and told him I had to go.

A few minutes later I texted him and said, "I understand if you don't want an open relationship, but you didn't have to insult me." He texted me back and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you. I've been hung up more on the open relationship thing."

A couple days later I saw him in school. I ignored him and walked away. He followed me and said, "Look, I genuinely want to be your friend. I still think you're just as amazing a person as I always thought." I was still in shock, and now I was even more shocked that his face and his behavior showed no signs of disappointment. We agreed we could continue to be friends. He said though that he could not longer make out with me or be physically close to me since it wouldn't mean anything.

Well, weeks passed and we continued to be good friends. We still talked about relationships in general on the phone. One day I was talking about polyamory and he said, "Why do you want that? Can't you see that to really love a person monogamy is the only way?!" What struck me was that he raised his voice a little and was suddenly very passionate in his speech. He was obviously very set in changing my mind. And I thought, he must still have feelings for me if he cares so much about this.

A few more weeks and I was having an emotional crisis and a lot of self-esteem issues. Our closeness as friends has been growing continually since we met, so by this time we were really quite close and confided much in each other. He sat with me during breaks at school for countless hours, being a crying shoulder and discussing my problems with me and how I could solve them. Looking back, I don't know what I would have done without his support.

A couple weeks later I started feeling better, but something surprising happened. We started flirting with each other again, and that flirting quickly turned into provocative text messages and looks in the hall. One night I had the house to myself and invited him to sleep over. We started making out and undressing each other, but we didn't have sex because I had my period. I am sure, though, that we would have had sex had I not. Still, it was very hot, steamy and passionate.

A week or so later I slept over his house and we had sex for the first time. It was amazing. Another thing was happening now too. I noticed my feelings about relationships were changing. I was so wild about this guy at this point that I didn't care if I couldn't see anybody else. In fact I had no desire at all to see anybody else. After seeing how supportive he was during my emotional crisis, after growing more and more attached to him both emotionally and sexually, I felt in my heart I wanted to be with him and only him.

One evening we took a short drive together and he told me he broke it off with this girl he had been casually dating. I was surprised because I didn't even know he was dating anyone. He said, "Yeah, I just wasn't feeling it anymore. And really I'm so busy right now I don't want to date anyone." I interpreted this as he broke it off with her because he had feelings for me. I didn't think he was serious about not wanting to date anyone at all. I thought he didn't want to date anyone who wasn't ME. But I felt differently now. I figured if I just told him I would be monogamous with him he would agree to be with me.

One night we were at school late. As he was walking me back to my car, he asked me, "What are we?"

There was a pause. "I..." I started. Then I got up my courage. "I think... I love you?"

The look on his face. He was shocked! He even said, "Whoa, I really wasn't expecting that."

I continued, "I just know I feel so much better when you're here, and I get really restless when you're not around. I don't want to see anybody else. I just wanna be with you." It was the absolute truth.

After a minute of him looking around with his hands in his pockets, he started to speak. "I care about you so much," he said. "And I know it hurts. I know it hurts to care about someone when they don't want what you want... This is really hard for me, because I care about you somuch and I don't want to hurt you. But, like I told you, I don't want a girlfriend right now."

I was shocked. This was not the answer I was expecting. I felt my heart sink and I cried in front of him. He stayed with me for a while and when I had calmed down I said, "I don't understand. I thought months ago you were devastated that I didn't wanna be your girlfriend." And he said, "Well, I was thinking about it and assessing our situation then." What the ****?

He also said he didn't think we should have sex anymore, "for the sake of my feelings." He told me to give it at least one week.

Well a week passed and I told him I still wanted to have sex with him. I told him I totally respect that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. He said his life at school was so busy and structured that he had to have dating be the fun, loose part. Just a few months ago he had seemed pretty fixed on getting a serious relationship into his life.

Well, he and I are in an odd place right now. I mean we agreed we would keep having sex, but we have not been in any of the right places at the right time for that to happen. Last week I slept over his house and he got really cuddly and snuggly with me. He was really sweet, gentle, almost baby talked. He didn't try to initiate sex but he also knew I had my period. He wanted to spend the whole day in bed with me just snuggling and holding me, until finally I insisted we go out and do something.

He also tells me things like he's not as close with most people, including his friends, as he is with me.

Also he has mentioned several times that he isn't dating anyone right now, he has no desire to and he thinks "women are crazy." Plus he doesn't think he has the "time" for a girlfriend.

If you read all that, I am truly grateful. If you could help me I'd be even more grateful. Here are some questions I keep asking myself over and over:

Why, after all that happened, was he not thrilled to finally hear that I was in love with him? Did I scare him off?

Do you think he really doesn't want a girlfriend in his life right now, or is it just me?

Should I continue having sex with him? Would he be more likely to pursue me as his girlfriend again if I denied sex?

Do you think he still has feelings for me? Should I keep pursuing him? I'm very much in love with him and I really think he cares about me too. I'm just not sure if he still cares about me in a more-than-friends way.

[JohnnyGileaid]

Wow, that was a very interesting story. Normally I would try my best to give you some insight, but as a guy, I just cannot relate at all to your description of him. I have never heard of a guy acting like that, me or otherwise.

I feel like I am missing something, because his actions seem completely erratic and random. The quotes of things he said to you that you posted make absolutely no sense, like they are wholly out of context. I can think of no rational reason why he would act as you portrayed him.

I'm sorry. Best of luck.

[Doc Durian]

Wow, that was a very interesting story. Normally I would try my best to give you some insight, but as a guy, I just cannot relate at all to your description of him. I have never heard of a guy acting like that, me or otherwise.

I feel like I am missing something, because his actions seem completely erratic and random. The quotes of things he said to you that you posted make absolutely no sense, like they are wholly out of context. I can think of no rational reason why he would act as you portrayed him.

I'm sorry. Best of luck.

Sounds like, to me, she broke his heart.... and when he was finally happy with the outcome.... his heart and mind, prior influenced by each other, and the dejection of a loose relationship is up in arms when he never wanted it to begin with.

He's running to her, and running away from her scared.

If I was the fellow, I'd be asking myself....between the numerous bouts of lust, affection, want, and need.... why I was even there if the girl didn't click with monogamy but was wanting/needing it.

He might just be confused and insecure on where he stands with her.

[IndiReloaded]

I wouldn't sleep with him. I probably wouldn't be his friend either, but that will depend on your maturity level. The fact you are asking, tho, suggests to me you shouldn't even try.

I think he's been very upfront with you. Guys tend to be. He's told you clearly he doesn't want a GF.

Your sleeping with him (FWB, its called) always ends with the girl getting her heart broken. You are hoping the sex will cause him to attach to you & that's a losing horse to bet on, doll. Guys aren't wired like women, they can have sex w/o emotional attachment.

Still, you're a big girl & able to make her own choices. Worse thing is you break it off now w/a broken heart. Or the same later, but possibly worse b/c you got attached. But either way, he's made his position clear. Try not to blame him too much when you get hurt later. You made your choice w/eyes wide open.

[Yggdrasil]

Ok, there's a few pointers in your story that may shed some light on all of this.

He broke up with is g/f, he then sort of hangs out with you, has sex once, and cuddles in bed with you all night, being what you call 'really sweet'.

So this is my guess: he's seriously hurt by the breakup with his g/f and he's using you to get over that.

He also doesn't want to be hurt again right now.

Best thing you can do is be a friend, but nothing more. I definitely wouldn't encourage the sex part, frankly, I'd encourage him to be by himself for a while so he can cope with his breakup.

[sunmoonstars]

I don't think he was hurt by that girl. He only saw her for a short while, and he and I continued to be good friends since the first time we got close. It's not like he stopped being a close friend to me and then suddenly got interested in spending time with me AFTER he broke it off with that girl. He never only "sort of hung out with me."

[sunmoonstars]

Actually I remember now that he said he couldn't handle her because she was looking for someone to get married and have kids with, and he wasn't near ready for that.

[IndiReloaded]

You are thinking too much about this other girl, and what HE wants.

What do YOU want, Sunmoonstars?

[damn2008]

It's the whole open relationship thing...Like you said, he wants an exclusive one and despite all the feelings involved, you essentially said this:

"I want us to do everything a relationship involves, but you can't trust me to have sex (and the rest of that stuff) only with you."

Because he is looking to be exclusive with someone, you essentially said you are untrustworthy and that he would be wasting his time, feelings, and yes...even his money on you because he wants something different.

If you want an "open relationship" in college...then don't get involved with anyone. Go to parties, meet guys, and have sex with whoever you want...just try to disconnect the feelings because guys who want an exclusive relationship won't waste all the romance, money and other stuff with you if that is what you want.

Find another guy who wants an open relationship.

[sunmoonstars]

Well as far as money goes, he still pays for me when we go out. He pays for my meals and movie tickets. I'm not sure if that's because he has a thing for me or if it's just chivalry.

I think you misinterpreted something I said towards the end. I truly don't desire an open relationship anymore. I honestly want to be with only him. And even though I did want only open relationships in the past, why is it so difficult for him to believe I changed my mind? People do change.

[ed604]

What an amazing story! Considering everything you have told us, it seems like when he was dating this other girl, YOU were the better girl which is probably true and he probably truly and honestly wanted to be with you. However, since you both had sex, it kinda seems like he's just enjoying the privileges of the sex, the cuddling, etc. The bottom line is he has the upper hand on you and I get the feeling he is just "playing around with you" now. Just be careful. His feelings about you before you had sex, seem pretty genuine and you know those same feelings still might be genuine now. Just be aware of the two options you have here.

[Yggdrasil]

Suggestion: why don't you break the relation off and see what happens?

I mean, it's a 50/50 change but at least you'll know where you stand.

Should be better than this strange stuff which confuses the hell out of everybody.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you misinterpreted something I said towards the end. I truly don't desire an open relationship anymore. I honestly want to be with only him. And even though I did want only open relationships in the past, why is it so difficult for him to believe I changed my mind? People do change.

So, what's your issue then? He has said, clearly, he doesn't want a GF right now?

Wake up, doll. You are holding out for something that just ain't there. You are going to end up hurt w/noone to blame but yourself:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_U8VdHx2ZA"]YouTube - Nat King Cole If Love Ain't There[/ame]

[JaneH]

You are rebound.

And love doesn't happen with one time, hate to break it to you.

Get over it, your sometimes secret hope that the unhealthy relationship will ever be what it apparently was never, get over his drama as an excuse to indulge further in the fantasy, and move on.

No drama.

[LoveKitties]

I'm in a similar situation but what makes mine so pathetic is that I'm 35 and he's 40. I think both of our "Love interests" are just immature and don't really know what the hell they want. All I know is that I'm so sick and tired of trying to figure it out!

I think you need to move on and forget about him, otherwise you'll end up like me depressed and miserable. If he wants to be with you he'll let you know.