My boyfriend is ill, should I continue? - Love Forum

vr00mm · #1 (**permalink**) 27-10-07, 10:05 PM

I already knew before the relationship started that he has got an epilepsy (mild) illness but just found out recently that he also have been into a mental hospital for more than one occasion for an aggression outbursts when life becomes too hard.(he just went in to the mental hospital and out again last week for the first time in our relationship). He needed to get sedated when he was in there from what i heard to stop him from reacting badly. I cant even imagine what kinda reaction he was giving out for him to be sedated like that. He has never been aggressive towards me.
i've just found out too that his mum also have been in a mental hosiptal a few times.is it in the genes?
My bf went from a very successful biz man to downhill thats why he started to have all the problems the above.(so i was told by him)
My man is 42yo and I am 29yo. Cos of all the meds he is taking, his sperm is prolly too dead for a reverse vasectomy.(i want kids, never have one, he got 3).
I am confused as to what to do cos he has been too closed to me and vice versa...i was hesitant to enter a relationship with him in the beginning but now i am more certain that it was a mistake.But couldn't bring myself to break it up cos i am depending on him.
He is def putting all the happiness on me which scares me a lil.It sounds like i could kill him should i happen to become a woman he doesn't want me to be.
He loves me 110%, gives me all, hid the stories about his life that may put me on reverse. I am having a huge doubts knowing what i can get if i am not with him, knwing the quality i have.
But at the same time, it would kill me too if i break it up cos we have grown very attached to ea other for the past 8 months (yes, only 8 months!)
We have becoming very dependent on ea other about different things (me, on financial,for him, maybe he needs a carer)
Tell me what i need to do? Am i deluding myself? i was ready to have a family with him but the future seems bleak seing how he is..n now im scared doing both ways (continue or not)
i also feel sorry if i let go of him cos he has to live alone without me, he got no body...
i feel stucked...
dont have the heart to take action but to stay put in a situation i am unsure of...

ps: what makes it harder for me to break it up is cos he treats me like a queen, i have nothing bad to say about how he is treating me. He adores me and never make me feel like I am obliged to "care" for him and his illness...
please help!

Moonchild · #2 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 02:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

i was hesitant to enter a relationship with him in the beginning but now i am more certain that it was a mistake.But couldn't bring myself to break it up cos i am depending on him.

You think it was a mistake. That's reason number one to get out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

He is def putting all the happiness on me which scares me a lil.It sounds like i could kill him should i happen to become a woman he doesn't want me to be.

The only way that would kill him would be if he killed himself. And in that case, he'd have more mental problems than is reasonable for you to deal with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

He loves me 110%, gives me all, hid the stories about his life that may put me on reverse.

He hid things from you, though. Especially after so long with you, it would have been a good idea to let you know that he had a mental disorder, not to hide it so you'd stay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

I am having a huge doubts knowing what i can get if i am not with him, knwing the quality i have.
But at the same time, it would kill me too if i break it up cos we have grown very attached to ea other for the past 8 months (yes, only 8 months!)
We have becoming very dependent on ea other about different things (me, on financial,for him, maybe he needs a carer)

It bothers me that a major reason you're staying with him is your own financial instability. Do you love him enough to deal with this kind of thing for the rest of your life? Can you stay with him when there's the possibility that he could have one of these aggressive outbursts with you around? What's the exact nature of these outbursts--do you think he could hurt you? If so, I wouldn't suggest hanging around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

i was ready to have a family with him but the future seems bleak seing how he is..n now im scared doing both ways (continue or not)
i also feel sorry if i let go of him cos he has to live alone without me, he got no body...
i feel stucked...
dont have the heart to take action but to stay put in a situation i am unsure of...

You said it wasn't likely that he'd be able to give you children anyway. So again, it comes down to the same thing--is this condition something you can see yourself living with for the rest of your life with him? If so, then stay. If you don't think you can do it, break it off. If you need an excuse, he hid all this from you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

ps: what makes it harder for me to break it up is cos he treats me like a queen, i have nothing bad to say about how he is treating me. He adores me and never make me feel like I am obliged to "care" for him and his illness...
please help!

It sounds like you enjoy how he treats you more than you enjoy /him/. If you enjoy the feeling, many people can give you that. If you enjoy the /person/, that's a different story.

GrkScorp · #3 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vr00mm

i also feel sorry if i let go of him cos he has to live alone without me, he got no body...
i feel stucked...
dont have the heart to take action but to stay put in a situation i am unsure of...

ps: what makes it harder for me to break it up is cos he treats me like a queen, i have nothing bad to say about how he is treating me. He adores me and never make me feel like I am obliged to "care" for him and his illness...
please help!

It honestly amazes me to find out stuff like this as the days go by.. Growing up, I was surrounded by women telling me how insensitive men are, how they stick around for the good times, and then just leave the other person when tough times come around.. How Ironic these days that the tables have turned in society.. and women have become the more primative (insensitive) of the two sexes..

First of all, I'd like you to read an article just to let you know how fast your clock it ticking.. http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/10..._are_a_de.html

Secondly.. mild cases of epilepsy are very treatable.. I'm not a doctor, but Lamotrigine (Lamictal), seems to be the medication of choice.. My girlfriend has epilepsy, and she takes medication, and we've been together for 2.5 years after she's told me.. during that time, she's (hit me, had her bouts of anger, etc..).. But when you love the other person.. you deal with it, especially when you know that it's not THEM.. but now it's under control..

Lastly.. You have a problem.. you're an Anna-Nichole in the making.. a world-class gold-digger.. I've re-read your post about 4 times.. and am disgusted.. I usually don't post replies like this.. but this is more than called for. "You are sticking around, more or less, because you are financially dependent on him.. which means, it's only a matter of time until you find someone else who has the financial resources, and hop on his c0ck a couple of times until he lets you move into his place.. and say goodbye to your boyfriend.." Sad, & pathetic.. See, unlike you, HIS condition is perfectly treatable, and in just months he'll be normal... YOU on the other hand have a major problem of self-worth.. you feel useless.. and hence feel the need to leech off of men.. combined with being LAZY.. YES.. if you were not lazy.. you would actually be looking for a way to work things out.. Instead.. you come to an online forum.. looking for petty excuses to justify you breaking things off with him...

Alas... if you don't change your habits.. and you do infact break things off with him.. don't feel sorry for him at all.. he's the lucky one.. he'll probably get treatment, live a normal life, and find someone WAY better than you.. If you do change your ways.. then, he'll get treatment.. have to take lamictal for the rest of his life.. but he'll be normal.. and you can actually feel (LOVE) for him.. not NEED for him as an income producing asset..

You disgust ME.. and i'm not even a woman.. you're a disgrace to all women.. get off this forum before you taint any young girls reading your post..

Gigabitch · #4 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 04:14 AM

You haven't described a relationship worth staying in, but it's not because of epilepsy or mental illness.

vashti · #5 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 05:38 AM

There is no absolutely connection between mental illness or violence and epilepsy. (My daughter is mildly epileptic, too.)

Everything else aside, if you want children and he's had a vasectomy, there is no point in continuing to date him and waste your time.

I wholeheartedly disagree with GrkScorp's assertion that one should tolerate physical violence for any reason, even mental illness.

squirrley · #6 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 07:37 AM

At least you KNEW about it going into the relationship. Plus for you you made the decision to stay. My husband didnt tell me about his lets say disabilty until 6 months after we were heavily involved. I was already taken aback by him so I accepted it. Now were married but i do have some ok little resentment for him not telling me up front. I dont know if it wouldve changed my mind.

BUT youre finding out things now which could lead to other things which are NOt healthy for any relationship. Until he gets himself together maybe this isnt the right relationship for you. Its not like you were together and he had an accident which left him a quad or anything. I know you dont want to be the bad guy in this, but you have to look out for yourself.

It just doesnt sound like its a wahoo relationship, lots of barriers out of the gates! Id be very concerned with the violent outbreaks. Your safety has to come first.

vr00mm · #7 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 09:28 AM

Hi thanks guys..

I am not looking for an excuse to break up with him. I think becos i have a soft heart, I am hesitant to break it off knowing how he would react and be. I do want financial security n it is not because I am "gold" digging him. I just knw what i deserve knwing what kinda life I will be in (full of stress if his epiliptic outburst and mental illness when come out) and i want my kids (if i happen to have one or 2 with him) would be secured.I have been with him for 8 months and I can tell you that the panic feeling that the carer has is quite great that even though the seazure doesnt happened, it still put you in a panic mode and distress mode.I thot i could accepted all of these until one day his friend told me the real condition of him (he knows him for 20 years). About the possible unsuccsessfull reverse vasectomy and that he has been in a mental hospital for about 6 times.This is when i stopped and starting to have huge doubts hence i come to this forum. I have no problem going back to work and earn my own income. Actually after this experience, i think i would like that. (my dream is to be a career woman).Anyway,he is taking a huge a mount of medications daily which possibly make him infertile.His friend was telling me that it mayb not be possible to have kids with him at all but he, himself is very positif about it to the point of almost dilusional cos he really wnt to fullfill my dream.

I am 29 yo, i am supposed to be at my prime. I am loyal , have a good heart but very confuse at the moment. I know i can get someone else or be with no body at all in order to have a less stress life. Yes I dont think i love him fully cos then why do i still have these doubts? Only cos we were close friends and i thot by knowing someone as your friend first was the way to have a relationship cos normally i would just go right into it and resulted to break ups. But this time i was still made the wrong choice, cos i thought i have known him well enough. He had told me that he had been in a mental hospital on the ealier days, but never had told me how many times. 6 times is quite a lot for an aggresive outbursts isnt? I thought it was only once and that was becos of the coming down of his success which is accapetable.
He has never been aggresive towards me, he treats me like a china doll but now i have a lil of nagging feelings, what if things dont go like he wants anymore with us? Would he get aggressive towards me? BUt i just cant see he is doing that towards me...
I think its time for me to have my own career actually...so i am not dependent on anyone, i can always be friend for him and always attend to his needs that way but perhaps its hard and its a very heavy responsibilty if i am his wife.

miSSleepy · #8 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 12:07 PM

Maybe you don't love him, and that's not your fault. Maybe you feel guilty of leaving him because of the illness. Regardless of why you don't love him and why you think it was a mistake, you need to act on your feelings.

misombra · #9 (**permalink**) 28-10-07, 10:22 PM

vrooooom, google "emotional extortion" and "co-dependency."

Sami09 · #10 (**permalink**) 29-10-07, 05:46 AM

w you really are going though a lot i the guy i am seeing is pretty ill we are on a break we were togethre 4 years he is an amaziin guy i am trying to stand by him even though he is havin some fun on the side. i am totally unsure about the future. as for you its must be really hard he treat you amazin but he does have his moment. he is sick if you can continue support him or just be his friend. how long were u together. good luck

wizer · #11 (**permalink**) 29-10-07, 07:42 AM

This guy has major problems and you are risking your own mental and physical wellbeing by staying with him. One reason NOT to stay is because you feel bad for him. You don't owe him anything and it's not your fault he's got the problems.

If you DO decide to stay with him, keep a Taser gun handy. Serious.