bf has been cold latelyyyyyyy

[kalupe]

UMMMM, im not reallly broken hearted but i already feel like i am. what to do!!! i feel like my bf and i are growing apart andddd it sucks how even if i try to talk about it, he talks like as if there's nothing to worry about and that im just being paranoid and such. he's much different now from how he was before and it's worrying me that he prolly has found another girl and such. but then again, maybe im being paranoid. or not.

pffttttt. what to do. -.- ive told him how i feel about it but he's acting like it's nothing. he seems busy all the time and we dont even spend as much time together anymore as how often we did anymore. and he hasnt been responding that much anymore. o.o

i feel like we're approaching the end. is this a trustworthy instinct or im just being paranoid?

[Gigabitch]

How long have you been together? It's possible that you're just coming out of that honeymoon phase where you're both all over each other and settling into real life together. This happens to everybody.

You've got to stop clinging to him, though. I can't imagine anything that would make a guy run for the hills faster. He can't be everything to you, and relationships are always going to change after the first few months.

[vashti]

This may become a self-fullfilling prophecy if you can't tone down the worrying. He will tire of your insecurity.

Try looking at it this way: IF he is going to move on (which isn't even certain), he can do it with you being all insecure and clingy, or he can do it with you keeping your dignity intact. which would make you feel better?

[kalupe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

How long have you been together?

We've been together for over a year now. anddd i guess im just not used to it, because he used to be obviously all over me before..and that's what i was used to. maybe im being paranoid but it's just hard not to worry sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

This may become a self-fullfilling prophecy if you can't tone down the worrying. He will tire of your insecurity.

Try looking at it this way: IF he is going to move on (which isn't even certain), he can do it with you being all insecure and clingy, or he can do it with you keeping your dignity intact. which would make you feel better?

the latter of course. -.-


thanks for the both of you though. ya, okay maybe im being insecure. i'll tone down the worrying...or try at least.

[GrkScorp]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kalupe

i feel like we're approaching the end. is this a trustworthy instinct or im just being paranoid?

Don't let your mind go off on some tangent, but i'm just curious..

- Has he made suggestions about your clothing lately, implying that he would like you to perhaps dress a little differently?

- How is your sex-life? How much variation is there? It is possible that it's feeling like the same old routine?

- Can you think of anything that may have created some misunderstanding on his part, or yours, that is maybe causing him to feel hostile towards you?

- Has the way you behave or carry yourself changed lately, perhaps because of stress, or being tired? And has that change spilled over into how you are with him? That is to say, do you think he may have felt reletively neglected (you not paying as much attention or giving him as much affection as he was to you) at some point, and is now feeling a bit hostile?

Short of some major drama-filled PMS-heated argument, or an other girl, all of these can be fixed.. and you shouldn't let your feelings and emotions take your mind too far into thinking things like him leaving you.. It's a primal fear, yes, and an insecurity EVERYONE shares, but like Vash said, don't take it so far from what it is that you turn it into a self-fullfilling prophecy..

1. Talk about it, (In a way he can understand, that's geared towards him, not you)

2. His needs are different from yours, it's a fact of life.. show him that you're genuinely interested in finding out what HIS needs are, and motivated on working on anything that's making him "less than happy"

[kalupe]

[quote=GrkScorp;324601]Don't let your mind go off on some tangent, but i'm just curious..

- Has he made suggestions about your clothing lately, implying that he would like you to perhaps dress a little differently?
Nope.

- How is your sex-life? How much variation is there? It is possible that it's feeling like the same old routine?
Sex life is downnnnnhill, lol. We havent been spending time together lately so yeah, that's kinda affected too. Same old routine...no i don't think so.

- Can you think of anything that may have created some misunderstanding on his part, or yours, that is maybe causing him to feel hostile towards you?
No, there's none i can think of really.. we argue a lot.. like half of the time we're arguing. and we share an off and on relationship.. we have opposing personalities but we still try to make this not matter..

- Has the way you behave or carry yourself changed lately, perhaps because of stress, or being tired? And has that change spilled over into how you are with him? That is to say, do you think he may have felt reletively neglected (you not paying as much attention or giving him as much affection as he was to you) at some point, and is now feeling a bit hostile?
No not lately. i used to be really busy though, but im not anymore. and i just dont understand what's causing him to be like this alll of a sudden.


1. Talk about it, (In a way he can understand, that's geared towards him, not you)
I've talked to him about it bazillion times already but i feel like he doesnt take it seriously.. he keeps on saying there's nothing to worry about blah blah, but he still keeps on being that way. like, i'll be inviting him to dinner at my house and he says he cant because he's busy blah blah, when before even when he's busy he still spends time with me. o.o and if i start talking to him about it again, it might annoy him already?

[vashti]

Maybe he is getting sick of all the fighting.

[Illusional]

sometimes, when you sense that the end is coming is because it is coming. people will usually act different when they either get too comfortable with a person or when they have found someone new.

raverboy

[Ekips]

You spelled lately wrong, and with 6 extra "Y"s to boot.

In either case, I'll excuse you this time.

Sometimes, a little bit of forcing yourself to get into "something" (read: bed), can be benificial for both of you guys in the long run (and short run). You'll get into it shortly after it starts.

Also, less arguing, keep it in. Stare at a wall. Whatever, just... stop. I swear I auto-ignore anyone who screams.

Now, arguing is healthy if you do it for the fun of it, but I really doubt this is what's happening.

Too long; Didn't read: Less >; (, more lol.

[kalupe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illusional

sometimes, when you sense that the end is coming is because it is coming. people will usually act different when they either get too comfortable with a person or when they have found someone new.

raverboy

I'm still hoping it's not the case for us. But if it is, should I what... just wait for him to break up with me or.. do it myself

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ekips

Also, less arguing, keep it in. Stare at a wall. Whatever, just... stop. I swear I auto-ignore anyone who screams.


Too long; Didn't read: Less >; (, more lol.

eh? i didnt get that last part.. but as for the arguing.. im not really the screamy naggy type. i more likely give the silent treatment when im mad, although i give him a healthy nag once in a while.

oh well, im just gonna hope there's nothing BIG behind this. if i would have to give him space then so be it. i'm not really a fan of long chases.

[Illusional]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kalupe

I'm still hoping it's not the case for us. But if it is, should I what... just wait for him to break up with me or.. do it myself

is this were the case, then why would you want to live out the next few months with someone that doesn't want to be with you? personally, i'd rather move on rather than waste my time.

raverboy

[kalupe]

ya well how would i know if that's the case in the first place when he wont tell me anything..hence the confused me. or paranoid too

[Gigabitch]

I say start working on a Plan B, even if it never gets implemented, you'll feel better just having explored the possibility of life without him.

What would you do if he broke up with you tomorrow and it was really, really over? Think it through.

[Illusional]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kalupe

ya well how would i know if that's the case in the first place when he wont tell me anything..hence the confused me. or paranoid too

you can kinda tell when a person's feelings start to change. first off they act different and then there is the lack of sex drive. you should watch the movie, "unfaithful" because it will give you a good idea of what happens when one wife decides to cheat on her husband.

raverboy

[GrkScorp]

[quote=kalupe;324623]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GrkScorp

How is your sex-life? How much variation is there? It is possible that it's feeling like the same old routine?
Sex life is downnnnnhill, lol. We havent been spending time together lately so yeah, that's kinda affected too. Same old routine...no i don't think so.

1. Talk about it, (In a way he can understand, that's geared towards him, not you)
I've talked to him about it bazillion times already but i feel like he doesnt take it seriously.. he keeps on saying there's nothing to worry about blah blah, but he still keeps on being that way. like, i'll be inviting him to dinner at my house and he says he cant because he's busy blah blah, when before even when he's busy he still spends time with me. o.o and if i start talking to him about it again, it might annoy him already?

O.K. kalupe, I was looking for your post for a while..

First of all, less nagging, more sex.. more relationship satisfaction.. seriously..

Looks like more nagging, less sex.. and satisfaction is going down..

It's not at all profound.. but what struck me as interesting is the fact that his sex-life has gone downhill, but seems the least bit interested, assertive, or motivated to change it.. ignoring or denying your requests to talk about it, meet up, or possibly slightly obvious calls for sex..

There's a reason guys do this.. and it doesn't spell out good news.. sorry in advance kalupe..

When they've made the choice, and set it in stone in their mind, that they're about to end things.. they immediately feel detached from the person.. not wanting to spend time with them, talk with them, engage in an emotional exchange, and much less, sex..

Example:

Last year, during the month of May, I knew I was going to break up with my ex.. I knew she still needed me in her life, and didn't want to put her in a rut.. But I knew that after November, it would be over, no question about it.. I was unhappy, I felt trapped, and I knew this wasn't the right person for me.. but I knew that the second after she was done with the Federal Reserve Bank of NY, it was over.. and during the months between that.. there was no sex.. and in the months before May, there was a sharp decline in my willingless to have sex.. as a guy, you could feel it.. lack of interest, lack of emotions, feelings, and connection towards the other person.. and your willingness for sex was gone.. plus you also don't want to feel the guilt of having sex with someone you're not feeling emotionally connected to.. because it's as if you're having sex just for the sake of sex.. and that would just be disrespectful with someone you've been with for such a long time, and shared so much with..

From her point of view.. sure, there was some nagging, but she had no idea what went wrong.. because it just hit her all at once during November, with just a month of transitioning..

From my point of view, there was nothing exceptional keeping me around.. I can't say the sex was outstanding, or anything special.. I can't say that I felt I found my match.. but more importantly.. I just wasn't happy.. constant nagging killed any chemistry or connection we had.. there was no motivation on my part to just ignore it.. I wasn't about to cheat.. but I wasn't about to stay with someone I knew wasn't right for me, no matter how much she tried to convince me, the choice was already made, it was final, set in stone from months ago.. there were other people out there left to get to know and possibly different..

So, reading more into your story, and trying to put the puzzle together.. The only clear picture i'm getting.. is a de ja' vous..

Why don't you just talk to him, and tell him.. that if he wants to leave, that if he wants to end it, that you're ok with it, but you don't want him to stay together with you, if he doesn't want to.. you don't want to be in a relationship where both people aren't in love with eachother.. so if he wants to go, he can go.. and you can both be mature about it, and still be friends, and not make it into some big deal..

I'm not saying it's easy.. all i'm saying is that you either have nothing to lose, and in the best case situation, better communication and understanding.. or.. you save yourself a lot of time and emotional investment with the wrong person, the person who doesn't feel the same way about you.. when you look at what you have to lose, or what you have to gain, the "fear" of not doing it because it might hurt, quickly starts to matter less and less.. and you start to instead realize.. more and more, what you want to do for yourself..

Best,

GrkScorp