do i have a chance? - Love Forum

temaze · #1 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 07:52 AM

Ok, for starters your not going to like me very much. I cheated on my girlfriend of a year and a bit, not because i don't love her but because i have a problem where sex is my only coping mechanism and i was literally falling apart towards the end of our relationship

I deeply regret doing what i did, she meant more to me then anyone and we had a very loving relationship. I have no excuse for what i did but believe me when i say i'm very sorry.

I owned up to her what i did and she broke it off and said some very mean things which i expected and i was shattered which i deserved. 2 weeks later i sent her a card and letter explaining the issue's i have when it comes to sexuality and how although it was wrong i didnt do it because i don't love and care for her.

She told me she wanted to go for a drive and talk and we did, she lay down on my lap and i asked her if she still loved me, she said no. i threw up which i've never done before out of nervousness. i told her i still loved her and if she'd let me i'd try and rebuild some trust and she said she wasn't sure she could be my friend.

The whole time she seemed to be struggling with herself not to be affectionate, she'd kiss me and hug me and then pull back. I asked her if i could send her a message the next day and she said ok. I told her she didnt have to make up her mind about me tonight or the next day or ever really because i'd still be here for her whenever she needed it. She took the ring she gave me off me and said you shouldn't have this and put it down. We left and towards her house i asked if i could still wear it and she said ok. I hugged her as she left the car and she was gone.

Her friend told me she was confused and she just really wanted to see me and didnt know why. Was she trying to say goodbye? Does she still love me but hasn't healed yet (i haven't either despite still loving her). Should i make an effort to persue a friendship very slowly and carefully or should i see this as a goodbye no strings attached. I miss her more because she was my best friend then my girlfriend.

Pettit-Papillon · #2 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 08:08 AM

First I would like to say my personal opinion...I really don't understand why You guys are cheating ...If You want to be or do sex with someone else just finish first the relationship and after do that... And I can't imagine why You do that if You love her... If You would really loved her as much as You say now,You wouldn't ever do that... You needed sex? You could ask her,talk about that,try to find another way to resolve this problem,but not like this... And the last,yes You're an asshole.But now I will answer for some of Your questions.I think she may still love You.Even if You did that,she just can't refuse her feelings,her lust to see You...It sure... Of course You can try to have her back.But you have to do really many things...It won't and it shouldn't be easy.Personally,I think You need a miracle.And You know why?Because even if You both will be together again,will she forget that?Mostly people forgive,but they don't forget.She will always have this feeling inside,when You'll be not by her side "Oh where is he now,maybe he's with someone else now".Try to put Yourself in her situation.How would You feel about that.Would You forget if she would have sex with someone else?Would You like to know ,that someone has touched her,but it wasn't You?And now,ask Yourself this question:is this have any sense?If you both get through this whole situation,it will means that it's a very stron relationship...But if You have any hesitates,just let her go... With the time,she can be happy again.Think about that.

Dancer · #3 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 08:40 AM

Sex is so over-rated, my friend...there are other ways in life to be intimate with a person; E.G., sharing your hopes, dreams and thoughts to start with. If a relationship's main evolution is sex or the lack thereof...I hate to be the one to say this but, that is not a relationship and that fling however brief it may be will not last.

temaze · #4 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 11:27 AM

The relationship we had wasn't about sex, we were friends and talked for a long time before sex became a part of our relationship. I don't think i clarified exactly what sex is to me, it's always been about pain and shame and that comes from my own unresolved issue's that i never told her or anyone about. I'm getting help for that, my sexual behaviour literally turned into an addiction that consumed me because it was my only escape. I'm not saying i'm not responsible for my actions merely that I needed help to fix my behaviour.

I have been an asshole, and i seriously want to change i want to grow up from my own pain and acknowledge that what happened to me in the past wasn't my fault. I don't want to change just for her i want to because i need to. I think she did see the good in me and i have mistreated her terribly, the act of cheating itself was so empty and lonely for me it gave me no pleasure.

But I'd do anything to earn her trust back because i honestly think i can be a positive influence in her life. I won't lie i desperately want her back to and i know this hurt won't go away and even if she does forgive me it'll be a long time after that, where i forgive myself. I want to show her who i can become, but i don't want to hang on and slow her life down if she's just plain over me.

FoxyLaydee · #5 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 11:47 AM

Temaze, get better first and then work on your xGF but I can promise you this - she'd probably have moved on already.

Are you having the same problem as Eric Benet?

temaze · #6 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 12:14 PM

i'll be honest i'm probably too young to get that reference. I'm not sure she'd be over me, we were pretty intense and we were eachothers first real emotional and sexual relationship. she very well may be though

IndiReloaded · #7 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 02:09 PM

Some thresholds, once crossed, cannot be revisited.

Sounds to me like you cheated & that's a deal breaker for her. Sorry. Her affection during your talk was probably her trying to sort things out & also remembering old feelings. Ever heard of ex-sex? The sort that split/divorced couples have in vulnerable moments? Doesn't mean they want to get together again, they are just temporarily confused.

Mbe I'm wrong, but I think this one is gone. You might as well not prolong your pain by fighting it. Try to learn your lesson & move on.

Tommy · #8 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pettit-Papillon

First I would like to say my personal opinion...I really don't understand why You guys are cheating ...If You want to be or do sex with someone else just finish first the relationship and after do that... And I can't imagine why You do that if You love her... If You would really loved her as much as You say now,You wouldn't ever do that... You needed sex? You could ask her,talk about that,try to find another way to resolve this problem,but not like this... And the last,yes You're an asshole.But now I will answer for some of Your questions.I think she may still love You.Even if You did that,she just can't refuse her feelings,her lust to see You...It sure... Of course You can try to have her back.But you have to do really many things...It won't and it shouldn't be easy.Personally,I think You need a miracle.And You know why?Because even if You both will be together again,will she forget that?Mostly people forgive,but they don't forget.She will always have this feeling inside,when You'll be not by her side "Oh where is he now,maybe he's with someone else now".Try to put Yourself in her situation.How would You feel about that.Would You forget if she would have sex with someone else?Would You like to know ,that someone has touched her,but it wasn't You?And now,ask Yourself this question:is this have any sense?If you both get through this whole situation,it will means that it's a very stron relationship...But if You have any hesitates,just let her go... With the time,she can be happy again.Think about that.

Will you marry me? Lol

Hey Dancer, good to see ya still hanging around. How you been?

To the OP, dumb mistake, suck it up and tell her how you feel. Leave it up to her, but be sensitive and let her have her space, otherwise you are double screwed. That type of mistake is not easily forgiven and NEVER forgotten.... One key thing.. and most people agree... once a cheater always a cheater.

temaze · #9 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 02:47 PM

yeah i'll have to prepare myself for that possibility i think, but i won't stop trying i do owe her that much. in the mean time i'll get over it and improve but i'll try and build a friendship back at least because thats whats most important to me right now.

She's letting me go past her place sunday to pick up her favourite book which i asked to read (i wanted to read it because a long time ago i said i would but never did). I think she's very confused at the moment, so i'll give her the space she needs (i won't stalk her) but i'll make sure i'm a feature in her life while she decides what she wants. And in the mean time i'll build myself up to be better then before.

I appreciate the input guys, i realize cheating is wrong and i've learnt from this a lot. Cheating in my case doesnt just hurt the cheated but the cheater themself. I'll never hurt somebody i love like this again so maybe its a lesson i had to learn to grow up. I think we had a deep enough connection to begin with that she'll heal and although she won't forget, i think she may forgive me and thats what i truly want.

Pettit-Papillon · #10 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 03:46 PM

Tommy;327411]Will you marry me? Lol

Is it kind of irony?

GodsRose · #11 (**permalink**) 14-04-08, 04:35 PM

Temaze, You need some therapy help, because sex does not fix your problems. My ex-husband cheated on me and we were married. He made me question everything about myself, my relationship with God, everything. So you might as well ripped out your girlfriends heart and run it over with a car. If you have a problem seriously with sex being your only mechanism, I'm surprised that you haven't had any other problems. So many times we think that we need a quick fix, but sex does not resolve your problems, because look where its left you. Your still feeling empty, sorry, and falling apart. Get yourself into therapy. There are a lot of different things that therapy can do with your sex addiction. I'm glad that you owned up to it but that does not make anything better either. You have to learn that there are consequences when you hurt someone. Maybe she was trying to say goodbye but you really should be focused on how much you have a problem with sex being your own mechanism. You have to fix yourself and forget about your ex.Sex is not a good enough answer.You broke a woman you loves heart and that doesn't make sense. I hope that you start learning some better characteristics and better ways to cope with your addiction to sex. Sincerely,Rose

Quote:

Originally Posted by temaze

Ok, for starters your not going to like me very much. I cheated on my girlfriend of a year and a bit, not because i don't love her but because i have a problem where sex is my only coping mechanism and i was literally falling apart towards the end of our relationship

I deeply regret doing what i did, she meant more to me then anyone and we had a very loving relationship. I have no excuse for what i did but believe me when i say i'm very sorry.

I owned up to her what i did and she broke it off and said some very mean things which i expected and i was shattered which i deserved. 2 weeks later i sent her a card and letter explaining the issue's i have when it comes to sexuality and how although it was wrong i didnt do it because i don't love and care for her.

She told me she wanted to go for a drive and talk and we did, she lay down on my lap and i asked her if she still loved me, she said no. i threw up which i've never done before out of nervousness. i told her i still loved her and if she'd let me i'd try and rebuild some trust and she said she wasn't sure she could be my friend.

The whole time she seemed to be struggling with herself not to be affectionate, she'd kiss me and hug me and then pull back. I asked her if i could send her a message the next day and she said ok. I told her she didnt have to make up her mind about me tonight or the next day or ever really because i'd still be here for her whenever she needed it. She took the ring she gave me off me and said you shouldn't have this and put it down. We left and towards her house i asked if i could still wear it and she said ok. I hugged her as she left the car and she was gone.

Her friend told me she was confused and she just really wanted to see me and didnt know why. Was she trying to say goodbye? Does she still love me but hasn't healed yet (i haven't either despite still loving her). Should i make an effort to persue a friendship very slowly and carefully or should i see this as a goodbye no strings attached. I miss her more because she was my best friend then my girlfriend.

1averagejoe · #12 (**permalink**) 15-04-08, 01:51 PM

I'm sorry man but you're an asshole. Leave her be. And I agree with the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater." I was the third guy that got screwed over by my ex. I'm usually pretty reserved when it comes to my emotions, but it hurts like no other. I hadn't broken down that hard in years.

You ****ed up, she may forgive you but she's never going to forget what you did. Trust is something you can throw away in a few seconds, but can take years or in your case you'll never get it back. If sex is something you wanted from someone else then why the hell were you in that relationship? I don't understand that? I even asked my ex that same question. Why the hell didn't you just break up with me instead of drag my ass around and use me? If you wanted sex with someone else, then go **** them instead of me.

Ask yourself how you'd feel to be on the receiving end of it all? It sucks. Man up, apologize for what you did and leave her alone. No girl deserves the crap you put her through. I can say I did take one thing from my relationship though. That I will never cheat on anyone, because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end.

Sorry if I sounded really aggressive, but cheating is one thing that really pushes my buttons.