how to let go....??? help!!! - Love Forum

blues414 · #1 (**permalink**) 12-03-08, 09:36 PM

hello everyone... i wrote on the relationship forum yesterday, but i am now officially dealing with a broken heart. long story short, i started dating my ex 9 months ago, its a long distance relationship, and in november i was drunk and another guy kissed me for about 10 seconds. i dont even remember what the guy looks like, we never talked after, it was random and stupid. and i told my bf about it 2.5 weeks ago because i felt he had the right to know. i wanted him to be with me with no lies or secrets. he said he could deal with it but sunday he broke up with me cause he says its all he thinks about. he said there is a rather big possibility that he will get over it and that we can be together again...but i asked him about it yesterday and he said its now 50/50 cause he keeps thinking about it and thinks that maybe i did stuff with other guys too...i definitely didn't but i understand why he'd be worried. anyways he told me to wait for him and im scared he will say in a couple of months " no i dont want you" or "no i met someone else"... so im going to try and get over him in the meantime and just expect the worse. so how do i do it? how do i resist picking up the phone to call him? and feeling the need to always check his profile on facebook...he doesnt even sound sad when we talk...and what if he starts dating someone soon? he said he wont be, what if? ill be heartbroken again.... i know i must be the selfish one only worrying about my heart when i hurt his too...and please don't reply back in a negative way, i know i messed up and i'm extremely depressed... i kind've feel like life is over for me, though i know it's not...im only 18 years old. i just need help in trying to get over everything...we were so close, we knew eachother for 6 years before we started dating and we were good friends. sorry for letting this get so long....but please, please help. i'm a mess.

gartlas · #2 (**permalink**) 12-03-08, 11:17 PM

hmmm I'm not sure what to say really -breaking up with someone you knew really well is hard but you must resist the temptation to call him.
make it hard for yourself- delete his number on your phone and off your friends list on facebook(not sure how it works,never been on it). don't talk to him, find a hobby ,something else to focus on. he doesnt mean 50/50 he's just having as much trouble letting go as you.even if you did get back together it would never be what it was before.just try and let go ok? it'll be a lot better in month or so

blues414 · #3 (**permalink**) 12-03-08, 11:40 PM

i would love to get over it and move on. it's just so hard. we were almost too attached, we talked every hour of every day..and we would stay on the phone for so long and talk about anything and everything. now i have to completely cut that out of my life...he was my life. it was almost unhealthy. i can't stop crying, i even threw up this morning...i can't eat. i can't do anything. it's like my world has stopped. i just wanted to go to bed and wake up when everything is better. i don't know what to do. i can't get my mind off of it, im at work and i can't do anything besides sit and think and keep running to the bathroom to cry.... i need help.

gartlas · #4 (**permalink**) 13-03-08, 12:23 AM

wow

,well your right very unhealthy. everyone here is great but maybe should see some sort of counsellor. If its stopping you work,eat and sleep it's really concerning .Go out with some of your friends if you feel up to it ,but don't spend all your time moping around feeling sorry for yourself .see a counsellor, spend time with your normal friends ,get a hobby and get your life back on track [=

MadKat · #5 (**permalink**) 13-03-08, 11:49 AM

I think you are experiencing this cuz you cant live up to the guilt. You are blaming yourself for the loss, and get even worst when you think you blew up your own happiness.

Well, i don't have advise for you. Perhaps now what you can do is;
1) Pay more attention to others
2) Visit loveforum more to learn/share
3) Think before you act

So this is how you will past the time, and, maybe one day when he's over it, and come back to you, you are sure that you won't repeat the same mistake again. By that time, you are more ready than ever.

Live for today and appreciates the present.
Learn from past and widen your boundary.

ExpoNovak · #6 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 12:36 AM

You say the guy kissed you? And there was no kissing back on your part, not even a little?

We all do really stupid things when drunk. You're hard pressed to find a drinker who doesn't have a "Oh man, this one time when I was plastered..." story. The bright side to all of this is that you did not sleep with the guy. Obviously guilt over this was eating you alive so you told your boyfriend to absolve yourself. What you didn't realize is that you took this weight from your own shoulders and placed it squarely on his.

If you want to try to work it out (and I do NOT say this often) I think you should give it a go. Give him a couple weeks to suffer life without you and then call him and be perfectly and painfully honest. Be strong and do not cry. Communication here is vital and crying disrupts communication more than anything on earth. Tell him that due to the alchohol, what happened did not even register with you until it was over and if you didn't feel so terrible about it you never would have told him in the first place. Tell him this has taught you a lesson about drunkeness and whether or not he chooses to be with you that you will still be altering your behavior accordingly. Tell him that you miss him and that you have hurt yourself just as badly as you have hurt him. Lastly, remind him that you have not slept with anyone else and would never do so.

Even better yet, if you know of a stupid drunken activity he has participated in while drunk (painting the neighbor's dog pink, streaking naked through a Wal-Mart, etc) BRING IT UP. This isn't throwing his behavior back into his face--it is simply making your own point that while you may not have agreed with these actions you didn't throw him away over them.

You're not here for me to pick you apart for what you did, so I'm going to play defense attorney here and say that you should tell him what you told us--the other guy kissed YOU and you were just too drunk to realize you were being kissed and pull away in time. Offer to bring him with you to any further parties.

Lastly, tell him that you love him dearly, can make him happy, and hopes that he rethinks his decision and contacts you. At this point, give a sweet good-bye and HANG UP THE PHONE. Give him a chance to think about it alone before you start bawling on the line.

Best of luck.

blues414 · #7 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 10:45 AM

you gave great advice but...he now claims that because i was kissed by another guy, i must have "cheated on him many more times" which is completely untrue. and he doesnt even let me get a word in. he's got his mind set that ive cheated many times and refuses to believe me. there is nothing i can do. maybe i messed up, and yeh he has a right to accuse me cause he hurts, but i think it is a little immature that he is saying he knows that i cheated on him other times and wont believe a word i say....i think i should just walk away. do you guys agree? i really do need your advice...i feel like there is nothing i can do now... i feel almost like im just..done.

alexanderberson · #8 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 02:13 PM

Ok. First of all, was he there to witness the kissing? If so , why didnt he step in to kick this guy out? Obviously you were little drunk and had little control of the situation. I just think he should have done something about the situation and not being so stuborn and break things up. Its too easy to break things up. It takes a real challenge to build the relationship.
Move on. Time is the best medicine! I know its gonna be hell for the first 2 weeks. If you can pass that time without talking him, you going to be fine. Again, i am not sure if you have intention to keep friendship between you and your ex. If not, then its best not to talk to him at all.

alexanderberson · #9 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 02:15 PM

OH by the way. I think if you ignore him long enough, he will come back into your life. He will either call you and try to make it work. i say 80% he will call back and try to make it work.

Gribble · #10 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 02:34 PM

You're master of your emotions. Realize that. Put this other person aside. Fill your idle time with activity so you can't dwell on it. Get drunk. **** some other chick. Or dude. Or whatever it is you ****. You'll get over it right quick.

Mishanya · #11 (**permalink**) 14-03-08, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blues414

you gave great advice but...he now claims that because i was kissed by another guy, i must have "cheated on him many more times" which is completely untrue. and he doesnt even let me get a word in. he's got his mind set that ive cheated many times and refuses to believe me. there is nothing i can do. maybe i messed up, and yeh he has a right to accuse me cause he hurts, but i think it is a little immature that he is saying he knows that i cheated on him other times and wont believe a word i say....i think i should just walk away. do you guys agree? i really do need your advice...i feel like there is nothing i can do now... i feel almost like im just..done.

You did the right thing Blues by telling him the truth. You need to talk to your guy, tell him that you're deeply sorry about what happened. Recall the events. Recall the exact time when you got drunk and apologize for getting to that stage where you lost control. It shouldn't have happened. Recall the stage where the guy kissed you and apologize again for loosing control, that shouldn't have happened as well. Explain once again that this is all there is to it. Explain that you were honest with him and that you apologize sincerely for hurting him in this way and you PROMISE this won't happen again.

If he STILL doesn't accept. Ask him if his trust is gone? But for real yes or no answer don't accept maybeys. Tell him he must now decide what to do from here. Is he the kind of guy who can't forgive a partner for something irrational, for something they did once, apologized for and promised never to repeat again? Is he the kind of guys whose trust is broken so easily? Is he the kind of guy who carries grudges with him for the longest time posible? If yes, then apologize again, tell him you're sorry it didn't work out and make a painful decision to leave on your own (don't wait for his decision). You don't need a person like that in your life, it's best to leave now than witness the dramas he will put you through later on. Then, it will be time to get over him. Come back for more advice. If he still trusts you though, then there's hope. Give him time to make up his mind. If he still trusts you it means there's a high chance he will take you back.

I hope it works out for the best for you

blues414 · #12 (**permalink**) 15-03-08, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexanderberson

Ok. First of all, was he there to witness the kissing? If so , why didnt he step in to kick this guy out? Obviously you were little drunk and had little control of the situation. I just think he should have done something about the situation and not being so stuborn and break things up. Its too easy to break things up. It takes a real challenge to build the relationship.
Move on. Time is the best medicine! I know its gonna be hell for the first 2 weeks. If you can pass that time without talking him, you going to be fine. Again, i am not sure if you have intention to keep friendship between you and your ex. If not, then its best not to talk to him at all.

alexanderberson, he wasnt there to witness it because we are in a long distance relationship. 4 hour flight or 27 hour car ride to see eachother. dated for 9 months, probably saw eachother for 3 of them.

and mishanya, he is definitely the type of person you described. trust broken easily... holds grudges...wont forgive me, doesnt even believe me. last night he was like "ure just scared to leave me cause you know you wont find someone like me cause i would never hurt you" that comment made me quite upset and scared to move on...which i'm guessing is what he wants. he's trying to make me feel like crap, and it really is working...

IndiReloaded · #13 (**permalink**) 15-03-08, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mishanya

You did the right thing Blues by telling him the truth. You need to talk to your guy, tell him that you're deeply sorry about what happened. Recall the events. Recall the exact time when you got drunk and apologize for getting to that stage where you lost control. It shouldn't have happened. Recall the stage where the guy kissed you and apologize again for loosing control, that shouldn't have happened as well. Explain once again that this is all there is to it. Explain that you were honest with him and that you apologize sincerely for hurting him in this way and you PROMISE this won't happen again.

If he STILL doesn't accept. Ask him if his trust is gone? But for real yes or no answer don't accept maybeys. Tell him he must now decide what to do from here. Is he the kind of guy who can't forgive a partner for something irrational, for something they did once, apologized for and promised never to repeat again? Is he the kind of guys whose trust is broken so easily? Is he the kind of guy who carries grudges with him for the longest time posible? If yes, then apologize again, tell him you're sorry it didn't work out and make a painful decision to leave on your own (don't wait for his decision). You don't need a person like that in your life, it's best to leave now than witness the dramas he will put you through later on. Then, it will be time to get over him. Come back for more advice. If he still trusts you though, then there's hope. Give him time to make up his mind. If he still trusts you it means there's a high chance he will take you back.

I hope it works out for the best for you

This is the best advice, IMO^.

Yes, you did wrong kissing another guy. You cheated. You also had the guts to confess. You could have stayed quiet & just promised YOURSELF it would never happen again; every choice has its consequences.

I'm not making light of his feelings, not at all. But it was just a kiss. That's as far as it went, right? Really, you can expect him to be upset but let the punishment fit the crime for gosh sake. Tell him he can go and french kiss one of your girlfriends & squeeze her bottom.

But sounds to me like he'd rather rub your nose in the guilt than let you make it up to him. Or breakup with you if its so offensive. Watch out for guys (or gals) who hold grudges.

IndiReloaded · #14 (**permalink**) 15-03-08, 04:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blues414

last night he was like "ure just scared to leave me cause you know you wont find someone like me cause i would never hurt you" that comment made me quite upset and scared to move on...which i'm guessing is what he wants. he's trying to make me feel like crap, and it really is working...

Yep, the guilt trip. He's gone beyond being the injured party; now he's doing something wrong also. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Don't think for a minute his guilt trip on you (its a power trip) is justified. He doesn't have the guts to break up with you over this & wants you to do it for him.

Decide how angry you would be if the situation were reversed & how you would handle this if you were him. Be honest. Then tell him so.

vashti · #15 (**permalink**) 15-03-08, 04:46 AM

I don't think he's a bad guy because he doesn't trust you anymore. He has a right to hold out for a partner who doesn't kiss other guys when they are out drinking.

Sorry you are hurting, but maybe you should look at this as a learning opportunity.