I need a Female translator before she moves out.

[Numb]

Hello everyone,

I have been together with my GF for 7 years. We have lived together
5 years now. I asked her to Marry me NYE '04, she said yes. We have not been married yet due to financial problems. I have been having trouble keeping/finding steady work for 2 years now. I am picky about the jobs I take and want high income to be able to afford the nice wedding she deserves. I would find a great job and then BAM 5 months later, laid off. We have worked through rough times in the past and thought that we could survive anything. I was convinced that we were forever.

UNTIL Last night.

After going out last night we pull up the the front of the house and I'm not in a very good mood. I've been out of work again for awhile. Anyway, So she asked me if I remember the talk we had along time ago about being honest about everything and if we wanted to break up to go our own way to just come out in the open. Well BAM guess what she was out with her sister yesterday for hours and hours which is unusual and she is moving into her house, leaving me. Plan is already in motion with no room for discussion. I am blown away. I took the news pretty cool (I was dying on the inside but didn't let it show) Show when I ask why she said and this is where I need all the female translation.

Me: Why?
Her: I just can do it anymore, me working all the time and you stuck at home searching.
Me: Is that it?
Her: I just can't do it anymore, It don't change Its always the same. I don't want to start to resent you and have guilty thoughts and possibly lead to cheating. (My jaw is still on my lap)
Me: WOW

I suddenly realized she has been wearing perfume to work. My immediate thought is that she is going to cheat as soon as she gets out of our house.

I asked her if she was going to cheat and she said no that has nothing to do with it. I asked a bunch of questions to try and catch her in a lie and my lie detector skills gave the seal of approval. So then it went to this:

Her: We have been struck for so long and I just need a change, I thought it would be best just to go and have some time to ourselfs, to find ourselfs so we can try to find each other again.
Me: I said I hope thats a plan to stay together and if it is I'm all for it and I hope it works.

She handed me my engagement ring and I refused it so, she put it on the other hand, the wrong hand. I could not believe it.
She asked if it's ok to stay until she gets her stuff to her sisters house and I said yes. She slept like a baby, I drank all the beer in the house and tried to take it all in.

So any translation/advice would be grateful.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to get that out.

[vashti]

I think she was pretty clear about what the problem was from her perspective. She is tired of you not working.

Let me tell you this. My father was another man who was picky about what jobs he would take, and since he and my mother had four little mouths to feed, it fell to my mother to take on whatever job she could to provide for us. She ended up moving furniture (a man's work at the time) because my dad was too picky to take such a "mindless" job. She hated him for it, and she became bitter and miserable, which had a direct (and negative) impact on the whole house. they ended up divorcing, and my mom remarried someone who would rather work 2 crap jobs rather than make her work so hard.

Maybe you shouldn't have been so picky about what jobs you would take. You have to be willing to start small and work your way up. No one starts at the top.

To be honest, I don't blame your girlfriend. Sorry.

[Numb]

I thought of about 10 other things I need help understanding. I picked her up from work today and she said that maybe I am setting my goals too high for work and steady work would be available in smaller markets. I agreed and asked her if I got stable work would we have a better chance at getting back together, she replied it's possible but who knows. She said she hasn't completely given up but doubts any progress. I told her I know what I can change but we will see if it helps.

GOD, everything is coming to me now in a flash. I wish I would of seen this coming sooner.

I didn't have a clue she was miserable, so miserable that she is moving into her hated brother in law's home which is small she won't even have her own bed. More questions than answers right now. Like why the tanning bed twice a week, why the hair color change. She told me it was to look nice for me. Now I'm thinking elsewise.

I hope someone here can help me prepare for what is ahead for me. No chance getting back together? She going to get a place of her own? Does she want to F someone else? Too many questions.

All translation/advice/support welcome. Thanks for reading.

[littlewing]

I think you are overeacting with a cheating thing, unless you have an actual proof then you can't assume she is. If she is taking care of her looks it doen't necesarily mean that she is into some guy, cheating. Most women simply like to look good, they feel better about themselves when they do.

You can't really blame her for wanting some security from you, the fact that you can't find a steady job means that she can't really rely on you financially and that's a very important factor today.

[Numb]

I would of taken 10 PT jobs if I knew it would of come to this. We are living rent free right now and I thought she was ok with it. I do see your point though. I am glad your mother remarried a good guy. what you don't understand I was the good guy here. There is so much more to the story that my Numb mind is uncapable of stating right now. I want the best for her no matter what. If she thinks this is it, so be it. And another thing is I worked 2 FT jobs when she had surgery to cover all the medical cost. I may seem like a lazy A hole on here, but I have a hard time putting words to text.

[Kromat]

You need an ambition, having a girl in your life shouldn't be your only goal in life.
Try to make yourself happy and what you have before trying to settle down with somebody.
I know that in my current state, it wouldn't be worth it to get a girlfriend because my income
isn't high enough and I need to change the career that I am currently doing and become
financial stable before I start making any commitments.
It is easier to make changes in your life by yourself, than to have distractions holding you back.
She is actually doing you a favor, by showing you that you can do something
better with your life and not having to struggle to make ends meet.
If you two don't get back and when your life does turn around, at least you can tell
her how much you truly appreciated for what she has given you, and that is hope.

P.S. This isn't the end, just the start of a new beginning.

[Hellfire]

I'm guessing that she's taken a good long look at her life and decided that she doesn't want to be doing it for the next 80 years. She wants change. The new hair colour probably was for her, to try change the way she feels about herself and her life. It sounds like she wants things to be different. You've been searching for a job and putting off the 'happiest day of her life' for two years now. That's a long time.

To be honest, the best thing you can do is let her go for now. I'm serious. If you start accusing her, even in your head, of cheating, you are not going to win her back. It will just build up resentment and suspicion.

She's making a huge radical move which she could be doing for a variety of reasons, I'm only saying what I think is most likely. It is possible that she will move out, realize what she's missing and will want to come back, but you're going to have to make a few differences in your lifestyle. You need to show her you're willing to fight for her without smothering her.

She may have other reasons behind this move which could result differently. Like Kromat said, this isn't the end, it's the start of a new beginning. You just need to work out what to do with it.

[Numb]

Thanks to those of you with positive feedback. I have begun working on my own issues weeks ago, this may take some time taking a minimum scale job but I am up to the challenge. And just to update the situation we talked last night and she told me she does'nt know what to do to make this better. I told her I knew what I could do to help. She then asked if there was anything she could do to make it better and I just said I think you are perfect, but if you think there is anything that would help us do it. At this point I had the first glimpse of hope that maybe she still wanted to be with me. Now I'm stuck wondering again because I noticed credit card transactions being processed when she was supposed to be at work. Stupid small CC from a gas station. I don't know. Any thoughts?

[misombra]

she wants to get with a guy who can bring home the bacon.

it probably turns her off and makes sex with you a miserable task. one thing can turn into a million other things very quickly.

i don't blame her for moving out. i wouldn't blame her if she was hanging out with someone else. sounds like she was civil and upfront with you.

get a job, or go to school if you want a better paying job. what do you do during the day and how much time do you spend looking for a job?

[Pears]

Kromat mentioned this. You need to be happy with yourself before you can take responsibility for someone else's happiness. Are you happy with not having a stable job? Are you happy with your financial status? How about your lifestyle?

Being in a relationship should be an extra perk, not a necessity. If you are happy with yourself, you are independent.

[bluesummer]

I was married to a man like yourself, and had a father the same way. It was a terrible lifestyle....my family growing up always see sawed between prosperity and almost being on welfare. My mom had to work constantly and take care of the house....she was a wreck. My ex husband did the same, and he almost wrecked me. I left him when I recognized the pattern early.

Bottom line is, have some goals for youself. Do you realize you need to start off small and grow in your career? You're not just going to go out and make the big money right away....you need to WORK. HARD. Gain some respect, some recognition. People don't just get handed high salaries because they want them. I can't guarantee a change in your way of thinking and working is going to get your gf back, but it might. Regardless, even if it doesn't, you still need to put yourself on the right path....for YOUR sake.

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Numb

She then asked if there was anything she could do to make it better

Next time she asks if there is anything she can do, don't miss the opportunity. Ask her to give you a little bit of time to show her that you've changed for the better. Then go out there and find steady work (it's not that hard)

Then buy her a gift for putting up with you, with no expectation

Then slowly try to seduce her back

[WilsonC]

I agree with Kromat. You need to have some ambition. Women who want to settle down naturally look for stability. She wants to see that stability in you or else she will lose interest. A man who doesn't have a plan is like a man who is wandering around aimless. It doesn't inspire much confidence in other people.

I suggest you really take the time to sit down and think up a 1 year plan of what steps you're going to take to achieve your goal. If possible, plan for 3 years. Make sure it is honest, really something feasible and a plan you would stick to. Once you've got that figured out, bring her into the process and let her know about your plans.

Don't ask her whether the plan will convince her to stay. That isn't the way to do it. Show initiative and she will pick up on it.

A tip on planning. Don't plan for perfection. What you want is to be able to start acting on your plan. Like the others said, you need to start from basic instead of aiming for the top straight. Go for small successes first and build the momentum. You'll find 2-3 months down the road you will have more energy and will power to follow through to your goals because you're already in action rather than just waiting at home. Now that is an attractive quality to have.

[jinx343]

i am fed up with this kind of situation myself:
mom working her ass off for her whole family while the picky father sits his ass doing nothing and get drunk or go out with his friends. what kind of a girl/woman, after seeing those for experience, would want to have that kind of lifestyle for her own?

why would anyone stick in a situation she doesn't like or feel happy about anymore?

you havent even married yet, yet there is already uncertainty i the future for both of you. who would want children if that is always the situation?

if you don't trust her when she tells you she's just trying to make herself look beautiful for you, why dont you tell her to just be honest with you and not give you hope if there is none left? but dude, us girls most of the time undergo "makeovers" after a bad situation or relationship coz it helps us feel better and empowered.. nothing more than that.

yes, it is a turn off to see men who are capable of working, just wasting their time away when they could have done soemthing worthwhile.

you said you've also worked so hard when she went for surgery... guess you should have kept it going that way. i guess when she saw thatyou can't keep it going, it just turned her off or made her stop dreaming of a life for you two together.

you don't need a high paying job. she doesnt seem to want it. all she wants to see is the motivation and determination in you to get through things... slowly but surely. i know you said you want to give her what she deserves... but because you're aiming so high.. you missed some points along the way. you were so focused on WHAT YOU WANTED and couldn't seem to get at the moment (though you said it's for her) that you missed seeing WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS.

nothing is magic. you have to work your way up to the ladder of financial success like how you would also have to work your way up back to her heart once again.

best of luck!

[Kromat]

This is what i don't want to happen when I'm finally in relationship.
I Don't want the girl to have to take care of all the expenses and be a good mother later on.
If there isn't a good foundation to Work with, it'll fail before it starts to get serious.
False promises Don't do anyone any favours, because it just stalls the other person into not having, a successful marriage.
Have your life in stable order independently before setting up for a long-term relationship.
P.S. Don't try to hide a secret, if something is wrong, then talk about with your S/O.