How to get an ex back?

[TheMichiganMan]

Ok, dated a girl for four months. She's older and with a kid. She was head over heels over me the entire relationship and had it get serious quick.

She lost her job and has been going nuts over it. One day she dumped me saying she is depressed, freaking out, and can't give her heart to one man. Her ex called her at her darkest moment and she said part of the reason she dumped me was because old feelings re-surfaced, even though she never wants to get back with him.

I think the ex is a red herring but she may be right. I've had no contact since the break up. It's been two weeks.

We had a fantastic relationship. I could be wrong but I think she made a hasty decision. I know it's hers to make but do I have any shot if I ask to hang out and feel her out? Should I give it more time or just completely drop it and move on?

I know I will be fine with her (in time) and without her. I'm a catch. Why do I want to get back? We had an amazing time with no problems before she flipped out.

She said it wasn't about me. She said she is still in love with me. She said I couldn't have done anything differently and that I'm amazing. She hates herself for doing this.

I think this is about her getting herself right since she told me she feels worthless without a job.

I have no problem getting "rejected" one more time since I would officially close the door. I just think it's worth one more shot and of course, timing is everything. How much time should I give her before I contact her? It's been two weeks. Thanks.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

IMO, you should back off as a boyfriend, but approach her as a friend and let her know that you are there to be her shoulder to cry on when the times get rough. Dont ever turn your back on her. She's going through a bad time right now, and being in a relationship adds more stress and in reality, relationships arent necessities, so of course she'd get rid of the wants and keep the needs. But when things simmer down for her, things just may happen again. I, personally, would feel good to know that someone always had my back even though I broke their heart. But whatever you do, be optimistic about the situation, and remember to always show her that if she were to fall you would be there to save her.Hope this helps.

[Cain]

I disagree with the above poster.

Do NOT be her shoulder to cry on. If you give her the benefits of a boyfriend without the actual relationship, she'll have no reason to return to you. It's fine for you to contact her every now and then, but stay away. Let her miss what you both had.

[survivor08]

This one is a tough one. Both suggestions above can work out either way. The stuff I"ve read and advice I've been give by friends and stuff is that you need to give her her space.....and depending on her personality and maturity (prideful? strong? independent? sweet? cold?) she may react to both options differently.

I went with a combination of both for my ex at this moment. Gave her time...then called her...took responsibility for the breakup...which brought down her guard...I tolde her that I will continue to love her...and that I will be there for her...
so-she has already called me for a favor...and has met for coffee...baby steps...baby steps to get her back...which is my goal as well....
you do need to have emotional stability yourself which I think it is key...don't beg, but let her know you still care.....in the meantime get preocupied with other things and spend time with friends and people who love you...

[Cain]

This one is a tough one. Both suggestions above can work out either way. The stuff I"ve read and advice I've been give by friends and stuff is that you need to give her her space.....and depending on her personality and maturity (prideful? strong? independent? sweet? cold?) she may react to both options differently.

I went with a combination of both for my ex at this moment. Gave her time...then called her...took responsibility for the breakup...which brought down her guard...I tolde her that I will continue to love her...and that I will be there for her...
so-she has already called me for a favor...and has met for coffee...baby steps...baby steps to get her back...which is my goal as well....
you do need to have emotional stability yourself which I think it is key...don't beg, but let her know you still care.....in the meantime get preocupied with other things and spend time with friends and people who love you...

Until you get her back, don't think that you're method is working. If you ask anyone that has gotten their ex back before, the general consensus is going to be to give them space. Let them miss you and wonder what you're doing. Go out. Have fun. That's attractive to the girl. Don't make her think that you're waiting on her, but don't be out trying to make her jealous either.

If you get too friendly, chances are you're going to go straight into being friends after a breakup instead of being together again. Sure, being a friend and getting back into the relationship might happen with some women, but not for the majority. If she needs you for something, then sure... be there... but don't be her shoulder to cry on and don't do too many favors for her.

Your goal is to get her back... not be another friend.

[survivor08]

I see your point. My goal is to get her back, and the danger of doing your own thing and not call at all...is that as much as time makes the heart grow fonder...time heals all wounds....so the risk that she can also move on..

[Cain]

I see your point. My goal is to get her back, and the danger of doing your own thing and not call at all...is that as much as time makes the heart grow fonder...time heals all wounds....so the risk that she can also move on..

You don't have to ignore her, but don't be there for her all the time. If she really loved you, she'll definitely miss you. If she wants to be with you, she'll definitely miss you. Time only heals all wounds if she DOESN'T want to be with you.

[TheMichiganMan]

Ok, first of all, thank you all for your well-thought out and reasonable responses. They have been very helpful.

This is where I'm at right now:

This week has been great. After reading some of these posts and talking to friends/family, I realized something important. I'll be fine with her or without her. Not having contact is the best thing for me no matter what happens.

I need to move on. I think she has baggage and even though I loved her personality, it's not a working relationship right now. I can't, nor should I have to, convince someone to get back with me. If they are healthy and truly love me, they will come back - especially because we broke up on good terms and without me doing anything wrong.

And if they are leaning towards wanting me back, my first contact could make me seem desperate, and therefore, less attractive. If they move on because of the space, then it just wasn't meant to be. I believe that true long-term relationships should be stronger than that.

I've signed up for speed dating on tomorrow and this Saturday. I even scheduled a "hang out" with a chick who lives about 2 hours away. I think this is a nice situation because I can tell we both are attracted to each other, however, I'm looking to keep it casual and I believe she is too. So, I think I'm at least getting the ball rolling at moving on.

I'm also picking up books on how to appear more attractive and charming to women. The only problem with this is that I feel I am placing too much value on hooking up with someone else to get over her. Ideally, I should have a strong sense of self to not need a rebound. But I do. It will make me feel more confident and that I have options. At some point, maybe I need to work on why I validate myself through women's attraction.

So, as I was saying, I was doing so well lately, but I did have a set back today. For those of you who are familiar with Facebook, I received an update on my newsfeed that said she changed her status from "in a relationship" to "single." Fine, that's reasonable.

For some reason, though. I clicked on her profile. I shouldn't have.

She changed her profile picture to a picture of her in a bikini. This was originally a photo that she took for me. Also, she only signed up for Facebook after I showed it to her. Her only friends were me and my friends -- so I figured that she would not use it much.

I was wrong.

She added a new friend. Even though I shouldn't have, I clicked on the guy's name. He is a good looking guy from Philly and seems to be about mid 20's. (So am I.) She's in her mid 30's in Northern NJ with a kid. She never mentioned this guy before so I figure she met him online.

This bothered because she told me she didn't have the energy for a relationship with anyone and yet it looks like she's looking for someone else. And while I consider myself attractive, so is he. So it hurts to know she's talking to cute guys. It's a shot to my ego. I don't understand why the space wouldn't make her want to come back to me.

However, I'm trying to look at the bright side. Since she has a kid and he lives more than 90 mins away, maybe she's just looking to flirt online to stroke her ego. (She did this before me). But then, she did meet her separated husband online.

Okay, now I'm rambling. I just know that I can't have "no contact" if I check her facebook, so I must stop. She deleted me from myspace because she blogs on it. I don't want to delete her from facebook because I don't want to make it seem like I'll never be her friend and/or I can't handle not seeing her page.

This may be a good thing in that it hurts now but reinforces that we aren't getting back together. If I were confused about dumping someone, I don't think I'd be looking for chicks this soon. I'm content with not talking to her and meeting other girls, but before the facebook incident, I probably held out a little long-term hope. I shouldn't now.

[survivor08]

MichiganMan,
Nothing wrong with moving on and casually dating other girls as you said, it is good for your ego, good for your self esteem, and help you sort things out.
As far as your ex putting a different pic on Facebook, lol! that is funny, my ex did the same thing a couple of weeks ago when she added a profile on Tagged, she even looked me up and did a friend request, I off course did not really put up a profile, just some basic infpo and a pic of me...Well sure enough she searched me, and when I saw her pic, I was REALLY dissapointed. She was in a bathing suit and holding a beer, A BEER, what does that tell you? She is single and ready to party. Such a turn off, Remember 3 months ago we were still planning on having chlidren and were going to fertility clinics....so I said to myself, this is the girl I've been heart broken for? A girl with a beer on her hand...My point, women and men can do strange things when faced with tough situations, in this case, a break up...Her emotions and logic, reason, are probably going up and down....
So knowing this, I will let this pass, and TRUST that she is a good woman, was a good woman, and until I see otherwise (hear about her doing crazy partying, like she has done in her single past...) I will continue to love her until God changes my feelings for her...

So, if she does not come back to me, people are right, it wasn't meant to be....

Keep moving on, don't look her up on Facebook or anywhere...and enjoy your single life, I wish I was enjoying mine more, but everyday is getting better....babbling now...

[survivor08]

You don't have to ignore her, but don't be there for her all the time. If she really loved you, she'll definitely miss you. If she wants to be with you, she'll definitely miss you. Time only heals all wounds if she DOESN'T want to be with you.

I sort off know this...The other day my ex called, (I do not pick up) she leaves a sad sounding voicemail asking for a favor (dog sit) since she was out of town for work...
I call back some time later that day leave a message...told her I would be more than happy to do it, ANOTHER weekend, since I had plans to go camping....
She does not call back... Later on I call back...talk to her...she is angry sounding and saying how she needs to learn to figure things out on her own now....lol! good for her....that she had a tough day..yada yada yada...I told her that I am still there for her...sorry I could not do it that time..

She calls back some time later in the day to apologize fo her unfriendly behavior over the phone...I was over it, I told her not to worry....and left it at that....see....I did not engage in discussions....arguments...love declarations....etc. etc.

[Cain]

I sort off know this...The other day my ex called, (I do not pick up) she leaves a sad sounding voicemail asking for a favor (dog sit) since she was out of town for work...
I call back some time later that day leave a message...told her I would be more than happy to do it, ANOTHER weekend, since I had plans to go camping....
She does not call back... Later on I call back...talk to her...she is angry sounding and saying how she needs to learn to figure things out on her own now....lol! good for her....that she had a tough day..yada yada yada...I told her that I am still there for her...sorry I could not do it that time..

She calls back some time later in the day to apologize fo her unfriendly behavior over the phone...I was over it, I told her not to worry....and left it at that....see....I did not engage in discussions....arguments...love declarations....etc. etc.

Good.

I've stopped telling my ex that I loved her even though I still do and I know she still loves me. It just doesn't seem right to say it now. Our conversations have pretty much ceased. We rarely talk to each other and that's fine. We should be having a visit in September and I'm willing to leave contact at an absolute minimum until after the visit because we need things to discuss and I don't want to be tempted to discuss them over the phone.

Don't think that God will change your feelings for her. There's no such thing as fate or destiny or divine intervention. It's complete free will. You are the one that decides when you stop having feelings for her.

[survivor08]

Very true...very true...The problem, and this is a big problem for me, Is that I got attached to my ex.....so knowing that she will start dating again...the person whom I wanted to be the mother of my children...is now or will be getting nice and cozy and getting freaky with some other stranger....the thought alone IT HURTS...I think that it is a problem I have...and one I need to deal with...My goal is to intervene before it happens...otherwise my pride and new values and morals will not likely take her back if she goes back to her old ways....


but not to hijack...Cain makes sense...

First off, I'd like to say that Cain had some great advice.. Sounds like you're on the right track. Once you mentally disassociate from future thoughts and plans with your ex, then you can take the healthy steps to actually allowing you guys to get back together.

I would start to date around, but you need to be into it. Don't just go through the motions, but actually give these other girls a chance. Begin to allow something to happen with them.

Then, a little ways down the road, you'll probably talk to your ex or see her again, and you can have a very calm, casual, content energy, and she will pick up on that. And then, the ball may begin rolling again, but it will be from a healthy place, and you may even get back together stronger and more passionately than before.

[michzel creativ]

Be a friend to her first. It's easy to get back ex relationship, but its a case to case basis. Whether the two of you break up because of cheating and other negative break ups.
Its nice to start again to ex's because you don't have to know her better. You'll just correct the past wrong doings....

[Jackee]

If you are looking at a broken relationship, you may find that the idea of hoping to get your ex back is something of a distant fantasy, but the truth of the matter is that you have many options open to you and that it is completely possible. When you are looking to make sure that you can take a look at a way to get your ex back, you will find that there are plenty of options to choose from, so just make sure that you swing into action.

[IndiReloaded]

Do what Nisha said. Be her friend. You want her back, not to forget her, right?

Cain is NOT the expert on keeping relationships (sorry baby, but true).

If a friend broke off all contact with me b/c I was going thru a hard time & needed time to sort myself out, I would NEVER be interested in getting back with this person. Ever. Its a sign of selfishness, esp considering her situation.

You don't need to be her doormat, but you should be able to be understanding and decent.

Good luck.