I still have nights when I will wake up from a sleep in the middle of a night and turn over to hold her - and she's not there. Other times I would wake up kissing her - but she's not there. I dont think about her when I am awake most of the time - and I dont ever remember my dreams - Its just in the middle of the night the dreams will get so intense for me that I wake from them and for a few seconds I am still half dreaming and thats when I realize she is not there, but I was dreaming about her being there...
Its kinda depressing..
Another thing I do is call ppl her name. I have called just about everyone 'Destine'... Even my kids and my parents. I dont even think about her at all - it just comes out... There is one person I have not called that. Andira. When I am around her everything else just seems to go away. Even subconsciously...
But yeah - idk - I wish it would stop because its starting to kill me.
There are some things that will remind me of her - certain songs - certain clothes I wear - certain sayings - when I drive near the area that we lived...
I can't even listen to this 1 song at all anymore without crying - Hoobastank - The Reason. Thats the song I sang to her the day she left me. As I sang it she just walked out the door and out of my life for good.
Sometimes at night I will wake from a dream and just cry. I hardly ever cry anymore, but when I do cry it just flows. I will cry myself back to sleep.
The dreams happen less and less now - but they are more intense when they happen. My last dream I had I woke up and walked to the bathroom to go check on her because 'she had been in there a long time' - but she wasn't there... And when I snap to i just feel the worst feeling in the entire world. I cant explain it or even put it to words. It just hurts. Not physically at all, so I cant say its like a knife thru my heart or anything. Its deeper than that. It something that I never felt before this all happened. The feeling makes me want to puke it hurts so bad. Sometimes I get dry heaves because of it.
But yeah - this all happens less and less - but is getting more intense - I am down to about 1 dream every week. I haven't had a dream since Andira came back to town. But that was less than a week ago. So I am due for a dream with in the next few nights... Hopefully things have changed in these past 4 days since Andira is back. Maybe this is just going to make things worse for me - maybe i wont dream of Destine anymore - idk..
I will never take Destine back - I play by the rules of 'its over'. No more looking back. I do know one thing tho - its the only thing that can put a smile on my face while I am thinking of her. All I have to do is realize what is going to happen down the road - 6 months, maybe a year from now. maybe 2 years from now. But it is going to happen, and its going to make me feel sooo damn good when it happens....
She is going to realize what she lost. She is going to see me and my son and see just how good we have it. She is going to see me, and my new looks and think to herself 'why did I ever leave him?' She is going to see me with another woman and its going to drive her mad.
You should have seen her reaction when she found out I was out on a date with Andira Friday night. I wasnt there, but I heard about it. She stopped moving and froze in her place and just looked up at my dad (who told her) and repeated 'He went out on a date?!' then said all sarcastly 'well good for him, its about time he moved on'
But my dad told me he could tell it got to her. It felt good to know that. At least now I know she still feels pain. She deserves ALOT for what she did to me. Not really what, but how she did it. I dont wish anything bad on her because I beleive in Karma. But it does make me feel better to know she is jealous. lol
Anyways - i got a little carried away with this post.. Just me ranting a bit. Had to get all that off my chest. Felt good to do that too.
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