Does she still love me?

[voodoomedoodoo]

Hi everyone,

Need your help and opinions please.

My girlfriend of 5 years (we are actually engaged) has told me she doesn't love me anymore. I'll try to condense this as much as possible but we have had a stormy 5 years.

I've left 3 times. There are various reasons for this I suppose. I have little experience of long term relationships and I guess I wasn't really sure what I wanted. The first time I left I really did feel like this, and out of anger and pressure, told her I didn't love her anymore. This wasn't true and when I realised how stupid I'd been I begged her to let me back. The other 2 times were basically arguments that got out of hand and ended with me storming out.

Leading up to Christmas last year I felt a little lost. All of my friends have moved on in there lives and I didn't see them much anymore. I have realised since then that this was due partly to a lack of effort by me. My girlfriend didn't get out much either so we did rely a little too heavily on each other. My girlfriend then met some new people (another story altogther) and started going out now and again. Now I never resented her going out, I really didn't. I've always believed that your friends are an incredibly important part of your life and you need to see them, otherwise a relationship can become stale.

My problem was I wasn't getting myself out so I would get pissed off that I was sat on my own. This lead to me making snide comments when she came in which lead to arguments and things got really bad. I was miserable, but not with her and she was sick of the way I was acting and I don't blame her.

This lead to her telling me just after Christmas that she wasn't sure if she still loved me or wanted to be with me and that she'd 'changed'.

We have stumbled along since then trying to make things work and she does admit that I've tried really hard but every time we had a bit of a falling out (normal relationship stuff) I'd get the 'I don't think this is working' speech and everything would be bad again.

We have both had 2 weeks off work and because we needed to spend money around the house we decided to just have a couple of short trips away rather than a proper holiday (I wish now we'd got away for a week). We did have a good time, she seemed to enjoy my company and even suggested we have a look around some new houses and think of moving.

Literally 3 hours later she told me she still didn't love me and didn't think she ever would. I left and am gutted. We have spoken a couple of times since and she has said that she's really not sure whether she just needed the space or if she wants to leave me forever. She says she misses me and couldn't bear the thought of never seeing me again. I'm not sure if this is out of guilt or not but she does seem genuine.

I really do think she's got a stage where she can't let go of the past. I'm at a point, and this was before we split, where I really did know where I was and who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She on the other hand seems to have this idea of me in her head that she can't let go of. I'm the person who walked out 3 times, I'm the person who always had a comment to make when she went out and this has been eating away at her for months (she does kind of admit this herself). She says that now, when she's out she thinks I'm going to have something to say when she gets in and even though I don't, and being honest never even think it, it's making her resent me.

It's been a week now and I miss her dearly. Should I just give her the time she needs to get her head together and decide what she wants? I don't know what to do for the best, I don't want her to get used to not being with me. God I sound desperate and pathetic.

Any thoughts and ideas are welcome.

[Doc Durian]

Talk to her when you're clear with what you want/need from her. Propose to her that you have a pow wow, and when she's ready for it, to call you, because you have things you want to say to her and you want her to say what's on her mind.

Do your meeting of minds, walk away and do whatever you two come up with together.

[Yggdrasil]

The first time I left I really did feel like this, and out of anger and pressure, told her I didn't love her anymore.

The other 2 times were basically arguments that got out of hand and ended with me storming out.

me making snide comments when she came in which lead to arguments and things got really bad. I was miserable, but not with her and she was sick of the way I was acting and I don't blame her.

This lead to her telling me just after Christmas that she wasn't sure if she still loved me or wanted to be with me and that she'd 'changed'.

We have stumbled along since then trying to make things work and she does admit that I've tried really hard but every time we had a bit of a falling out (normal relationship stuff) I'd get the 'I don't think this is working' speech and everything would be bad again.

I really do think she's got a stage where she can't let go of the past. I'm at a point, and this was before we split, where I really did know where I was and who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She on the other hand seems to have this idea of me in her head that she can't let go of.

Any thoughts and ideas are welcome.

Yeah.. the problem is you, not her and it seems that you went to far and she pretty much had it with the immature crap.

On, off, on, off... nobody likes roller coaster rides.

You say you have worked on things. Have you really? I doubt it.

I dunno if this is salvagable. Somehow I doubt it. Not wanting to be the pessimist here, usualy I am not, but I think you screwed up once to many.

Women can be very resentfull.

The only chance I see is that you back off severely and let her come to you. I believe anything else is going to backfire.

I also strongly suggest that if you are so lucky that she decides to give it another shot with you, to actually work the issues (if required even go seek professional help) instead of doing lip service. This isn't something you can 'fix' without help.

Frankly I think your chances of winning the lottery are better.

[voodoomedoodoo]

Thanks for the honest, and very blunt replies.

I agree, 100 %. Sometimes I'm 37 going on 12 and yes in the past I have probably played little mind games.

I do honestly regret this now. It hit home when she thought she might be pregnant a few weeks ago. Turned out she wasn't and I was devastated. Never really been a kid person but now I know what I want.

Yes, I may well have driven her away and done this too many times for her to care anymore. I have admitted this all to her and I do deserve everything I get.

I honestly have worked on my issues. When little comments pop into my head I do purposely think 'Is there any need to say that', and I don't.

I may just have to let it go and think seriously about myself, where I keep going wrong and grow up a bit. If by some miracle she does take me back then I have one more chance to be happy, and I'd be a fool to mess it up.

[Frank Lee Blunt]

The only chance I see is that you back off severely and let her come to you. I believe anything else is going to backfire.

This single statement sums up my way of thinking as well. If there is any way you get her back, It will be because SHE DECIDES she wants YOU back. You will never convince her or sell her on the idea or change her mind by saying anything. It has to be HER idea.

For now, don't pressure her in any way, don't let her see that you are bothered and limit your contact.

Regards,

Frank

[DelicateRose88]

Not to be rude or anything, but you sound like you ahve some serious anger issues if any sign of trouble makes your want to give your girl the "this isn't working out" speech like that. You confuse her, of course after 5 years of it she's not sure if she loves you anymore. Give her some space, she'll come around.