Marriage after War

[Impulse]

I find no reasoning for the situation in which I find myself currently enduring. The pain at times is nearly unbearable, overwhelming my sense of where it is I am to go, or what I am to do. I look ahead and try to find a means to grasp the direction my life is to go, yet my fingers only hold onto air. It is never easy to lose, let alone let go, of someone you love so dearly. Regardless of what may have transpired in the past, of what turmoils tainted the bond that was held, you can't help but find yourself in despair, lost, and without hope.

You try as hard as you can to move forward, to find a means to push past it all, to even forget or find reasoning. But in the end your left with nothing. I still find myself sleepless, sometimes in tears as I look over and see no one. Hopeful that she'll come to rescue you, to grab a hold of you and return you to the reality that you so desire. Yet these are dreams. Not every story has a happy ending, those fairytale dreams nothing more than a mirage of your own mind. Facing this reality is as if you have run into a brick wall, knocking yourself back in an elongated daze.

The damages caused so deep that there is no means to heal it. I have tried as best as I can to turn this love into hate, to ease the pain that I now suffer deep within. This is how I attempt to reason with the choices made. I have lost my wife, the one I was to hold and cherish, to love unconditionally and support. I have hurt her to a point where she no longer loves me, cares for me or respects me as someone she called her husband. I have faced the truths of what my faults were, undeniably unforgivable as it seems.

Even with this understanding, I'm left to wonder why she hides, why she has done nothing to rectify the wrongs she had done. What has driven her to this point? I can't answer a lot of the questions I have in regards to what has transpired, but this confusion and wonder is what continues to further cause pain. There are no doubts that my time in Iraq had diminished the value of my marriage, changed not only myself but her as well. I suffered, not because of her, but because of what I had been through and the difficulties I was facing. To strain this difficulty even further, I was facing them without the love and support of the one I loved.

She knew what it was that I would face, what we would face. She studied these issues yet did nothing to resolve them. I wasn't aware of what truly was happening, yet she was and sat idly by and let it decay. Why would she not have brought this to my attention sooner? Why would someone you love not take you by the hand and lead you back? Did she want the marriage to fail? Was she searching for a means to escape something she no longer wanted? If this was the case, then why did she just not end it much sooner? And the most important question is why did I not see or understand all of this myself in the beginning?

Yet in the end, she found comfort in the arms of another after I had left. Why did I leave? Why didn't I just sit her down and explain what it was I was feeling? I believe the answer to that was simply, she wouldn't understand nor really 'listen' to what it was I was saying. I cried the day that I left, I knew I was walking away, that she would never forgive me, yet I saw no other means. I was in a situation where my wife would not listen when I reached out, would defer it or deflect it. Did she not want to hear?

I struggle now, I struggle to find a means to make it a distant memory and move on with a new life. Not a life I had sought nor wanted, but have been seemingly forced to fall into. Maybe it is the best, maybe my future now holds something more, but in the end, all I wanted was her, our family, our life.


To this day I still hold that small dream of her showing here before christmas, to take my hand and tell me things will get better. That she understands what I have gone through and that she, as a devoted wife will not abandon me when she was needed most. But reality, the harsh reality only shows that I again will never know what it's like to have her in my arms.

This is a bitter reality that myself, as a once proud soldier, faces. I am not alone in this, for the damages of war are not only within the war zone itself, but it consumes the life we once had all together at home. Families torn apart by lack of understanding, lack of will and loss of hope. I feel for those that are going through the same as I. I admire those that pull themselves out of this hole and find a means to move past it, to face their futures with their heads held high. I only hope that one day soon I will find myself in their shoes. But for now, today and tomorrow, I will look to that door and only dream.

[lhn]

Very well written. Poetry almost.

I feel for you and your situation. Heartbreak is awful and a very rough sea to ride with nothing but a log and a broken paddle.

Stay strong, stay resillient and allow time to do what it does best. To heal and to help those who need to be helped.

[cmacattack1]

Speechless. Just when you think your situation is bad.

Best of luck to you, I hope talking about it helps.

[James1388]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I actually had a cousin who went to iraq and when he returned he unfortunately committed suicide because it messed him up so much. I am not really sure what happened, since no one wants to talk about it but Iraq is not a good place to go.

Your situation is horrible but you need to think about what you have and not what you had. Try to stay as positive as possible and look to the future not the past.

[BoredGeorge]

Apparently more people have now died in Iraq than in Vietnamn. The war is not well publicised.

Mate if you've been at war all this time and she has pissed off with another man then she isn't worth it. Your a good person who has done a good thing. I don't care what anyone says about you or what happened with your wife. She should have been more understanding. Just forget about her. You owe it to yourself to have a good life. I sincerely hope you can get over her and move on.

[Impulse]

I do find myself looking ahead, wondering where my life may come to a rest. As today I received the divorce papers she had filed, signaling a for sure loss and an understanding that she shall not wrong her rights. It is an utter shame for an individual to chose to run from her misgivings rather than face them.

The pain, it shall remain, the memories forever there. Yet my heart smothers itself in a cacoon of concrete, sure to not let another violate it as it has been. The strength to continue moving forward is hard to find, increasingly difficult as the sands of time pass by, yet it's needed otherwise there would be no hope. I move forward with the realization that I am now alone and all that it may entail. I know I will again find the strength to love, to share my joys and pains with, it's all a matter of time. But until then, I cry as I have, internally scarred from the emotional suffering she has caused.

I am sorry to hear of those that have lost friends because of the ongoing struggles soldiers face as a result of war, I have lost many myself. I do thank those that have responded, as I will continue to reply until the day I find the strength to no longer linger on the past.