Originally Posted by the_menace
I think she's fighting inside on whether to keep me or not.
I guess the argument that we had the other night made her realize that she's old for me and it would take another 6-7 years before I can take care of her.
More accurately, I would surmise that she would prefer for you both to take care of
each other in terms of financial support.
I keep asking her to give me answers and she repeatedly said she doesn't have any. I asked her if all this is leading to us breaking up but she said not necessarily. I feel like there's still hope but at the same time, I can't seem to change her mind.
Forcing the issue generally won't be helpful in a relationship if the other person needs time to sort out their thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, it's not you who needs to change her mind- it's her. She may also react negatively that you're trying to force her into a decision that she's not ready to make.
I told her maybe I'm not good enough for her or she needs somebody older so he can take care of her. She told me that its not what she needs and just needs some time to think.
I'm thinking of not calling her anymore this week so she'll miss me. I want more...I want to know if she's still willing to be with me or not.
You need to be patient; showing the amount of desperation that your post has been expressing could push her away, which wouldn't be beneficial for either of you.
I can understand her dilemma from a personal viewpoint, so let me re-arrange a few details to try and clearify why she might be reacting in this way:
she lives an hour away from me and I only get to spend time with her during the weekends. She's ok with it but at the same time stressed because she gets lonely sometimes and I'm not there when she needs me.
Long distance relationships can be very straining, specifically because of the loneliness and difficulties associated with communication. The harsh fact is that she's correct: there's a five out of seven chance that you won't be present when she needs your support. Because of the distance she likely understands that you won't always be available except via telephone, and will make the best of what support you're able to offer through that medium. Many people are able to adapt to those situations, however the longer it's required, the more difficult it becomes.
(I should also mention that video conferencing over the internet can help immensely when a relationship is operating at a distance.)
Can you imagine from her standpoint how difficult it would be to continue that for ten years, or even five? By continuing to proceed through college on your current timeline, you're acknowledging that you're content to live with that lifestyle for a good while longer.
I love her to death and I feel like I'm going to throw up when I think of our times when she used to say "I love you" to me.
I can imagine her reading a statement like that and replying, "I love him the same way, yet despite his love he's never there for me; I try to manage as best I can because I care, but I can't do it forever."
You've shown your priorities, and unfortunately they may be mutually exclusive with a commited and loving relationship because of the distance involved. If that's the case, you're showing that schooling is your priority- not her. This doesn't mean that you're at fault in any way or should dramatically alter your lifestyle to sustain the relationship, but it certainly limits your options and may rule out some all-together. Whether that includes a long-term relationship depends on the people involved.
I drove home last night feeling I'm in the worst situation and I don't care if I die.
Unfortunately you may need to strongly rethink your schooling plans if you can't find a compromise with your partner.
I know this may sound pathetic but I'm willing to do anything to get her back
Including abandoning all of your schooling? How far are you willing to go in order to retain that loving relationship? If you can't find a compromise, which will you choose?
Its not officially over but I'm just depressed that she's making me worried about what's going to happen next. She told me to calm down
Listen to her.
Is it really necessary for someone to say that they need their space when the drawback is you're hurting the other person? I mean, I don't get it...why make me depress?
"Which is better: a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?"
Would you prefer her to be dishonest, or would you prefer her to be genuine so you both can work towards a mutual solution?
I haven't done anything to hurt her which upsets me and I'm upset that she's not giving me the chances.
She gives you chances every day that you're together and apart. When will you give
her a chance to stay in the relationship? A relationship is between two people, not ten years of schooling and a few hours on the side to spend with each other. If both partners aren't willing to work towards a balance, regardless of how difficult the balance is to maintain, the relationship is already over. I personally wouldn't consider your relationship balanced, from reading your posts.
I'm thinking of not calling her anymore this week so she'll miss me.
It might work, or it might not; either way it solves nothing in the long term. If she realizes you've done it simply to prompt a reaction, you've just succeeded in pushing her farther away.
If you're in the same situation, how would you feel and how would you deal with it?
Over the past few years, I've spend a large amount of time attempting to decide if I would be able to participate in a relationship with a woman who was persuing many years of schooling. Unfortunately, every time I spend a few hours pondering on the scenario, I always arrive at the same conclusion: there are too many variables, which makes it impossible to answer that question. In all likelyhood, I would arrive at a point in time similar to the one being experienced by your partner, which is why I tend not to be interested in entering into relationships that will obviously be highly strained for a long period of time.
In contrast, a simple long distance relationship would be welcome because although the setting would be abstract for a period of time, it would not always be that way. Whether it took six months or three years, eventually my partner and I would be living together, or at the very least, within a short driving distance.
Though the same difficulties that you experience are typically present in a long distance relationship, they're for a finite amount of time- the ultimate goal of any relationship is for the two partners to share their lives together. If that goal is in sight, three years away in a long distance relationship, adapting and sustaining the relationship until that time is a possibility. If the goal is ten years away, it's still a finite amount of time, however especially if the relationship tends to take a back-seat compared to other matters, the chances of sustaining the relationship are slim.
The simple statement that summarizes this post is thus:
Your partner loves you and wants to continue the relationship, but a relationship works both ways. Typically both people are willing to work out the difficulties and endure the hardships in a relationship, as those are an important part of the companionship offered. If one partner is continously absent, the other will do his or her best to adapt, however once it reaches a point where the person believes the relationship is no longer receiving the support it needs to continue, other options need to be considered.
Your partner may be at a point where she's simply unable to continue the relationship because of the imbalance and hardship. She has obviously been trying to remain a part of it, however there don't seem to be many options available. I suggest that you take a strong look at the entire situation and then invest a concerted effort into providing stability for the relationship. If you aren't prepared to sacrifice some of the things you're retaining in exchange for a mutually acceptable compromise (or set thereof), your parter's consideration of ending the relationship may be appropriate.
