She wants a break, but It's a long distance relationship

[papichoulo]

I have been dating my girlfriend fo the past two years, we moved from from New york to Florida a coupes of months after we started dating. Due to my work sitution and that my I missed my son still in NY, I had to move back a couple months later. We been having a long distance relationship for a little over a year. We discussed that I would finish grad school and move back to FL then and get married. I must admit I was unshure this last couple of week about going to FL and asked her if wanted to come back to NY instead because I missed her very much and she hated her job. She said flat out no she will not come come back to NY. At fisrt I was upset but then I wanted to make it work so again I changed my position back to going to FL in the next 6 months.

In the past few of weeks I've been calling her and she doesn't pick the phone and when she say she'll call back, she doesn't, hanging out with new friends, acting indifferent when we speak. I figured something was wrong. Today I finally spoke her after calling her all weekend about my decision to come back to FL she then tells me she needs a break from the relationship. She's overwheled with the relationship, needs time to figure out what she wants. Furthermore she was not open to the idea of me moving back. She said there's no one else in the picture, I asked if she loved she said yes, but again her actions lately have not shown that. I objected at first I told her that I love very much, I want a future with her, and we can get through this. But that ddi not convince her to change her mind at all. She added I can call her to say hello, but do not mention the relationship or any future plan. Now remember this is a long distance relationship I feel that we in some ways we have physical break already we don't see each other everyday, anything more is just like breaking up. I'm confused I have never been on break before and feel that a break is like been on the fence not commiting to either staying together of breaking up. Furthermore I can't help but feel the reason she just doesn't want to break up is because she's still financially dependent on me (I pay half the rent, the car note, the lease and the the utilities are all my name), and wants to milk me until she finds someone else.

I'm not sure if should call her or not altough she said I can, I feel calling would show a sign of weakness and insecurity, since I knows exactly how I feel about her, the relationship and future plans. I will give her some time, but how long should wait until I get her to commit to a decision, I don't want this break to drag out for long knowing that paying for someone I'm not with. I'm looking for both the male and female perspective please help I'm confused right now.

[Clifton]

K this is what you do dude, first, stop paying her bills, second, stop calling her, **** HER. if she wants you, let her show YOU that, you cut her off financially and verbally, thats going to be a big change for her, and her reaction will be what leads to either a full breakup, or getting back together, dont let her play you dog.

[sfalexi]

Jesus Christ. You're paying bills for someone who lives really far away and doesn't want you to move in with them, and doesn't want to leave to move in with you?

I have some bills too. I fit that criteria. Feel like chippin' in?

[wholenote]

Yah, one thing I see in common in many of these threads (and was pointed out to me in my own) is that the person doing the Break (or distancing, or whatever they choose to call it) seizes a certain amount of control--- they often set rules, like "don't talk about the relationship"--- usually limiting exactly the part the other person *needs* to deal with.

This is not good--- if it's really a relationship, however strained, both parties have to be willing to tread some uncomfortable waters to try and fix what's wrong. If someone needs a day or two to 'cool off' that's okay, but this indefinite-holding-pattern tactic I'm seeing so much of is beyond selfish. It's controlling and manipulative.

I won't even touch the money issue; I think others have already done that. But you two aren't just dating, you're probably considered married in some small foreign countries! I suggest you insist on some real communication in this situation.

[jakki2903]

STOP PAYING HER BILLS - SHE IS MAKING A MUG OF YOU and you deserve better.

I am totally shocked by this callous woman who seems that she just wants the money from you but wants to break up.

It will be emotional torture (I know been there last week) so stay connected to her - you have to cut all ties and if she comes back to you then your meant to be - if not - time will heal and you'll realise how much better off you are.

Your obviously a man with a great heart and you deserve the same back. Give her a day or too - that's it - do not torture yourself - you have to love you first and that's the most important thing and best advice I can give.

All the best.

[joe schmoe]

what clifton said, wake up dude, get the ball back in your court, u have the power in this 'relationship' (u pay the bills..), cut her off and if she comes back cool but i think you'll find she just find herself another sugar daddy

[reallybored79]

I know how hard it can be, I pay my ex girlfriends cellphone bill still. Give her a few more days of space, don't call her except if you need to ask a practical question. In a few days call her up and say that you need to talk. She may not like it but you've waited and there are some things you need to know. Tell her that if she wants to see other people that is fine, but you need to figure some things out for yourself as well. Once you get your answer decide what you need to do with the bills. I told my ex that she had a week to find a new cell phone plan and come this weekend I am cancelling the bill. It's hard for me because I know that means the end of things for us. Sometimes you just need to accept things as they are, no amount of money or calling or you loving her can change that. She needs to figure her own stuff out, it really stinks but there isn't a magic solution. In the meantime make sure the rest of your life isn't suffering.

[sfalexi]

Seriously, my credit card debt could use some help. I'll tell you what, I'll even throw in a bonus. If you call me, I'll call back. That way you'll be helping me financially but getting MORE than you are from her.

[TheRealPsiPhi]

I agree with everything already said. Seriously, how much space does she need? You don't see her for months on end. She goes out with her friends a lot apparently. Sounds like she is doing whatever she wants now. Hell! You called her to talk and she couldn't cause she was going out with her friends?! That's messed up. Do you really think she'll even give a minute to your relationship right now? She has you right where she wants you. Leashed. Don't let her control you.

Don't pay her bills, don't talk to her, try to keep occupied.

Spend some time with your child.

[blue]

there is someone else

[kronos51]

I agree with wholenote completely. Its not just her that needs to deal with things, let her know that you have feelings too and that there needs to be communication regardless. Without communication a break *is* a breakup. However, if you can get her to talk to you then you will be able to gain closure one way or another, either work things out or work through things to the point that you can see it needs to end.

[turbomx3]

OK I read what you said and I read what everyone else said. OK I loved my girl more than anything but i'd cut out my right ball before I pay for some (i'll be respectful and not use the H word) girl to go out & hang with friends, use the car, utilities which is gas, elec, water, and phone (which she isn't even answering which is f'd up). Man I felt angry reading your thread firstly if all bills are in your name you can phone them and get them cancelled (don't tell her), phone the car people thats in your name get that cancelled (don't tell her), in fact anything in your name cancel (don't tell her). finish it end it no mickey mouse business just END IT and this may sound CRAP but don't call her sorry ass let her call you and then you can either answer the phone or leave it at some point you got to flip from being a door mat to a man if you read my thread you'll find i'm probably one of the most romantic dudes your gonna talk to! Not a piece of neanderthal mentality. But I hate bullies and your being bullied a bully doesn't only throw insults or hit people a bully can also be someone who manipulates feelings and fears! Screw her your wanting someone who sounds to have long stopped caring and if she cares let her pay her own way and then care. I remember an old saying see a fool use a fool! The question is are you a fool? It sounds like she seems to have mistaken a loving man for a weak man! GRAAAGGHHHHHHHH! She made me feel so mad, vex, angry PO'd and I don't even know the girl!