my long heartbreak story. advice? thoughts?

[lovelostlady]

I am pretty much a mess right now. my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. my situation is extremely confusing and painful. I'd really appreciate some thoughts and advice on this, but I figure for everyone to really understand everything going on here I must tell EVERYTHING, our entire history. this may take a couple posts. i hope someone out there likes to read a lot and is very patient. so here is our long long saga:

about three years ago, a friend of mine set me up with a friend of her boyfriends cause she thought we would hit it off. we met once, i was smitten, he seemed to be too. after our meeting he said we should just remain friends. I didnt want to just be his friend and was upset, I agreed though. but eventually after a couple of weeks we ended up going out on dates. we really started to like eachother a lot. he wasnt like other boys id known. he was pretty much exactly what I looked for in a boy. after about a month and a half, things were going very well. I suspected this may become my first long relationship. he was very into me as well. then one day I got a phone call from him. he said "this relationship isnt working", his only reasoning being "Im weird...or something". nothing at all had happened leading up to that when i emailed him for further explanation, he said he couldnt really explain it. I was pretty shocked and upset. (btw, to this day he never really explained that. he said that it was a terrible mistake and that he cried for days over it. but I do know that at the time his dad was having heart problems and he thought that he might die)


eventually we became friends again. we hung out a bit. I still was really into him, but let it go. I would rather have him as a friend rather than nothing at all. we shared so many of the same interests. our personalities complimented eachother rather well. I had never met anyone I was so compatible with, even just as a friend. however it was still clear that we were both special to eachother, different than other friends. I recall once him telling me that he had never met anyone like me before and he told me in all honesty that I was such a good-hearted person that it gave him hope for the world. we both dated other people for a bit. neither of our relationships worked out. and we became closer and closer.


eventually he pursued me again. this time our connection and friendship was so strong. still i had just gotten out of short-lived relationship and told him to give me some time so he did. it had been a year since we'd last dated. I still adored the boy. innocent dating became a full-fledged long-term relationship with time. a year and six months to be exact. our relationship was just amazing. we are both sweet, respectful and sensitive people, so we never had a lot of problems. sometimes my insecurities caused little arguments but never anything big. we were both always quick to apologize and very open with everything. we spent a lot of time together but gave eachother space and friend-time. he was so loving and thoughtful. he was constantly telling me how beautiful i was, how much he loved me, how lucky he was. and i could always tell he was sincere. everyone was so jealous of our relationship. while we both are quite young (im 20, he's 21) it just seemed like the forever kind of relationship. however, i was always careful to say anything related to marriage (i wouldnt want to get married so young anyways) because he would always act weird.


a few months ago my sister got married. so he went along with me to the rehearsal dinner and wedding, met a lot of my family, spent a bit of time with them. he was very nervous and overwhelmed by all this, but we'd been together for so long that it was inevitable. everyone at the wedding kept saying "are you guys next?" and i just laughed and brushed it off, like "not yet". when I was walking down the aisle (i was her maid of honor) I saw him and he was looking at me like I was just the most perfect woman alive..such a loving look on his face.


since school started in late august, we have become settled in this little routine. things have been a little boring. but thats just because we both have been very busy with school and work that when we are together we are too tired to do much so we just sit around and watch tv late. we still tried to fit in fun whenever we could. about a month ago, we're having a boring night after work. we cant find anything to do, we're both a little grumpy. out of nowhere he says "how do you feel about this relationship?", i said "good" except i wish we got to see eachother more, but i understood we were both so busy. he says he has been feeling guilty, feeling like he didnt know what else to give me, feeling "burned out" and "dried up". i told him he didnt have to give me anything. if he gave me his love, that was enough, anything else we could work out. so after a long talk and many tears, we (he) decided that we were going to take a break. i was upset, but if it would make him feel better then i would do it. he assured me that he didnt want to lose our relationship and thats why he was doing this. the day after our "break" he called me and asked how i was. i lied and said "ok". i wasnt ok. neither was he. he was quite upset. he said that he didnt want to hurt me, that he wished he could understand all of the things that went on in his head, that he didnt want me to hate him. i comforted him, told him it would all be ok, that i understood sometimes couples have to take time away from eachother. he was crying, he was so upset. and he rarely cries. he kept saying "you know i love you, sweetie. you know that". there were never any rules set for our break. I asked if he'd rather I didn't call him, and he started crying and said "i dont know...". however he still called me every few nights the first week or so and told me he loved me.

so the little "break" didnt work out too well. we worked together. so we had to see eachother. and when we did, it wasnt good. i would get very emotional and upset. i tried to be good about it, but when i see him everyday at work, but know that i cant go over to his house after no matter how much i want to, it hurts. what can i say? so one night at work, it was the same thing. I was upset, and i was pmsing, so i was especially emotional. i missed him. i was tired of the break. as i was leaving work, he walked me out. i said i was sorry for acting how i was, and that i just missed him so much. he hugged me, i said i loved him, he said he loved me. but he was different. he seemed so cold and distant. i ignored it though, and went home and went to bed and told myself everything would be fine.


so later that night i get a phone call. its him. he seems very upset. i get upset. so he just says hes going to come over and talk to me. so he did. he prefaced it all with "you know you're my best friend, my only friend these days really" i said to him "look at me, i know you cant look at me and tell me you dont love me", he said "you're right, i would never try to do that". then he got really emotional. he was bawling hysterically, he could hardly talk. and once again, he is not a big crier. he was very upset. he said he couldnt do it anymore, that he couldn't give anymore. he kept saying that. that he had no more to give. i pleaded and said "i know you have more to give! you just dont know it". he kept saying "no!" he held me, cried, said that im the last person on earth he'd want to hurt, that he loved me, that his feelings for me havent changed, that he doesnt want me to hate him. i said "god, i wish you could love me the way i love you", this made him very upset and he said "no! that isnt true! dont say that or think that". he said he couldnt give 100% like me because he wasnt the wonderful, sweet person that I was (which is not true!). then he said that he wasnt erasing me from his life, that we'd still be best of friends and that we'd still see eachother. he called me when he got home and we talked a little more about it. then he said i could talk to him the next day. i woke up, feeling awful and i just drove over his house (probably not the best idea) and just sat there and cried. he didnt say much. he just sorta sat there. he told me it would all be ok. then we worked together that night. we acted normal for awhile. then i got upset again, he came up to me and asked "Are you ok". unbelievable. "no im not." he said, we'll talk about this later, nows not a good time.

the next day, as I was an emotional wreck, I wrote him this long letter. it wasn't necessarily a plea to get back together, it was a plea to think about things. I told him I thought that he had more to give (and I do) that he just doesn't know it. and that I wasn't asking anything of him. I apologized for how I acted during the break, that I was being emotional and needy and it wasnt fair to him, and that if I had it to do over again I would do it differently. I said that I loved him and I knew he loved me, so it was hard to just let go without a fight. I told him that all relationships have their ups and downs and you have to work through the down to get to an up again. I also said that we may need to give eachother some time, because I also needed time to think about things. but i told him that I didn't expect anything of him, just wanted him to think about the things I said in the letter.

[lovelostlady]

since then we have worked together a number of times. it has been getting better. in the beginning, we were afraid to even make eye contact, both of our emotions were all out of whack. one night (about 2 weeks after the breakup) by advice of a friend, I talked to him and asked him if he wanted to get lunch sometime. I was very calm and collected. he was still acting weird at that point. he said that he wasn't trying to be a jerk. I said I understood. he said it was really hard making the transition so fast and that we needed to take things slow. he looked like I was cornering him and he looked a little uncomfortable, I dont understand why though because i was being totally calm. I guess he doesn't know how to deal with it either. but we did end up having lunch. it was ok. we just chatted and bit over pizza, and that was about it. I think it may have been a little early to have lunch as friends, but it went fine. when ive worked with him since, we've warmed up to eachother a little more. we joke around as we always did. he always makes a point to say something or do something funny and tease me whenever I'm around. I have completely given him space. I've only called him once since the breakup and it was a brief conversation just to tell him about a bonus that we're getting at work.

however I am still confused as to why we are broken up. but i know if i confront him about it, it will only push him away more. I don't know what to do. I want him back, what can I say? I think because of the "break" time, and how I was, he felt so overwhelmed with guilt that he had to get out, like that he had to stop hurting me altogether. i know that I can be emotional and needy at times and thats something I need to work on. but this was nothing new to him and he has had no problems dealing with it before. he'd always just be like "calm down, silly girl, everything is fine". if it had been an issue he had with me, it would have been only fair that he discussed it with me. the fact that he has broke things off with me before for "reasons he cant explain" and majorly regreted it makes me wonder whats going on with him. how do I remind him of what we had without pushing him away? everyone says the whole "if you love them let them go..." and "give him space to figure things out" and i have. but some guys are different. some need a little nudge. I know this boy well and I know that even if he was sitting at his house right now, feeling like he wanted to die because he missed me so bad, he would not call me. he just wouldnt. even if he wanted to. thats just the type of person he is. and as far as a friendship goes, which I definitely want first and foremost because he is the best friend ive ever had, I feel like its his place to initiate friendship from here. but I know his mindset, and he will feel like he hurt me so bad that if I still wanted him as a friend it would be my choice. gosh why is he so complicated?


i know hes a sweet person, i know he loves me, and i know he is experiencing intense guilt that he doesnt know how to deal with. none of this makes any sense to me, because everything was fine. he never mentioned any issues he had with me. I never asked anything of him. I did everything to keep us happy. I put so much of myself into this relationship. he did too, until the end, when he seems to have just fallen apart and given up for reasons that make no sense to me. and I KNOW he still loves me. I know when he looks at me, there is still that love there. i have tried to consider the fact that maybe he did just fall out of love with me, but I just don't believe it. I would have known, one can usually tell when that is the case. and if anything, he is always an honest person. I don't think that he could lie to me about that, even to save my feelings. and I highly highly doubt this has anything to do with another girl. i would be utterly shocked if that were the case. I dont think he wants to "play the field" even though he is a young guy, if you knew him you'd know that isnt the case.i think it is all in his head.

just a little background. my parents are like the most wonderul people on earth. theyve been together for almost 35 years and have a loving relationship. I have never had any issues at all with being in a relationship. his parents are still together. but he has never been very close to his mom. while i like her, she has always seemed a bit cold in general. he doesnt seem to feel any connection to her. and right now one of the main issues in his life is the fact the she is in another state, taking care of her sick mother. she has been gone for a couple of months and he doesnt know if shes ever coming back. he has always felt like he needed to take care of his father, especially now that she is gone. i think maybe he has been feeling stress like he has to take care of his dad and me (although i dont ask anything of him!).

did you get through all of that?? congrats and thank you so much if you did!

[turbomx3]

It sounds like your boyfriend, ex, friend has some long standing issues which only he can resolve. My advice would be to stay as friends it will probably burn you to do just this! The basis of my advice is that he's a nice guy he sounds like a nice guy and you sound like a nice girl but with all the issues I think he needs a really good friend and not a girlfriend! The thing is you both sound like really good people who in a perfect world you guys would be perfect. Thats all I can say I know you probably may of wanted someone to trell you how to get him back and maybe one of the guys here can but my advice is stay as friends not just for now but until he's ready to take things further and you feel he's ready to take things further and once he can explain the past two situations to allow you to understand the situation.

[schueys_girl]

as hard as it is mate you need to really back off and give him space. I dont know this guy at all but it seems to me a little of him having his cake and eating it in some ways, i.e. still messing around with you at work etc. Are you going to be able to be JUST friends with him if it comes to that? If not then tell him and completely back off, no contact at all as harsh as it seems. As for work, where do u work? is it possible for you to leave and get another job if it comes to giving him complete space? for example if you simply work on a bar or waitressing etc you could always leave and get the same job elsewhere.

The whole point i am trying to make is for him to actually realise what he missing from you he needs to be able to miss you completely as a person, which means withdrawing yourself completely from him for a while, as it seems he has a lot in his head he needs to deal with.

I know its hard to do, believe me i have done it myself and am happy to report it works. 6 months after a split me and my ex got back together end of July, and life couldnt be better now.

Good luck -x-

[lovelostlady]

thanks for your replies. and thanks for actually reading all of that. ha!
turbomx3- I agree with your advice. I think its important for him to understand that I still want his friendship and that I don't want him harboring all of this guilt because I am ok. honestly, I really just want his friendship at this point. he is truly my best friend, and he said I was his, and its hard not being able to communicate with anymore. i definitely think he needs time to straighten things out in his head. he thinks too much sometimes.
schueys girl- I agree. it definitely would have been a good idea if id quit work from the beginning. but no we're in holiday season and it would be too hard to find a job right now plus I would feel bad leaving them at this time of year. I almost feel like its good for us to work together, because it forces us to deal with eachother. i think for some people absence makes the heart grow fonder. but he might have a little "out of sight, out of mind" streak to him. I just want him to know that im still here for him and still am his friend. if i quit it would be saying that I dont care anymore. I know its dumb of me, but sometimes its like "well at least i get to see him at work today..." pathetic, i know. and I honestly dont think he is being mean with the giving me attention at work. he is acting just as he did before and I think he is trying to make me feel better about our friendship.

[schueys_girl]

well mate you know this lad, so you are probably right. Tho i do feel that everyone has a bit of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'out of sight out of mind' in them anyway, just depends on how much they actually miss you whether they come after you again

[turbomx3]

Schuey's girl is right about the absence making the heart grow fonder theory everyone does have it a bit.

Working with him does force him and yourself to get along stay a friend and as I say to the guys if you only want to be a friend due to wanting to get him back then you need to leave him alone but if it's based on being a friend (Which it does sound like it is) then be one!

But point out that there's to be no more funny business as it's confusing the friendship. Like I said let him sort his stuff out as his confusion is affecting you to a pretty big level (two pages of a thread worth ). If anything else comes of it remember a relationship is based on honesty a friendly one or a sexual one he does/should owe you an explanation about what happened those two times but not at the moment, he sounds like he has loads on his plate.

I truly think you two should try other partners hey some soul mates are never destined to be lovers and some are! You two sound like your pretty much destined to be friends as in true friends.

Oh and with christmas and new years coming up and throwing in alcohol no christmas snogs with him or new years sex as this will totally mess up both your heads! And that is not a good way to start new years.

Oh and don't get friendship confused with wanting you as a girlfriend when you receive a present and card from him regardless of what it says.

[Rawrsers]

I know it might break your heart to hear what i have to say and believe me it's breaking my heart to follow it - (i'm in a similarly messy situation to yourself) - but i think that the best thing to do is to let go of this dream. I know how much it is going to hurt you, but can't you see how much damage it has already caused you? He has no right to mess you around like this, whatever his 'problems'. You're beautiful and you deserve better so don't be bitter about this but move on - show him that you've moved on - smile and mean it - and just continue to be friends - 'Partners may come and go, but friends last forever'. You're young. He doesn't know what he's missing! Do you really want to let him hurt you all over again and himself in the process? You say he loves you - does he really or are you self-delusional? If he loves you and you truly know this and am not in denial, then fight - fight until the end. If not then i'm afraid you're going to have to go through some emotional pain by letting go, but it will be worth it in the end. This isn't healthy or fair to either of you! Good luck!

[lucasshapiro]

Yeah you gotta give up..