can i save "us"?

[koma]

I guess everyone that pots in this forum does it for the first time as do i.
I just need to vent whats happend to anyone who will listen so here goes.
tonight my fiance told me she needs some space to think ( obv i know what this means ) however i know she still loves me but the curcumstances around her descision are not exactly normal, shes from a muslim family and is muslim herself im from no religious background of which you could speak of ,to marry i needed to convert to islam which i did in a heart beat, for her id do anything , ive given up my life that i had before and tried to do as best i can learning to read arabic and do the prayer. Im also a sufferer of reynauds disease and need medication to control it unfortunatly teh medication causes a side affect which untill i had to up my dosage i was unaware of , that being depression the last couple of months saw me spiral into depression, i had no clue as to what was causing it untill two weeks ago when i read an article so i came off the meds and began to feel better. However my actions whilst on teh medication were not what i normlly act like. i became very insecure about our relationship and to cut a very long story to just a long one. as im feeling better i asked her if she was ok as i knew the strain id put us under she let it all out thinking i was being insecure again and said she wants time to think ive done the crying i have no tears left inside me to cry and im just numb now. i tried to explain about the medication and im feeling secure and was happy and i just wanted to make sure she was ok but to no avail. I wont contact her i know i have to let her contact me. but i know the wait will be really painfull. is there a way i can salvage this ?
please excuse the poor typing.

[schueys_girl]

Sorry to hear about your situation mate. Like you said you need to not contact her and wait for her to get in touch. It is a very hard thing to do, so whenever you feel lonely reach for the phone and call someone else, or come on here and have a chat. Without knowing more background info (how old you are, how long you have been together) and obviously without knowing you fiancee it would be hard for me to say she will come back, but it sounds like you had a pretty solid relationship before and things just got too much for her.

As best as you can, try and enjoy life and get on with things, and let her miss you so she will come back. best of luck -x-

[cycletease]

What kind of medication do they have you on for the Raynaud's? How serious is your condition? Aside from the medication what other effects is this having on your life?

It looks to me like we have two issues here.

1) You, because of medication, etc, are tending towards depression. Clinical depression is different than being sad, it is actually a physical state of chemical imbalance. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Generally, the physical depression is also linked to psychological distress. If you are feeling specifically insecure about your relationship there might be other issues that you need to address here. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds to me like you might benefit from talking to a professional.

2) Your girl is now feeling unsure of your relationship. Now this might be because of your behavior. If so, she has a valid concern. If you will have potentially be on medication like this for the rest of your life, being married to you will mean that this is something that she will have to cope with. She has the right to question whether she wants that life.

You do not know for sure that your depression is the only thing that is causing her doubts. She may very well have other concerns that do not relate to the medication.

Now, she says she wants some space, GIVE IT TO HER. If you are constantly hanging around she cannot sort through the things that are bothering her. She will come to you when she is ready.

What you need to do is show her that you are stable, not depressed and not obsessive. Give her the space...don't go off and start dating other people. If she wants to talk, talk to her...be yourself but don't do any begging or anything else that is going to make her question your mental state.

Keep us posted on your progress. I am worried about you, make sure that you seek some help if your depressive state starts returning.

[koma]

she came on msn and talked to me i decided to just be myself as anything else she would see through and wouldnt be right, we talked and laughed just like we were jus a couple of months ago and she said it " omg youre back " i told her "ive been trying to tell her that" n she said she still needs to think which is fine i totally understand her being weary. I guess baby steps are where we're at she mentioned doing stuff when " we're married" so i think things will be ok (inshallah). We said goodnight i didnt say i love you i didnt want to preasure her into saying it back. thanks for your comments i took on board what you all said and you helped me put in perspective my emotions and I thank you and I will keep you posted my depression is gone and i wont let it return i assure you. for every bad situation there is allways hope.

[cycletease]

This is a very good start! I am glad things went well!!!

[schueys_girl]

Same here mate, glad things went well

[koma]

too keep you all updated, i dont know where things are going shes not wearing her engagement ring but when we were talking she was talkin about doing stuff when we are married now shes stepping back and teh wedding is off.

i got the "its not you its me " line and i know that means its me ive been trying really hard to make this work.

i think im flogging a dead horse she, huged me today as i saw her for the first time in a week and she said it felt weird then put a little innocent emoticon, says im sexy but then pulls away emotionally. ive told her if she wants it to jus be over then ill walk away and wont bother her or hassle her.

i dont know if im comming or going the changing goal posts are driving me insane also my dad has been diagnosed with cancer and is going on chemo so my judgement isnt what it normaly is as im stressed out.

[Frasbee]

No, you can't, but I can!

[squirrley]

Youre on the ride of your life...you will have ups and downs, and you will be up when she says something positive, and then down when she doesnt. Youre starting to depend on her for your happiness. You cant do that. Ive learned that the hard way in a past relationship. Let her have her space, its not you, she's going through some emotional turmoil and you will be too because of it. But you have to find things to keep you busy. I dont mean avoid her, talk to her, let her know youre there without the added pressures like youve done. I know you want to save your relationship, when you care about someone to the lengths you do, you'd do anything for that person. But truth is, the more you try to help her, the more you push her away. Ive done this myself. I want to talk all the time about how Im feeling about things, and or ask him what he's thinking, how he's feeling, etc. But I wont for I respect him too much. I just start talking to other people when I feel this NEED to want to talk.

Just give this time, no matter what you also need to start looking out for yourself, and making your own self responsible for making your life the best it can be, on your own. When you put so much faith in someone else, the pressure is surmountable. When you take care of yourself and meet your own needs, its easier to cope with in the long run. There will be many ups and downs through this phase, trust me I know. But, knowing you care the way you do, and knowing how you feel about this woman, than youre going to be ok. But dont place ANY expectations on her, otherwise you will start to feel disappointment when she doesnt come through for you. Just get yourself in a position of where youre happy with yourself, and things will come together the way theyre meant to be...sometimes it takes a step back or break for someone to understand or realize, and it sometimes its not always in our favor, but if youre ok with your own life, you'll be ok in the long run...hang in there! You'll get through this!

[koma]

i wrote her an email, told her i think we both need our space and that i dont think i was helping her sort her feelings out, that im not ending it and i still love her but she needs to sort her feelings out before we can move on/forward and also im here when she feels ready .
as you said squirrley maybe i was pushing too hard to fast so im backing off but letting her know im here. i hope this was the right move but tbh i cant go on throwing up after everytime we speak cos i feel sick after we do so im hoping this time will also help me sort myself out too as i know im not sorted out either .