It's so hard to move on! Have I made the right decision?

[bee]

My ex-boyfriend ended our long-distance relationship but at first he told me that it was a break and that he doesn't want to close any door behind us! Even though we were already broken up, he came to spend the Easter break with me! We both wanted to spend the break together! He was really sweet, caring and affectionate with me and we spent some time talking about our situation but when he was leaving he still said that he hasn't change his mind about us. anyway, he still sent me few emails and texts after! I was not sure how to reply and when I did, he got upset because I didn't reply earlier! he then apologised saying that he was sorry to be upset but that he was worried i will not talk to him anymore.. we then exchanged some conversations on msn..he kept saying that he doesn't want to be with me now but he doesn't want to loose me completely! so I kept hoping but at the same time he told me that I should forget about us and move on! So I finally decided to do that because i hurt too much to hear it from him! But the only way for me to move on was to cut all contact with him at least for now! However, I made this decision because I had no other choice not because I wanted to do it! It hurt me to make this kind of decision because I still love him and I still miss him! However, he was upset because I had decided that! our last msn chat was quite hard because he was crying.. anyway, even though I decided to cut all contact with him for now I still feel so scared that I might have lost him for good and there is no chance for us later on in the future!!?

I sent him an email on Friday morning! I felt like I had to do it to get peace in mind! Here is what I wrote:

I would like to say to you that the reason why I decided to cut contact for now with each other is because I know that I need to respect your decision. I know that if I stay in contact with you I would not be able to respect it fully and I would be still asking you questions about us and I know that right now it's not something you need and want from me. When you said to me that I should move on and forget about us, I knew that the only way I can do it is not to stay in contact with you for some time. I honestly didn't mean that it's for good. I want you to know that it's extremely hard for me to do that because I miss you and you are still very special and important for me but I had to follow my mind this time and not my heart! It may have sounded to you on msn that it wasn't important to me but the truth is that it is very extremely important for me! I had to decide something that I am not exactly happy with but I knew I had to!

My aim is not to forget you or loose contact with you for good! It's not at all!! It's to become stronger about the situation because I still have strong feelings for you. I will not change my email address and I would like to see you again! I just need time to get over the hurt from the break up and to feel stronger on my own without you! You asked me to promise to you that we will meet again! I would like to say that I promise to you that we will because I would like to see you again but because you were the one who decided to stop I knew that at the end of the day it depends on you if you want to see me again that's why I said to you that I hope that we will! But if you want me to promise to you that we will and if it must depend on me then I promise we will and I promise that I will not cut the contact for good! I am sorry if I made you feel bad on msn but that was not my intention and also I don't think badly about you! I am just trying really hard to understand you and to follow your decision!! I am trying to respect your decision by respecting my decision. Could you also promise me that you will meet me again and talk to me after some time? Please forgive me for my decision!

Take care!

This is what he wrote back:

I do understand completely what and why u are doing this! That's why i'm not
going to insist to make u change your mind. I respect u a lot and i like u a
lot too. That's why i want to respect that. It's very hard to know i will not
hear from u and not see u for a while, specially when i dont know how long this
cut will last but i will do it. I feel very strange to know i wont see u for a
while and i feel sad. Because just before your decision even if we were not
together any more, i knew we would stay in touch and in a way i felt u were
still next to me and it was reassuring for me because i had the feeling i could
rely on u and come back if i wanted. I know it was a selfish feeling but don't
reproach me it because i did that because of my feelings for u. Now when i feel
u keeping your distant, i feel bad and realise i will not be able to rely on u
and i will definitely loose u. But everything is because of me , it is my
decision and i should be accountable for it. I had to consider your position
and not only put myself in a confortable situation. So yes i accept your
decision and i will respect it because i know u're taking the right decision no
matter how hard it is for me.
I just want u to know u were my best and u will stay in my mind and heart for a
while!
Finally i want to say that of course i want to see u again. I promise it and
i'm the most sincere ! i 'm not going to let u get rid of me so easily . I
already miss u so much...
But i just want u to know that whenever u need or want, i will be still here
for u and i don't want u to hesitate to contact me because i will be so happy
to hear from u and help u! My best wish is to see u again and to know u happy!
so u can always rely on me.
When u feel stronger, i want u to contact me! until then i will disappear and
be waiting for ur email or ur call. I will also strive to find my way in this
strange jungle that is life...
i like u so much!
millions of kisses! Take care!

It's so sad!!! I feel so sad but I know in my heart that we both care so much and it's so hard to let go for both of us!! I feel that I have made the right decision now! But I still feel like I wish I could hope that maybe in the future we could find the way to each other! I love him! He was being really honest with me in his email! I really appreciate it! I was scared that he would blame me but he hasn't! He has been really good about it! I miss him! Oh my God I miss him so much!! It's so hard to move on! But now at least I can do it peacefully with no guilt feelings or feeling bad about my decision! Do you think it could happen in the future for us?

Sorry about the length!

Bee

[bee]

I should add that we both are not native English speakers! We both communicate in English together but English is not our mother tongue so I think it's hard for us sometimes to really express what we feel and what we want to say!

[Stillinlove]

You two seem to care about eachother very much, so in my mind it comes to this. What the hell is your problem? You need to cut the crap and tell him exactly how you feel, because im sure he feels the same. Does this relationship really have to end? Was the breakup that bad? When two people love eachother, nothing can get between them. Dont lose what you two have.....

Hey but what the hell do i know?

[bee]

After sending the emails to each other I thought he would not contact me again! I decided to go out yesterday night with a friend of mine! It was quite a good night but I realised that I am not intersted in anyone else and I still miss him so so much! I didn't go to bed until about 2.30 am.. At 4 am THE PHONE RINGS!! When I answered it was HIM!! He started to tell me that he went out with his friends and that he misses me a lot! and that he has been thinking about me a lot these days especially after I made the decision to cut contact! He started to say that I conquered his heart and I am under his skin and that he misses me so much! He said that he is lost and that he just cannot understand himself because he actually said to me that he was happy with me and that I am pretty and a really nice girl so he can't understand himself why can't he just be happy with what he has! He said that he would like to hug me and kiss me and cuddle me.. he then asked me if I went out so I said I did go out and he started to say that he is fearing that I will meet someone else! he says that he is fearing that he will call me one day and I won't pick up the phone because I'll be with somebody else! I said to him that I am not looking for a relationship and for anyone else! He said that not now but later you will! I said to him but what about you? You might meet someone else as well and then you will drop me because she won't be happy that you still contact me.. he said that he won't accept that! he then said he doesn't know what to do that he is lost.. he started to say that he is sorry he called that he should not have done that because he is not respecting my decision! I said to him to stop saying that! That I am happy he called! He asked if I was sure? I said yes! Anyway, after that he asked me if we meet again.. I said yes we can in the future and he said are you sure? I said yes.. he said that he misses me! I said that I miss him too! He asked him if he is happy with his decision and he said that when he doesn't think about us he is but when he starts to think about me he isn't! But he keeps saying that he needs to respect it! I just cannot understand it why does he have to make it so hard on himself! He said he doesn't know either. But he then said that he can't go back because the problems would be still there. He said that the fact that it's a distance relationship it's hard for him! He then said I know that you are stronger than me! I said it's not truth! It's just that I appear stronger but it's hard for me too! I don't want him to think that I don't care and I want to move on because I am not intersted in him any longer! It's not truth! Anyway, I didn't beg and I didn't try to convince him. I just said ok and then we said good bye to each other! He sent me an email this morning which actually made me cry! It made me cry mainly because I feel that we are ending our relationship but we both still feel so strongly about each other and the fact that we don't live in the same country is not helping! Here is what he wrote:

I am sorry for last night, i woke you up and didnt respect your decision. It's
just that i really wanted to hear u because i missed u a lot. I didnt mean to
confuse u about my feelings but yes i still do like u a lot and i can't help!
But i promise i will respect now your decision, it's just that i was drunk and
it was quite soon after u explained me that u want to cut contact, so i got
emotional. I promise i won't do that again and the next time it will be you who will contact me and not me anymore for the reasons i said yesterday in my email. Forget about what i said on the phone, my emotions were stronger than my rationale but it's ok now. Of course i want to meet u in may but we
shouldnt because i didnt change my mind about us and so u need to respect your decision too.

Sorry if i dont call u but its easier for me by email than on the phone.

Actually I feel so sad because even though I made a decision to cut contact with him it's not what I really want in my heart! Of course I want to hear from him! I want him to contact me but he is thinking that he has to respect it and now he has even promised me he won't contact me again! It's killing me! What should I reply? I want him to know that the truth! I still love him and I want him back! I know it! When he called last night I was so happy to hear from him! Please help me what should I tell him! I am not sure I am really happy with my decision with cutting all the contact with him! It was so hard today but I haven't called yet! I am trying to be strong but I don't want to ignore his email either! I want him to know that he is in my heart! I care for him so much! I don't want him to misunderstand me that I want to move on because I no longer love him and I no longer hope!! The truth is the opposite!

I still haven't replied to his email! Do you think I should? What should I say? I am hurting without the contact with him actually!

[Stillinlove]

FIrst: i think it is very interesting that you end every sentence in an exclamation point.

ok now, i think that you need to tell him exactly how you feel, take back the no contact thing, if you really love him there should be no reason that simple country border scan seperate you. If you both love eachother you will wait until the day you can be together for good. You may think its not fair that you have to wait for him, or he might think it isnt fair that he has to wait for you, but why would you enter a realationship with someone else when your heart is in another country. I really think you guys should work this out. I know you can. Take care