An Endless Cycle - Love Forum

Shazz · #1 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 01:06 AM

I have been dating my bf for almost a year and a half. We have been through some pretty rough patches and we always seem to survive, but barely. He has a problem with his anger. He is not physically or verbally abusive, he just keeps blaming all his problems on his past. And if it wasnt his past he finds a way to make me look like I am acting unreasonable to the situation. Like if I want to talk out our problem, instead of totally shutting down and letting the problem fester inside. I believe there is nothing wrong with that, and my family agrees.
Well, recently he got stationed in Japan for two years. After getting over that road block I found it quite annoying about the lack of communication we were having. Id tell him about my day, and all I would get from him was " it was fine." I hate to be pushy, but I knew something just wasnt right.
Friday night the walls came down and I was left crying and totally heart broken. He again found some way to blame his situation on how no one cares for him or how his bad past is the reason he acts the way he does. I had enough and I said "It's over!" He of course got very angry and didnt talk to me for two days.
I got a call late last night. He wanted to hear from my own mouth I didnt love him anymore. I couldnt say it! I do still love him. He and I have a friendship that I could never have with someone else. So I tried to make him promise me that he would get a book on anger management. He would not do it. He insists that his reaction to anger is perfectly normal for him.
Im not sure what to do now. We are in a kind of limbo....not together, but not apart just yet. I need to either make it or break it with in the next day. My family already hates him for doing what he did. I know I will disappoint them so much if I get back together with him. I have reason pulling me in one direction (dump him, you deserve better) and my heart pulling in the other ( he loves you and you love him back). Which should I listen to?

Pilot · #2 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 02:42 AM

I think that only you can decide whether or not that you should get back with him or not. You've got to weigh up the pros and cons of being with him. Maybe if you decide to get back with him, you should atleast tell him that things have got to change, he needs to be more open with you..etc I think that suggesting that he sees a counsellor about his past will also be a good idea because it could be that the past has affected him, he may need to talk about it to be able to free himself and move on.

Frasbee · #3 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shazz

He has a problem with his anger. He is not physically or verbally abusive

He again found some way to blame his situation on how no one cares for him or how his bad past is the reason he acts the way he does. I had enough and I said "It's over!" He of course got very angry and didnt talk to me for two days.
I got a call late last night. He wanted to hear from my own mouth I didnt love him anymore. I couldnt say it! I do still love him. He and I have a friendship that I could never have with someone else.

Yeah...not physically or verbally abusive...he's just emotionally abusive.

Do you see how he's manipulating your emotions?

He's playing a "poor me I'm the victim" role and he's getting the sympathetic reaction out of ya. It's what he wants, it's obviously what's keepin' you around isn't it? Sympathy isn't love. And there are countless other insecure men out there that you could have a very similar "friendship" with.

Do yourself a favor and break it off. Because that is in no way a healthy relationship.

Shazz · #4 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 06:56 AM

Thank you for your advice. After a long discussion I showed him this post. He agreed that he was hurting me. He decided that if he loves me as much as he says he does, he would let our relationship end. Is it wrong that I secertly hope that he will grow up and take my advice and come back to me? I wish he opens his eyes and realizes that my request was not that hard to fulfill.

ALovelyLady86 · #5 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 07:27 AM

Wait... did you just say "let our relationship end"?
Hunny hes not the one in control of this relationship. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50. If you want to leave you leave, it doesnt matter what he says. If he thinks he can make you stay you need to leave his butt even more... and get a restraining order.
His behavior isnt only bad, its controlling. You need to be with a man who will love you hunny cause this isnt love. When only one party is happy, thats not a good relationship.

He wont open his eyes. You really dont need to be showing him these posts cause its giving him more information about what youre thinking of doing. Dont you know that the more information someone has the more power they have over you?

I had to learn that the hard way with my mother. She was not only extremely emotionally abusive but started to be physically. Thats another thing, if hes willing to abuse you emotionally, the day is coming where he will physically. I know from experience you need to take care of yourself!

Shazz · #6 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 07:42 AM

Hehe, well I dont think a restraining order is needed. He's stationed in Japan for the next two years. Most of our relationship has been somewhat of a long distance thing. I have just thought about that patterns of our disagreements. I will say that a good 95% of them have been when we were apart. Either on the phone or in IM. Rarely when we are together side by side. It is like he a totally different person in person. You think by doing all this emotional abuse is his way of keeping me from cheating or keeping me all to himself?

LightOn · #7 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shazz

After a long discussion I showed him this post.

Is it wrong that I secertly hope that he will grow up and take my advice and come back to me?

Secret, what secret? Tell ya what this isn't for you this is for him reading.

Dude, in all respects you give the male gender a bad name, do the right thing and stop being so anal. Your past is your past, don't blame her for what others done to you.

Shazz,
Stop being this mans freak on a leash!!!! There are plenty of better men out there.

You told him on the phone that it was over and you seemed surprised when he didn't talk to you for 2 days? You 2 should lose contact indefinately.

ALovelyLady86 · #8 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 08:08 AM

You know... you shouldnt be trying to figure out WHY hes emotionally abusing you.. there is no legit reason. Stop letting him read our posts its not his right to know what were saying. You came in here for advice... we're giving it to YOU not him.

Youre giving this jerk too much control. For you to be sitting there saying should I let him do this, should I let him do that to me? Why is it HIS choice what you do with YOUR life??

You need to run as far in the opposite direction as you can... I dont want you to end up where so many abused girls do.

Shazz · #9 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 08:26 AM

I thought that if he saw that other people were saying the same things I was that he would finally leave me alone. Sorry

It is just so hard to leave someone that I have developed such a close friendship with. I read some of the other posts on relationships that have ended after 4 years. They have it a lot worse than me. I should be thankful that my relationship only lasted for 1 1/2 years.

ALovelyLady86 · #10 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 08:36 AM

Ya see I just got out of a relationship of a year and a half myself. Its hard, especially after a few days, but just remind yourself that there is someone out there who will be d**n happy you didnt get back with your crappy ex boyfriend.
Youll be fine! If you need someone to talk to you can surely Personal Message me. I know what its like to need someone to talk so..I would be glad to help you out.

LightOn · #11 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shazz

I thought that if he saw that other people were saying the same things I was that he would finally leave me alone. Sorry

It is just so hard to leave someone that I have developed such a close friendship with. I read some of the other posts on relationships that have ended after 4 years. They have it a lot worse than me. I should be thankful that my relationship only lasted for 1 1/2 years.

No apology needed, it will be hard but not impossible. Think of how much better things will be when you do find someone better.

Shazz · #12 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 09:07 AM

I wish someone new would hurry up and preoccupy my mind from all the pain I am feeling. Curse these human emotions! But my mom always says that love will find you when you are not looking for it.

ALovelyLady86 · #13 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 09:09 AM

SO TRUE! It always shows its face when I'm not looking....

You know what its really about? Its about when the higher diety knows youre ready for love... then youll have it. Until youre ready and secure enough to handle real love...you wont find it. A relationship can only be as good as its parts... or people.

Only-virgins · #14 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ALovelyLady86

SO TRUE! It always shows its face when I'm not looking....

You know what its really about? Its about when the higher diety knows youre ready for love... then youll have it. Until youre ready and secure enough to handle real love...you wont find it. A relationship can only be as good as its parts... or people.

Ready and secure in what way?.

I think its all luck and chemical attractions...but meh... everyone sees through a different perspective like I always say.

ALovelyLady86 · #15 (**permalink**) 10-05-05, 09:22 AM

Well... if one person is secure and another is not... or if the one person is emotionally immature (my ex) it wont work. You have to be able to communicate and maturity is what that takes,