What has she done to me?

[Stokeguy]

A few years ago I was working part time behind the bar in a local pub. Things were great. I got on with all the punters and (without sounding big headed) even had a few admirers. Anyway, this one girl started to come in. She was a local girl and we hit it off as friends.
Anyway, I went in to work one night on my birthday (mad I know) and everybody organised a secret birthday bash for me after normal lock-up hours. So I sat next to this girl and later in the night I could feel her fingers stroking my hand under the table. I thought nothing of it but ended up getting very drunk and spent the night with her. The next morning felt very awkward because I thought I'd done something I shouldn't and I thought that she might think less of me and perhaps start accuse me of taking advatage of her or something? But things weren't like that at all.
We ended up becoming an item a few days afterwards and we spent every waking moment spare moment with each other. We went away together for romantic weekends and things just got better and better. Then one day she made it very clear to me that she didn't want me working behind the bar anymore because she was sure that the other bar maids and some of the customers had their eye on me. I was flattered to be honest and handed in my notice and packed the bar work in. I continued to go into the same pub with her though because it was her local after all.
A few months down the line she started to get really posessive to the point where she wouldn't let me leave her side. If I went to the toilet and took more than ten minutes she would automatically accuse one of the girls in the pub of holding me up outside the toilets. What she was doing was wrong but by this time I loved her so much there wasn't anything wouldn't do to make her happy. It got to the point where I stopped seeing my own friends and this continued for another 12 months or so.
We'd been together for 2 years and I decided not to go down to the pub with her every night because apart from anything else I was starting to put on a little bit of weight and I've never been a big drinker at the best of times. This is how things were for the last couple of months of our relationship. I didn't want to go to the pub every night but she did.
We had a small argument one night over something really petty and stupid and I decided it would be wise to sleep in the spare bed that night. The next day she asked me why I didn't want to sleep with her and called me every name under the sun. Things calmed down an hour or so later and I dropped her off at her sisters house. They were going to the pub again.
This was the very last time we spoke a word to each other and before she got out of the car she kissed me and said the words "I love you".
The next day she sent me an Instant Messenger text from her works to my computer saying that I was unreasonable and that she wanted me to go to the pub with her more often because people were constantly asking where I was. I refused and we actually had a blazing row on Instant Messenger. I lost my temper a little and told her to Fcuk off before logging off. I am a little bit stuborn at times and I refused to get in touch with her thinking that she would eventually get in touch with me. A couple of days went by and I knew things were seriously wrong. We had seen each other every single day for two years and now I was feeling like I had done a really bad thing. So I decided to send her an email to tell her how much I was missing her and to tell her how sorry I was. I soon got an email back telling me that she would drop my belongings off at my mum and dad's one day when they weren't in and that she didn't want to see me again. I was so gutted!
About six months after I last heard from her I bumped into one of the girl from her local pub. She told me that my ex had got engaged to her new fella. I knew that something must have been going on when I stopped going into the pub at this point. We had only been seperated for 6 months and she was already engaged to someone else. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I just wanted to be sick. It hurt so badly.
A few months after that I was asked by another guy why I used to beat her? I just couldn't believe it. She was actually telling people that I used to smack her about every once in a while. I was so madly in love with her and I would never ever do anything to hurt her. I never laid a finger on her or any other woman in my life.
Anyway, that was about 12 months ago and I can't help but feel very bitter and very angry because I am convinced she must have been cavorting with this guy when we were still togther. I sort of except that what has happened has happened and I keep trying to tell myself that she was probably no good anyway but I just can't forget the times we spent together.
I joined a dating site because I work in an all male environment and I thought that meeting other single women might make me feel better. It didn't.
I can't believe the mess I have got myself into. Most of my mates have settled and even had kids in the time I spent with her and because she wouldn't let me see any of them I feel that they don't want much to do with me anymore. They've got their new lifes to get on with now and I'm just the bloke who turned his back on them. My life isn't exactly a mess and I'm not really depressed about it anymore but I wish more than anything that I could turn back time and reject her advances in the first place.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to feel those feelings I felt before whilst I was with her but whenever I meet someone new all I think about is her. This makes me appear to be miles away on dates and as a result, the dates I have been on have been complete disasters. Sorry for typing so much but I've never told anybody how I feel and I suppose all I want is a quick solution for getting my life back on track. I don't want to kid myself and I know I can never have her back. If she came begging (which I doubt) I know I could never accept. I do see her from time to time when I drive my van. A few weeks ago I saw his jeep coming towards me on a narrow country lane. She was sat in the front passenger seat and I know she recognised my van. As we passed I looked at her and she was pretending to scratch her forehead whilst looking back at me through her fingers. For some reason just seeing her with her new bloke churned up my insides once again and for a couple of nights I had horrible dreams about her leaving me all over again. I think she has made me insecure or something. I don't care what she does but my head is in a proper state.
What should I do?

[Jenrick285]

Close the chapter of your life in it and go in, which I don't think you've been able to do, even with dating other people. Use this time to find new activities, work out more, get in contact with those friends that you haven't seen. You might be surprised.
Takes a little time to rebuild a person after getting stomped down, and it's not easy...
But keep this in mind, think of who she is now, telling folks they you were hitting her... err wtf... really ;/
Best of luck

[RuntimeError]

Keep busy, help people, meet new people and meet new ladies. She obviously was kind of a flakey person, i mean telling lies and stuff. In my opion you are better without her, she has moved on and you should to. Don't worry about the bad dreams they will pass, think of it as your body just trying to rid or deal with that person that betrayed you, but it will pass. I know everyone says let go let go, and it is waaay harder to do then say, but you just have to remember that you were doing great without her before and you will do great without her again. Take this time to better yourself, and help people. Take the attention off yourself and twords others. One last time not that I am an expert, you can't look for love, but there is alot of love in this world and I am sure it will find you when your time is ready. Good Luck.

[cbee]

I agree with the others but also get in touch with your old friends, if they enjoyed your company they'll understand - hey I used breaking up with my ex as an excuse to get back in touch with all the people I wish I never lost touch with.

Also, they probably know you better than anyone else & will help get you back on an even keel

[shenmue]

exactly. And of course try to avoid seeing her. When you find yourself thinking of her try to do something right then and there to stop thinking of her. Good luck.