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Thread: How do I let him go?

  1. #16
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    Now i get it:
    you want us to tell you what you can do so it feels less shit when you break up with your partner?
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

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  3. #17
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    This place isn't a friendly place after all....

  4. #18
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    im not trying to be friendly. im trying to actually help you.
    But im at a loss as to how. Because im not sure what you want for advice?

    My being rude a little is ment to challenge you and to think about what you want and need for a little.
    This is like an open basar. You take the advice you want. All everyone is asking that you stop a little and ask yourself if there is some truth to it - regardless of how unusual it sounds at first.

    I understand that you are in a difficult situation. However every advice that is offered here doesnt seem to really hit the point. And I wonder how we CAN write something that hits home.


    I understand you are afraid of your current situation. But that being afraid doesnt help you.
    Sometimes people just need to "talk about it". Im totally fine with that.
    However usually people come to forums like this to find a sollution to their problems. Im not sure you actually want that. (again im totally cool if that were the case)

    If you want a sollution to your problem that is also fine. However I dont really see one besides either waiting or discussing/making a plan with him about it or leaving him straight of the bat.
    Your options are rather limited and I do not understand what keeps you from deciding which option you wanna take. Maybe im missing an option or two. However you didnt seem to say what you really want.

    If you want us/me to tell you that you will be fine, if you break up with him and everything will be nice after a day or two and: here are the 5 steps you can take to be happy again in no time, then you are naive. I personally do not know if these steps exist or what they could be.
    Breaking up with someone is painful. Especially when you love them. I dont know any tips that make it bearable except from being thankful for the relationship you have had and the absolute belief that the breakup is necessary.
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

  5. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by kel1986 View Post
    I have just sent my boyfriend a final text, explaining how I feel, how I feel for him but how he has made me feel. He flies to Korea tonight on holiday for 3 weeks almost and I said if he doesn't reply before he flies I will know where I stand. Hates like hell to have to try and get over someone you love so much all because they don't love you enough .

    All I do is think about our last night together, how amazing it was, his smell, his touch, his voice etc. All the thoughts that will hold me back but right now I'm grieving and it's how I cope.

    Thinking about you xxx
    Im sorry to hear it. Whatever the result may be - It will be the right one in the end.
    The pain gets smaller after a while, when you dont think that often about it and start to enjoy other things.

    good luck to you.

    Please tell us how you have been doing and what has helped you the most.
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

  6. #20
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    I appreciate your words.

    I know first hand I'm a very weak person, love hard and strugggle to let go. It's always been my way but this is my first heartbreak.

    I just pray to god that time does what everyone keeps telling me it will. And the pain does lessen.

    I'll stay in touch. Thanks
    Kelly

  7. #21
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    Update : after sending him that text message before he flew he messaged me a couple hours later saying he knew how I felt about him and us, but I use my heart always and he is pragmatic about stuff. He said he has an awful lot of feelings for me, which makes this really difficult for him and he loves me but needs time to clear his head. He then said if I wanted him to he would call me for a bit.

    I read the message but didn't reply. 5 mins later he rang me, he was in airport. He said it's hard for him to make the decision cos it's me and he knows how great we are together. But he isn't in a position to make a decision right now (bearing in mind nothing new has emerged) he known I have daughter for 1 year now but suddenly reality of future scares him.

    I explained to him to take as long as he needs to think but if and when he contacts me with a decision or thoughts I may not be there as I have life to live to and tbh my logic side tells me if he wanted me enough he wouldn't put me through this hell and either way knows what he wants.

    So now he is in Hong Kong with his friends enjoying life, forgetting me no doubt and moving on. I'm here in turmoil, checking my phone every 5 minutes, he's sending snaps on his story and I can't beat to open them. I have stayed off the phone which has took everything in me. Part of me wants to respect his wishes but part of me wants to be strong enough to not focus all of me on him.

    Friends tell me to move on and find happiness within me again and I want to. I really do, but with that does it mean I have let him go. I'm not sure I can do that yet. I know I can't. But I do want to find me again on the meantime so if and whenever he contacts me and the decision is bad I'll be stronger to accept it.

    I know in my gut he ain't coming back and is using this time to tail it off. But I'm just not there yet to let go.

    My own actions are driving me crazy, dying to get a text from him. But even then not knowing how to act if he ever did.

    This man has my life and I hate I have allowed it. Hopefully in time soon I can refocus my heart and head and see this for what t is. A man who is not wanting to commit to me and I need to accept that and let go. I'm praying for that strength soon xx

  8. #22
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    well to his protection i must say that a possible future with moving and then suddenly having a daughter which is not my own to care for is not an easy decision. Especially not for a "logic" guy who need to take time for him to realise that his feelings are after all more important than the logic about it.

    The only reason for the beautiful time you have had together is BECAUSE you have allowed it. Dont hat that now. That at least is definitely not the right decision.

    If girls say they "need time" it means no. If a guy say he needs time it means "i feel different from what I think and I must take time to reach a decision about it"
    so chill a bit. If you allow him to take the time - then let him take it.
    If you dont allow him then tell him and be done

    your problem now is that you have agreed for him to take his time a little and you are afraid of his answer and hate waiting. I can relate. However you have two options: stop waiting or stay waiting.
    Id personally give him a time constraint but thats just me.
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

  9. #23
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    Do u really believe being on holiday with his friends doing travelling and sight seeing is his opportunity to think about me and what he wants ? I don't.

    I want to know his answer but feel resentful for him making me wait. I'm trying to make myself happy in the meantime and focus on happy things like my daughter and family and friends. Very hard.

    In my mind he has till he returns from his jollies.
    But everyday I don't hear from him it feels like he has pulled further away.

    I don't always understand he logic about men wanting space and time. And I know the prospect of my life and what I come with is daunting, but for a year now he has known it all. It's no surprise to him. But I do understand the deeper his feelings are for me the more reality of what the future entails hits home.

    appreciate ur response.

  10. #24
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    do you know the feeling when you just dont know the name of the song you reaaaly reaally like
    and its like its there and you almost have it
    but nope you cant remember. It was something with....


    and then hours later - havent thought about it AT ALL the answer just plops randomly into your mind.

    That isnt random. That is your unconcious delivering you an answer to a question you have set it to.
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

  11. #25
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    I get the analogy but I can't relate my feelings and unsureness on a comparison to a factual notion that has slipped the mind temporarily

  12. #26
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    I haven't been here in a while, normally come here when I am having problems and need advice. I am going through the exact same thing and somehow I let it get to 5 years together. We are really so different, see things differently, want such different things that the only thing keeping us together was our love for each other. It's sad that it took me so long to realize I had to deal with what we really want in life but I am ready to move forward in life. I am thinking we are different because when we both talk we both look for reasons to stay together but know that we can't. I wish all of this was much easier and I am having a really hard time today but truth is in the end we deserve what we want in life and we can get it if we open our hearts and don't let ourselves get caught up in something that is going nowhere. Wow it's easier to write than live it but it's one day at a time and I wish you luck in whatever direction you go. Knowing you are fighting a lost cause is half the battle.

    Thanks for letting me let my story out on your post <3

  13. #27
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    kel.. you mvoe on and cope by focusing on bulding your life without them. that's all there is to it.
    sometimes it means you're going to want to cry - then cry
    sometimes you're going to feel angry - let yourself be angry

    don't push, pull, fight, deny, force, --- just BE.

    you get over it when you ALLOW yourself to get over it - and right now you aren't doing that b/c you're sitting here thining yo need a 10-step tool or process to do it and that's blocking you from just leting it happen.. see?

    it's going to happen (healing). it always does. you just need to have faith it will and let it happen and keep busy in the meantime as best you can.

  14. #28
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    I know when I'm ready to let go I have to and I have to go through all the emotions, hurt, rejection, loneliness etc. But at this moment I'm still holding on to him, the reason being he has not ended the relationship completely and I have allowed him to go away and think and clear his head. So right now I'm stuck in limbo. But I am trying to focus my time here on me and my happiness and not constantly allow him to consume my every though and second, especially when he is 8000 miles away having the time of his life

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  16. #29
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    then tell him you want closure and expect an answer until ...
    and be done with it.

    i dont get it.
    either you want to wait for an answer
    or you dont.
    if you dont then get it from him now.
    if you dont get it - then thats answer enough - isnt it?
    If you think I am insulting you with my post or bashing you: You do not get the point.
    I am not here to insult or bash anyone. I offer up my free time to help. Take from my post what is useful to you.
    If you are angry about my post or myself, then please stop and think how that happened. Usually that is the way the brain responds if a critical belief system is challenged (its called cognitive dissonance). If you have trouble with it please answer in the thread. I will come back to you.

  17. #30
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    If I ask him for an answer now when he's on holiday and away from it all he won't give me one. He will say he needs time and space and I'm not giving him it.
    I'm gonna start to live my life for myself, occupy my mind more and actually try and what will be will be.

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