abused as a child and more

[squirrley]

Ive had a very large blow up in my family this last week and again find myself so freakn torn up.

Good news is my son made it to Green Bay safely, Im sad and happy.

K, as a child I was abused by a relative. I told my mom when I was 21 and nothing was said since then. This last week it all came out and in such a horrible way via my brother. Needless to say, my family is in shambles. This is why I NEVER told. I couldnt bare knowing what would happen. Although it only happened once, it still carried with me throughout my life.

My whole family has distorted the truths every conversation that has spoken. I dont feel vindicated because my brother spilled the beans, I feel sad. So many things have been said and I eventually was grilled and at one point was told I lied about it. You dont ever forget when youre 12.

Now, as you guys know, my parents were against kyle moving up there, they were pissed at me for not letting him come home, and tonight my mother says "well, he's home now." The audosity she speaks when she wont speak to HER own son.

I think I truly need some outside encouragement from you all. My hubby has been extremely helpful and supportive, but I feel so sick again. I dont have any somas so no worries.

I DO feel like a good mom, and letting go and letting kyle face the fact its time to grow up, damnt, I am a good mom. I cant believe Im allowing my own mom make me feel so horrible. WHY would she do this to me? I just dont get it.

I love my family with my whole heart and now its torn to hell. I want to fix it and I cant.

[vashti]

Your mom sounds like she has some issues, squirrley. What kind of mom knows her daughter was violated and says nothing? I honestly believe I could kill someone for that. Perhaps her belittling you is the way she makes herself feel better about the kind of mom SHE was.

I think she bullies you because you are too freakin' sweet. Maybe you need to draw some firmer boundaries, hun.

[Illusional]

i love you...!!!

*licks your asshole squirt*

ok, those are two things that i will never do.. but it should make you laugh.

raverboy

[Only-virgins]

Have to be pretty strong to come forward with all this like that. It was meant to be. Just understand that. You did NOTHING to put the family into shambles as you put it. You were violated and all those who tried to keep it quiet have to feel uncomfortable. This would have never happened if you were not mistreated as child. What ever your family is going through must happen, you have to understand that it has to happen. It is right. You can't hide this crap. I can't believe your mother would just ignore it like that. I think a father would take it harder than that even.

[IndiReloaded]

Don't you dare let them try to twist their lack of a spine into your fault, Squirt!

Stuff like this always comes out. Always. It amazing you kept silent for so long. So much to keep to yourself for so long, poor dear!

I completely agree with Vash. You mom is dealing with her guilt over being a shitty mom. She knows you know, both for yourself & now as a parent. That's going to haunt her the rest of her life. Pity her, if you can. Forgive if you've healed enough within yourself. But don't expect your family to understand or to have changed. Obviously, if they had that capacity, then the abuse probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.

You, on the other hand, are a great mom. You've done all you can for Kyle, including tough love when he needed it. Of course she will resent your success. It takes a really big person to be happy for someone elses success in the face of their own failure. Again, a person like that probably wouldn't have let you be abused in the first place.

We have a couple nutbars in our family (what family doesn't?). The best way to handle them is to think of them like rabid animals. Interact with them if you must, but protect yourself & set your expectations accordingly. Stop trying to be a peacemaker for a family that doesn't appreciate it.

[vashti]

Squirrley - if it makes you feel better, you aren't alone. My mom is a raving lunatic. We have pretty much dealt with her as a rabid animal, although we've never used that analogy before. It really IS appropriate.

[misombra]

oh squirrley i'm sorry.

sad truth is every family is messed up.

vashh and indi are right though, your mom is just probably feeling guilty about not doing anything and will deny and deny and take the denial to the grave.

squirrley, you don't have to focus on the rest of your family, the only people you are required to take care of is you and your son. everybody else can afford to go by your wayside. where were they when you needed them?

i know the struggles though. everyone does. everybody has a story of pain. talking about it with someone who understands helps. it's sad that that person can't be your mom but i'm sure you will find a lot of us can empathize with that.

[squirrley]

I'm crying reading through all of your posts, and of course laughed at Raver's!

It has taken a tole on my health AGAIN.

My hubby has been so supportive, and ALL of you are right. I've been under so much stress with Kyle and this just heaped it. I do feel like Ive been a great mother and I know Kyle knows it. When we said our bye's Kyle and I both sobbed. I find that normal, he didnt, but his family is not emotional.

I couldnt sleep lastnight thinking over and over (damn I wish that were one thing I could change about myself) Im becoming angry with my mom. For weeks she harped about not wanting Kyle up there, she didnt want to deal with him didnt want his BS, etc. And lastnight she was just being out of control. Through the last few days I've caught in her so many lies its sad.

Ive always been close to her like she's my best friend and Im so hurt to feel like she turned on me.

Anyway, thank you all so much, reading this has helped immensely.

My brother who told the secret, was also abused by the same relative and he's had a harder time dealing with it. He just HAD to say something. He was so tired of holding it in. I'm not mad at him for telling, my grandmother whose 81 cant cope with it now. I do feel bad about that. But I cant feel bad for everyone else.

Chris called my mom the other day and let her have it. Of course she's all like "Well, what would have you done" She didnt do anything when I told her. I dont know what I expected her to do, but certainly not react this way now that's it out.

My dad did know too. And it was swept under the carpet the last 15 yrs. Guess my parents just couldnt believe it happened and chose to ignore it.

I'm going to try and let this go and move on with my life like Ive done.

thank you all so very very very much. I love this place.

[IndiReloaded]

Ah Squirrel, you need to learn to toughen up around these emotional bullies (that's what it is). If it helps, here are some ways I deal w/my irrational relatives:

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Originally Posted by squirrley

Im becoming angry with my mom. For weeks she harped about not wanting Kyle up there, she didnt want to deal with him didnt want his BS, etc.

Emotional bullies need to be called out on their poor behaviour. Next time, try saying something like "Stop saying those things about my son; who is YOUR grandson. You have a commitment to help young members of our family. Either do something, or shut up about it b/c I don't want to hear this kind of talk."

I'm serious. This will work. She may hang up on you, but she will stop saying these things to you. Somehow, she is getting something from you in these interactions; probably some kind of martyr complex. You need to stop feeding whatever that is.

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But I cant feel bad for everyone else.

Not about this. They failed YOU, not the other way around.

Quote:

Chris called my mom the other day and let her have it. Of course she's all like "Well, what would have you done"

Good he did this. I bet she doesn't spout off to him. Follow his example. And the next time that question comes up, tell her what you feel: that she should apologize & ask your forgiveness. Because that is what you deserve.

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My dad did know too.

Same goes for him.

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I'm going to try and let this go and move on with my life like Ive done.

Good for you. Don't dwell on the past, but don't let your family get away with trying to transfer any guilt to you, either.

How's Kyle doing re: all this crap?

[squirrley]

One thing Chris has said which may be a contributing factor of my personality is that I dont like confrontation and will buckle EVERY TIME. I do. My brother said "Amy, you should have your spine back NOW." Defintely need to let her know now I wont listen to it, so thank you youre right!

Kyle doesnt know this happened. Hopefully we can keep it from him for a bit, just til he gets settled. He's moving into his apartment tonight and he sounds relieved to be there. I'm happy he made a choice and WANTS to better himself. Thats a good sign to me! He's going sledding tomorrow, he cant wait, his best friend has never seen snow, she's freezing up there!

[Frasbee]

Many people would be surprised at how often these things happen.

[Illusional]

forget about kyle and most of your stress with disappear.

raverboy