Mini Orgasm?

[Tiay]

I'm a virgin (age:19) though I have petted and I masturbate now and then.
but I can't seem to have an orgasm. or at least a 'proper' one. I'll assume that I'd just _know_ if I had :P The thing is, when I 'masturbate' I do get a build up and a release, after which I feel like i'm 'done'. It's nice, but it's not very intense at all, especially in comparison to what I'm told it could be.

My question is: is it possible that maybe my clitoral "orgasm" is just.. a mini orgasm? and that I need actual intercourse to go with it, in order to have more powerful one? OR, on the other hand, is it a horrible idea to have sex before having had a good orgasm? I don't have high expectations of first time sex, btw, I think that'd be like expecting the first time you ride a bike to be the Tour De France. I know it's something where you're clumsy initially but get better with practise. Just wanted to say that so you know I'm not totally naive.

Feeling defective :(,
-T

[Tiay]

thanks shh!
-----
It's not really that I'm frustrated. It just seems like i'm missing something. I haven't been fingered, nor had oral done on me, not by lack of boyfriends enthusiasm though . I think i'll definitely try that next visit (long distance relationship).
He mentioned though that some of the clitoral stuff he was doing on me would put other girls into lots of pain, whereas it barely got to me. I know we're all different, but still can't help feeling frigid

[daletom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

I'm a virgin (age:19) though I have petted and I masturbate now and then . . .

My question is: is it possible that maybe my clitoral "orgasm" is just.. a mini orgasm? and that I need actual intercourse to go with it, in order to have more powerful one?

I don't think you should worry. A certain young lady of my acquaintance had her very first orgasm at 22 - with her thighs wrapped around my ears. About 6 months later we were married (to each other!) and exchanged virginities on our wedding night. It took a couple months of deliberate practice and learning together before she regularly had orgasms from intercourse. Over 30 years later, she'd probably tell you that her most intense orgasms still come from oral sex, but the most fulfilling happen when I'm inside her.

[Tiay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

I don't think you should worry. A certain young lady of my acquaintance had her very first orgasm at 22 - with her thighs wrapped around my ears. About 6 months later we were married (to each other!) and exchanged virginities on our wedding night. It took a couple months of deliberate practice and learning together before she regularly had orgasms from intercourse. Over 30 years later, she'd probably tell you that her most intense orgasms still come from oral sex, but the most fulfilling happen when I'm inside her.

thanks for posting daletom!

It's comforting to know there are female people out there somewhere who haven't, in fact, been masturbating to fulfilling orgasms since 15.

that's a very sweet tale, and I notice how pride-fully you tell it I fear that he's pinning his ego on the idea that once we have sex, I'll have a proper, earth-shattering omigod one. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know most girls don't orgasm from first time intercourse anyway, in fact, if they get away relatively pain-free they're already lucky. You say it took months of practise. I don't expect anything of him except to try and care. Seems like he expects a lot more of himself than I do. Are guys under so much pressure to "perform"?

[daletom]

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Originally Posted by Tiay

thanks for posting daletom!

I didn't post it to brag, or to be cute, but because it's what really happened.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

I know most girls don't orgasm from first time intercourse anyway, in fact, if they get away relatively pain-free they're already lucky.

My first time is described here: Wedding Night Virgins , and you may want to look at other posts in that thread - they point you (and your B/F!) to some good advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

Are guys under so much pressure to "perform"?

YES! It runs thru our movies, advertising, novels - wherever you look, the sex is almost always collosal and stupendous. Even the first time. And if it isn't, that becomes an instant justification for somebody to move on to another partner. Help your B/F understand something that you seem to be catching on to: Like golf, long division, public speaking, or a jillion other activities the first attempts are seldom even mediocre, but it gets better with practice.

[Tiay]

bah.. I just wrote this entire reply but my stupid browser killed it. Miff.

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Originally Posted by daletom

I didn't post it to brag, or to be cute, but because it's what really happened.

didn't mean to imply otherwise.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

My first time is described here: Wedding Night Virgins , and you may want to look at other posts in that thread - they point you (and your B/F!) to some good advice.

Quite a story, thanks for sharing. I read most of that thread. I heard the "Have an orgasm before" bit before. I just fear being in a catch-22 situation; that is, need to have 'proper' orgasm to have sex, need sex to have 'proper' orgasm. Some further experimentation has to be carried out though

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

YES! It runs thru our movies, advertising, novels - wherever you look, the sex is almost always collosal and stupendous. Even the first time. And if it isn't, that becomes an instant justification for somebody to move on to another partner. Help your B/F understand something that you seem to be catching on to: Like golf, long division, public speaking, or a jillion other activities the first attempts are seldom even mediocre, but it gets better with practice.

(fictional) stupendous sex is everywhere yes, but that doesn't in itself imply that it's all the guys responsibility lol, I guess us girls should be happy guys want to please us, but no, we have to complain.
He does understand that, but I don't think logic has a very big impact on the pressure, you know? We have and will definitely talk about our feelings (probably in meticulous detail knowing me) beforehand.

I'm really grateful for the responses so far I'll keep you posted. Oh, btw, when this thread is old and I have an update, are you supposed to post it in the old thread or start a new one or what?

[daletom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

bah.. I just wrote this entire reply but my stupid browser killed it. Miff.

That's why it's called a "Personal Confuser".

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Originally Posted by Tiay

. . . I heard the "Have an orgasm before" bit before. I just fear being in a catch-22 situation; that is, need to have 'proper' orgasm to have sex, need sex to have 'proper' orgasm. Some further experimentation has to be carried out though

Please be careful - physically and emotionally - with that experimentation!

The "Catch 22" (have you actually read Heller's novel?) is probably the biggest shortcoming of a "planned" (versus totally spontaneous) first time experience. Physiologically it's probably most likely to be pleasureable if it "just happens" with an observant and caring partner who can tell when the right time is at hand. Mentally and emotionally it's probably more meaningful when both parties are certain they're ready, and prepare accordingly.

I heard much the same advice, and as you read in my account, totally forgot it. I hurt her much more than necessary, acted very selfishly, and lost my self control. It was lousy sex. But . . . It was also VERY significant to BOTH of us. In ten minutes the pain was gone. In an hour we did it again - with MUCH better (physiological) results. We had a lot of pleasure (and some absolute flops) learning together. And even though the sex was a big factor in holding us together a few times, it wasn't the ONLY factor, and much of the time it wasn't the biggest factor. It was something we added to an already established commitment. So if it's not absolutely perfect for you - where will that leave you? At the start of a great adventure, or amid the ruins of the biggest disappointment of your life?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

(fictional) stupendous sex is everywhere yes, but that doesn't in itself imply that it's all the guys responsibility . . .

But that's the primary message that guys hear. It comes down to something like, "If you do it right she'll have a mattress-thrashing, scream-into-the-pillow orgasm and be your devoted bed partner forever. If you mess up she'll be sleeping with your arch rival tomorrow and the rest of your life will be miserable because you ruined your one chance at the only person you could ever love."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

Oh, btw, when this thread is old and I have an update, are you supposed to post it in the old thread or start a new one or what?

If it's actually a new question or a different topic, please start a new thread. If it pertains to THIS thread, find this thread and post in it. (To help re-locate this thread, bring up your own profile page and click on the "Find all posts by Tiay" or "Find all threads started by Tiay" links.) The Forum's database will recognize that a new post has been made and move the thread to the top of the listing (assuming, of course, that you sort threads by "Last Posting Date" - which I think is the default option).

The question you asked, or close variations, shows up once or twice a month. You would do young people a major favor if you DID give a little feedback about your experience - how you two arranged things, what you did, what worked/didn't work, what you'd change/not change if you could do it again, what advice was on the mark or way off target, etc.

[Only-virgins]

Mini orgams? is that like opposed to a Uber orgasm?

[dono]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Only-virgins

Mini orgams? is that like opposed to a Uber orgasm?

LOL, O-R-G-A-M-S

[Tiay]

hey, i'm back
sorry, college got on top of me, figuratively..

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

Please be careful - physically and emotionally - with that experimentation!

how do you mean? I meant, I'm going to do more heavy petting before I 'go for it'.

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Originally Posted by daletom

(have you actually read Heller's novel?)

no.. and worse still, I didn't know there was a novel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

Physiologically it's probably most likely to be pleasureable if it "just happens" with an observant and caring partner who can tell when the right time is at hand. Mentally and emotionally it's probably more meaningful when both parties are certain they're ready, and prepare accordingly.

hm, I hadn't thought of it that way. Me and my boyfriend are definitely planning types. Maybe too much so. Is it possible to plan and prepare, but let the exact date/time/place happen? I'm not too worried about it. If I had to choose I'd go for emotional meaningfulness over physical pleasure any day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

It was something we added to an already established commitment. So if it's not absolutely perfect for you - where will that leave you? At the start of a great adventure, or amid the ruins of the biggest disappointment of your life?

very good point. I consider myself pretty mature. Yes.. I acknowledge that there is an element to it in my head that says, if I don't 'put out' eventually he'll get tired of waiting for me. I know that's not why I want to have sex with him though, and not something you should build a relationship on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

But that's the primary message that guys hear. It comes down to something like, "If you do it right she'll have a mattress-thrashing, scream-into-the-pillow orgasm and be your devoted bed partner forever. If you mess up she'll be sleeping with your arch rival tomorrow and the rest of your life will be miserable because you ruined your one chance at the only person you could ever love."

hm.. I see. strange how it defies logic. It's a tricky situation. I don't want it to sound like i'm telling him "I don't expect much from you" in a bad way. I just don't expect anybody to instinctively know how to give my unique body pleasure when I can't figure it out myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

If it's actually a new question or a different topic, please start a new thread. If it pertains to THIS thread, find this thread and post in it.

ok, that makes sense thanks for re-locating tip too.

[Tiay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

You would do young people a major favor if you DID give a little feedback about your experience - how you two arranged things, what you did, what worked/didn't work, what you'd change/not change if you could do it again, what advice was on the mark or way off target, etc.

sorry, forgot to quote that bit. I very much agree. So, is it best to wait for a thread to come up where the feedback is appropriate? lol, probably the last thing I should be worrying about..

[daletom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

sorry, forgot to quote that bit. I very much agree. So, is it best to wait for a thread to come up where the feedback is appropriate? lol, probably the last thing I should be worrying about..

You seem to be intelligent (the MOST important sex organ is between the ears ) and lucid - I'd like to see you start a new thread. Maybe "My Actual First Time Experience", or something like that.

(Just don't be jotting down notes while your guy is deflowering you, so you can share your experience here !)

[daletom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

Please be careful - physically and emotionally - with that experimentation!

how do you mean? I meant, I'm going to do more heavy petting before I 'go for it'.

Yes, I think you and your B/F should use "heavy petting" (the currently fashionable term may be "outercourse" - seed a search engine with that term) to get acquainted with your bodies and learn each others' responses.

I think there may have been real value to old-fashioned courtship practices - like from a century ago. Restricting a couple's pre-marital lovemaking to kisses, fondling, "bundling", etc forced them to not only learn to read each others' responses, but also taught some very pleasurable things to incorporate into married lovemaking. As a grey-haired old married guy, I actually wish my wife WOULD spend more time fondling, deep kissing, etc before she asks me to go down on her, or slide into her. We used the non-coital activities extensively during our engagement. They are ultimately not a substitute for relational intercourse, but I will say without qualification that without them it would have been MUCH harder - or impossible - to keep my promise to "wait for marriage".

Physical dangers: They tell me you can get pregnant from heavy petting. I can't confirm or deny that; I know we had a "pregnancy scare" before marriage when her period came late. I thought it would be a pretty rotten deal for her to end up pregnant when we hadn't even experienced intercourse!

Physical/Emotional dangers: Make sure you and your B/F understand each others' limits, restrictions, and objectives. And - more importantly - you are mutually committed to help each other abide by them. Discuss this in broad daylight - not at midnight in his dorm room! Otherwise you run the risk of feeling you've been taken advantage of, or that he failed you when you needed reinforcement. Can you ask each other, in the midst of passion, "You agreed we weren't going to do that yet - have you changed your mind?". If not, there's likely to be some heated words exchanged about who's the tease, who's pushing the limits, who can't be trusted , etc.

(I'll come back to some of the other items when I get the time. I haven't forgotten about you!)

[daletom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

The "Catch 22" (have you actually read Heller's novel?)

no.. and worse still, I didn't know there was a novel.

"Catch-22", by Joseph Heller, is a common entry on High School syllabi and reading lists in the U.S. The work is loosely based on the author's experience as a U.S. Army Air Corps bomb/nav in the Mediterranean theatre during WWII. It projects a somewhat sarcastic and satirical view of bureaucratic institutions and those who either exploit them or are victimized. Aside from the fact that sexual exploits of horny soldiers show up at various places in the story, it really doesn't have anything to do with this topic. When somebody uses a buzz-phrase like "Catch-22" it triggers my sadistic need to find out if they really know what they're talking about.

[Tiay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

the MOST important sex organ is between the ears

thank god, a guy finally agrees with me.. I haven't met many men who get that it's almost completely mental. For me, anyways. I mean, everything I had read about 'outercourse' was mechanical, and just left me kind of cold. The best part isn't mechanical. It's when he whispers 'it's ok, babe' in my ear. hm. I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

I'd like to see you start a new thread [...] Just don't be jotting down notes while your guy is deflowering you

hehe, ok, thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

Restricting a couple's pre-marital lovemaking to kisses, fondling, "bundling", etc forced them to not only learn to read each others' responses, but also taught some very pleasurable things to incorporate into married lovemaking.

I concur, though nowadays it seems to me hardly anybody waits for marriage. I know my B/F would run just at the mention of that heh Those that do wait could also be people who are made to believe that all sexual things are dirty, so they don't engage in meaningful outercourse, .. or they rush impatiently into marriage and later get divorced, though I don't know how often that happens. It really depends on the people. Certainly waiting, even if it's not for marriage, is good. Hey, sort the good ones from the bad ones, eh? I try to tell myself, if the guy can't wait for you he isn't worth it anyway. Gah, it's harder in real life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

They tell me you can get pregnant from heavy petting

Yeah, I've heard that too. I also had a 'scare' involving a late cycle, though I think it's probably very unlikely to get pregnant that way. I suppose going on birth control like the pill would put my mind at ease. I was thinking about that implant thing that goes under the skin in your arm and releases hormones over 3 years. no remembering pills, and it's instant.. and I can get it for free. The problem with all hormonal things is all the stuff you have to put up with. Some women get great skin and no periods from them, others bleed for months, get acne and get fat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

Discuss this in broad daylight.

the advantage of a long distance relationship is that you get to talk and talk and talk about things, and we talk (and talk) about anything that could build resentment in the future.. almost excessively, we've recently realised..

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Originally Posted by daletom

not at midnight in his dorm room

Good advice gosh, I'm glad we've usually had an apartment to ourselves. Except the thing where the guest room is under my parents room.. I don't like that..

Quote:

Originally Posted by daletom

it triggers my sadistic need to find out if they really know what they're talking about.

haha.. I see.
I would dig up some obscure phrase you used somewhere here and throw it back at you by using phrases.org.uk to look it up, but it turns out I'm just much too lazy.

thanks again for your time, it's been really helpful
-T