Everything's perfect - but for the sex

[the_passenger]

Okay, here goes. I have an eighteen year old girlfriend, who I'm desperately in love with, and we've been together for several months. Everything's wonderful but for the sex, which is non-existent. I know she loves me a lot, I trust her immensely but this problem is constantly gnawing on my security. She's still a virgin and has a kind of fear or repulsion towards breaking that "barrier", or maybe she's just afraid of the unknown.

It's not about sex - she even told me, in an outburst of kindness, that I can look for that elsewhere and she'd be okay with it... - it's about sex with the person I love, which is totally different. And as a rather old-fashioned guy, I wouldn't be able to separate love from sex. Yes, I've had my share of casual sex before her, but I couldn't imagine cheating on her.

I can't understand, I feel myself slowly and surely growing tense and frustrated. I hope there are people out there who can relate to this, and maybe share past experience or help me out. Damn it, I used to be a different kind of person. So this is what being in love feels like ... Help.




loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=15245
I found this thread while looking for my "problem", only it's exactly the girl's point of view. At least I know I'm not alone...

[The Great OV!!!]

Where did you find a virgin!?!?! I want one! I hate none virgin girls...they suck! you should be glad she is one.

[the_passenger]

Oh, virgin or not, i didn't look for one. Had no idea about her sex life when i fell for her.

Everything about her attracts me. She's caring, she's fantastically smart, she's really pretty, she saved me from a series of failed relationships. Everything but her phobia of sex.

In the first two-three months it was okay, but slowly, intimacy with her is turning painful everytime she won't go further.

I guess my problem isn't exactly a matter of life and death, but i really beg of you not to joke about it - well, at least keep the jokes decent - because it's a frustration. I just hope someone can give me a hint of how to treat my own mind, since I don't think anyone would be able to explain the intricacies of the female mind.

Please!...
And excuse my squeaky grammar, if I happen to make mistakes - I'm from a corner of Eastern Europe where we don't really get to use English a lot ...

[The Great OV!!!]

Besides the fact that I was not joking (everyone else knows)...can't you just talk about it with her? Do you know if she is just scared to have sex or if she is saving it?

[the_passenger]

I talked to her about this. She was raised in a rather strict family and I guess, like many girls, she sees sex as painful, gross, whatever...

I'm afraid not to upset her or sound demanding. She keeps thanking me for "waiting for her". I keep banging my head to a virtual wall everytime I tell her it's no big deal, other things matter more, I'd wait for her till...

But I'm a man, it's only natural, and i feel this somehow prevents me from feeling truly loved and happy. And it's annoying, and I feel like I'm giving everything, but receiving (everything minus sex) in return. And, well, sex is important for a healthy relationship, isn't it?

[Frasbee]

It is dude, you have every right to be frustrated.

Just as she has every right to refrain from sex.

Either you both find some kind of way to cope with each other's wants/needs or break up.

[the_passenger]

It's quite stupid of me to be looking for advice on the Internet, when I suppose the only right way is the two of us looking for a solution in each other and in ourselves.

But, as I said earlier, I don't know how to tell her what I feel without her believing that I'm just a sex-obsessed stereotype male, especially given that... she doesn't know what it feels like. What it feels like to have sex with the person you love, and what it feels like to - well - need sex.

I'm quite a testosterone-laden individual, I have a strong sex drive. Before her, I had relationships that ... well, kind of sucked, but were accomplished in what regards intimate moments in bed. And a few of my friends are women I had sex with just because we were physically compatible and enjoyed it - like watching a movie or playing cards. Now it's not like that... But I think I already said that a few times.

Has anyone been through my experience? And gotten over it?...

[Frasbee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by the_passenger

I don't know how to tell her what I feel without her believing that I'm just a sex-obsessed stereotype male

You are a stereotypical male.

Which means you're just like most every other guy out there.

If she can't understand how sex is a need, then she has some maturing to do.

Just don't tell it to her like that.

See if you can't ease her into the idea.

Or what about oral, or masturbation?

Is she as adverse to those too?

If she's open, but still timid, get some literature or something, avoid pornography.

[The Great OV!!!]

LoL, this guy makes sex sound so casual...like watching a movie or playing cards.

[Gribble]

It can be. And it's sooo much better that way.

[elNatural]

the best sex is when both of you are completly open and can have fun, you know the sex is great if you can laugh but then quell that laughter with pleasure

[vashti]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frasbee

It is dude, you have every right to be frustrated.

Just as she has every right to refrain from sex.

Either you both find some kind of way to cope with each other's wants/needs or break up.

This is obviously the only solution.

[The Great OV!!!]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gribble

It can be. And it's sooo much better that way.

I wouldn't make it sound all formal or anything either but I think it is serious enough not to just **** a friend or someone who you are not dating. It is supposed to be done between two people who love each other, anything else degrades and destroys the integrity of the act itself. I couldn't careless though, it doesn't bother me how other people have sex...as long as I have nothing to do with them.

[NeoSeminole]

welcome to the wonderful world of making grown up decisions. The choice you make will determine what kind of man you are.

[the_passenger]

Thank you for all the feedback. I know I'm a stereotypical male, because, in the end, it's all about instinct and natural urges and drives, and we're all the same but for the 1 in a million, who i'm not. But she probably thinks I am...

This evening (It'll probably be early morning for your timezones ) I'm going to gather the courage to tell her what I feel like and cut all the "who cares about sex" crap.

I don't know how to make her understand.

Quote:

Or what about oral, or masturbation? Is she as adverse to those too?

. She's most definitely going to find those awkward and strange.

I've seen girls like her change their views radically after going through their first experiences, but I just don't want to take the chance on her, because I care way too much about her to disrespect her principles. I just think it's wrong that *she* denies herself a great pleasurable experience, and I want to ease her out of her narrow thinking, I just don't know how to.

P. S. Today's Romanian urban society - at least the segment we're part of, me and my girlfriend - is almost completely atheist, so there are no Christian views involved. She's probably been taught by her parents that sex is wrong, because they still see her as an immature child. They really don't trust her to be responsible, though - in all matters but this - I haven't seen a girl her age to be so mature in thinking.

Sure, her parents don't dig me either, a fact only based on me being her boyfriend, since otherwise my academic achievements are far over average (so are hers), I'm an aspiring artist and a three times published author. Unfortunately, my expectations are just as high... Especially after four (I started at 15 - it came naturally) years of a balanced life (taken into account I'm not a geek or a sex maniac), with - as mentioned earlier - sex on a regular basis.

She keeps telling me "sex is overrated", but how could she know?

Frustrating, frustrating...

Really, no first-hand experience? Maybe some deep psychological stuff?... I wish I were better at people.