Did she only want sex?

[Indus18]

Hey all! It's been a long time since I've posted here; just been busy this year w/ the 2 majors and a minor. If any of you remember me, you'll remember that last time I was here, I was really idealistic, caught up in morals, romance, and not so much into hook-ups.

Well being busy, and idealistic, and really picky when it comes to women, it had been about a year since I'd been with a girl (my ex-gf of 3.5 years), and of course I'd been lonely, but not so lonely that I was willing to go through the effort and drama of trying to find something new at the moment.

Well, a few nights back, I'd made friends with a few of the people from my play and had them over and we all talked and had a good time and everything, and by the end (very late into the night), I felt like i had divulged a lot about my life. We had a long discussion about Ex's (and you may remember I had a lot to say about that) and I also talked about how something's happened to me since my break-up where I haven't really been able to sleep at night, just chronic insomnia and the like. (just a side note: we were all sober)

At the end of the night, when the girl and three guys left (she went to drop them home, but she lives in my building) I went through my usual routine of trying to sleep for about half an hour before I heard a knock at the door. It was the girl (from whom I'd never gotten any signals, and personally, though she's definitely attractive, just isn't my type). She started talking to me about how she felt bad I couldn't sleep, and how she was worried i'd be kicked out of my class the next day if I missed it (i tend to sleep through alarms after only getting a couple hours of sleep; on average i sleep about 4 hours a night). She offered to stay and make sure I didn't sleep through my alarms, and as I talked to her, and set up the couch for her, she kissed me.

I didn't want to be an asshole, and I know i'll never have a relationship w/ her, so I told her I wasn't ready for anything, and that my life was too complicated right now, but she still said she didn't care because she knows I'm such a sweet guy, and she woudlnt' feel used even if it was just that night. Well, long story short, I acted reluctantly (boy-ish, even, which I would think would be a total turn-off) because I've never had a one night stand before, I don't believe in acting that way, but obviously I was really lonely after it having been a year since i've really touched a girl, and she kept pursuing. After all the foreplay, we had sex for about 45 minutes before my alarm rang. I dind't finish (my mind was on too many things), but she did.

We had coffee, she dropped me off to class, and said "see you at rehearsal," which was 8 hours from then, so I thought I had time to reflect. Well, right after my class, as soon as I had gotten home, she had texted me and asked what I was up to. I said I was taking a nap, and she asked if she could come up and see me. I said I was falling asleep, but I'd leave the door unlocked. She came up, locked my door, took off all her clothes except for boyshorts (I had mentioned the night before that they were my favorite kind of women's underwear) and got into bed w/ me. I can't remember what she said for the life of me but I remember saying "fine," and stopped spooning her, and turned over and went to sleep. When I woke up once and opened my eyes, however, she was looking at me, and smiling broadly. She seemed extremely happy, and i wont' even bother going into all the romantic things she said to me the night before and that day, but I almost felt afraid she was falling for me.

However, when I woke up the second time, she was gone. At rehearsal she didn't speak to me. The next day she didn't either. Then at a party the next day she made out with two guys right in front of me, and finally today when I tried to talk to her on the phone because I was worried I offended her or something, she said that she regretted "being a whore" that night, and that I shouldn't take her not speaking to me "personally".

Now, I don't really care if nothing else happens between us, and honestly, she's not even the kind of friend that I feel would be long-term. However, based on the things she said, the way she acted, the way she even wanted to spend the next day with me, and then all of a sudden the coldness, and the flat-out turning me down to hang out when I asked her today, I'm confused as hell. I told her I'm not going to ask her again, so she should come talk to me if she realizes she wants to change things between us, but considering that she's only one of TWO people i've slept with now, I"M suddenly feeling used, and very confused. Anyone who bothered to read all that have any insight they'd like to offer?

[GrkScorp]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indus18

I'm confused as hell. I told her I'm not going to ask her again, so she should come talk to me if she realizes she wants to change things between us, but considering that she's only one of TWO people i've slept with now, I"M suddenly feeling used, and very confused. Anyone who bothered to read all that have any insight they'd like to offer?

Yeah! Okay!

She liked you, and wanted to push her luck with you.. So when she came into your room, she came in with the intention of one-upping things a little bit.. but her emotions & feelings got the best of her, and she couldn't resist the urge to express her affection towards you.. So she kissed you, one thing lead to an other.. we know how it goes..

So what happened? After that point, she felt attached, connected, a sense of some bond between the two of you.. But as you said, you weren't on the same page.. (this is why i'm against one-night-stands, because recently, i've actually been on her end of one, and it's not a pretty place to be in)

I believe my brother gave me this peom to read once, about how love is like a silk prison, you have the physical power to escape, because the bars are not made of iron.. at least you could bang your head against iron.. but you don't have the emotional strength to espace.. everytime she stands on top of you, with her naked body, looking into your eyes, to find love.. you don't want to lie.. and when she doesn't find love, she'll settle for hope.. and so you find yourself trapped in this silk prison..

The reason she reacted this way, is because she doesn't want to settle for hope.. She's heartbroken now that she knows that you don't feel the same way.. the feeling of "hope" is starting to creep up in her mind.. "maybe if I make him jealous, maybe if I cut him off and stop talking to him, maybe he'll chase after me, maybe he'll come get me, and want me".. That's the thought process.. but it's not in words, it's mostly just a feeling.. a burning fire that's motivating her to do these things and act this way..

And what you're doing, is giving this fire, fuel to burn on.. Everytime you deny her, every time you tell her that you're not going to speak to her again, when you ignore her.. She's feeling more like an idiot for what she did.. that night with you..

This is why she "feels" like a "wh0re".. because she now realizes that you didn't feel the same way.. you're not giving her back the same level of affection she gave you.. The feeling isn't mutual.. so what she "means" is that she feels like an idiot..

The considerate thing to do is, to meet up with her in person, or call her back and talk to her.. tell her:

"Look, i've been doing some thinking about everything you told me.. And I just thought that you should know, that what happened that night, wasn't one way.. And when you came back in the morning.. there's a reason the door to my room was open.. there's a reason it wasn't locked.. i'm the one who left it unlocked.. I didn't want to lock you out after we had sex.. I wanted you to come back.. think about it.. So, I don't want you to feel like a wh0re for what happened that night between us.. because that's not at all how I feel about it.. If I had the energy from the night before, i'd wake up and pay more attention to you, but I was just tired, i'm sorry.. and.. you're really nice.. but you also know my schedule.. you know how my life is right now.. you've seen it for yourself.. and I don't want what we have to be like those two nights.. where it's one night of sex, and then one night where i'm too tired to turn around and pay any attention to you because i'm exhausted.. we both don't want that.. that's why I told you, that I don't think it's going to work out.. what we had was great.. it was sweet and thoughtful of you, and I can't say anyone has every done that before.. it meant a lot.. but it can't go on.. so we should just stop this and move on.."

Best,

GrkScorp

[bluesummer]

Well, I really think she's being a bit of an idiot, myself.

You were straight up and told her you weren't looking for a relationship or anything, and she acknowledged that and still slept with you. If she was really cool with this, she would've kept it friendly and left it at that. However, it seems to me that she was playing on that dumb female fallacy of "If I sleep with him maybe he will like me!". Duh. Why do girls not get this?

So your lack of attention showed her that her theory was wrong and she probably felt rejected and embarrassed. Stupid, though really. It's not like you led her to believe you were interested in her. So it's all self-inflicted. You shouldn't feel guilty or used, you just took what was offered. If she chose to play mind games with you over it, that's her issue and not yours.

[Indus18]

I really appreciate those of you that read this. Grkscorp, I've now tried Several times to talk to her, but she outright refuses to talk about things. Even when her car broke down at rehearsal (and she lives in the same building as me) she refused to get a ride w/ me. She's avoiding me hardcore.

And bluesummer, that's generally what I'm hearing from a lot of guys, but the fact that I may have hurt her (I now remember saying some things when she came over to "nap" that I guess could be seen as offensive, though I dind't mean them to be. I was just exhausted and not thinking.) really bothers me. Plus, she was sort of the focal point in a group of friends I hung out w/ (2 gay guys, and a huge, sweet (but unattractive at around 350 lbs) guy who likes her, me, and her) and now the group hangs out without me which is pretty hurtful. So I guess that's another reason I care.

I'm thinking of rephrasing, and abridging this story and then starting a new thread cuz there is some slightly new information, and I feel like a lot of people were turned off by the length of my original post. :-\ Not sure though.

[Gigabitch]

You can't hold yourself responsible for her wacky, self-destructive behavior. Nothing you did or said caused he to start acting mental. She did it because, well, she's mental.

Her behavior is actually consistent, even if it looks erratic from your point of view. She does things recklessly. She threw herself at you and now she's reacting in an extreme way to a situation she created for herself.

You're just caught up in the mess that is her life. Consider yourself lucky that she's staying away from you. You wouldn't want a girl like that to fixate on you, would you?

Stop beating yourself up about it. You hold yourself to an unrealistic standard. No wonder you can't sleep.