Just married, need advice - Love Forum

married · #1 (**permalink**) 18-04-08, 11:14 AM

Hi guys I'm new to these forums, so if I posted this in the wrong section this I'm sorry!

Okay well I'll start from the beginning. My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years. Recently (1 month ago), we got married and are both happy. Well during the times when we were together before marriage he would always want to have sex with me and such. Well I thought it was normal for a guy, but for me I didnt want sex until after marriage. It was just a personal thing and I didnt want to lose my virginity. He would always tease me saying that once I actually had sex then I would want it even more than him. So finally we did get married and finally had sex that same night.

Well the sex that night was the best experience of my life. I just loved it so much that I really wanted it more. I just cannot stop thinking about having sex now. I've tried to "do" it with him without trying to sound like he was right. And that is where the problem came in. I dont mind accepting that I was wrong but I also dont want him to think of me as a wife who is slutty and just wants sex all the time. He is sometimes lazy, when I try to push him to start having sex, he becomes lazy and either falls asleep or starts to watch TV.

I dont know what to do because I cant stand not having sex at least once a day, but I dont want him to think differently of me. Anyone have any ideas how to approach this?

Oh and I did ask my older cousins and friends about this situation. They said they never really had a problem with this at all. So I really need advice. Thanks!

vashti · #2 (**permalink**) 18-04-08, 11:57 AM

Sex drives are widely variable. It is normal for you to want it once a day; it is normal for him to want it less often. This is where negotiation and compromise comes in. You will need to become expert at these things if you want your marriage to last. How often does he think is ideal?

BTW - I sometimes wonder if the guys who are actually willing to wait long periods of time for sex are able to do so because they have a lower sex drive than their peers.

bluesummer · #3 (**permalink**) 19-04-08, 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by married

I dont mind accepting that I was wrong but I also dont want him to think of me as a wife who is slutty and just wants sex all the time.

Well, first of all, there's nothing 'slutty' about wanting sex all the time, especially with the man you're married to. He should consider himself lucky! You enjoy sex and have a healthy sex drive and that is nothing to feel ashamed of or bothered by.

Vash is right, though.....you need to discuss and figure out where you guys can 'meet in the middle'. Maybe he only wants sex twice a week and you want it every day....so you can compromise and have it three to four times. It's about balance and communication. You will work it out. In most relationships where there's sex before marriage, this schedule has already been sort of predetermined.....so it doesn't generally become an issue after marriage unless someone's libido starts to divebomb. But that's another story.

Only-virgins · #4 (**permalink**) 19-04-08, 04:16 PM

So much for the "must try before you buy" bullshit. That went out the stupid window here. Congrats on proving all those idiots wrong.

Gigabitch · #5 (**permalink**) 20-04-08, 08:42 AM

Are you religious? Has it occurred to you that you're failing to appreciate your God-given gifts by letting them get all rusty and dusty?

You were made to have sex. You were made to like it. What the hell is wrong with you? Sluts are people who have an inappropriate relationship to sex. Wanting to jump your husband's bones every day is the most appropriate thing I can imagine.

Get on the stick. Really.

misombra · #6 (**permalink**) 20-04-08, 10:27 AM

i know a good divorce lawyer...

Gigabitch · #7 (**permalink**) 20-04-08, 12:34 PM

I would also like to mention that if you are trying to have sex with him without trying to seem like you're into it, that's a huge turn-off for him. Why would he want to get into bed with a cold fish?

IndiReloaded · #8 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluesummer

Well, first of all, there's nothing 'slutty' about wanting sex all the time, especially with the man you're married to.

There's an awful lot of married men out there who would LOVE to have a 'slutty' wife like you. "Lady on the street but a freak in the bed", you know?

You're fine; put a Viagra in his beer when he gets home. Problem solved.

Kromat · #9 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

There's an awful lot of married men out there who would LOVE to have a 'slutty' wife like you. "Lady on the street but a freak in the bed", you know?

You're fine; put a Viagra in his beer when he gets home. Problem solved.

Maybe you need to set up a schedule for him and the chores he should do before he gets any in order to please you, and shows that he cares.

P.S. I guess It's more common for people to not get married nowadays.

Mishanya · #10 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by married

Well during the times when we were together before marriage he would always want to have sex with me and such. Well I thought it was normal for a guy, but for me I didnt want sex until after marriage. It was just a personal thing and I didnt want to lose my virginity. He would always tease me saying that once I actually had sex then I would want it even more than him. So finally we did get married and finally had sex that same night.

Well the sex that night was the best experience of my life. I just loved it so much that I really wanted it more. I just cannot stop thinking about having sex now. I've tried to "do" it with him without trying to sound like he was right. And that is where the problem came in. I dont mind accepting that I was wrong but I also dont want him to think of me as a wife who is slutty and just wants sex all the time. He is sometimes lazy, when I try to push him to start having sex, he becomes lazy and either falls asleep or starts to watch TV.

This thing with differences in sex drives is exactly the reason why I believe that no sex before marriage is a bad idea. The question you have to ask yourself now, what happens if he has a low sex drive? What happens if he's only interested in doing it once a week for example? Will you succumb to this or will you seek the end of the relationship? Because if you do seek to end relationship on these grounds in the future it will now be very hypocritical of you. You will become the person who prided herself on relationship always over sex to the person who now values the exact opposite. You will feel guilty.

Negotiation is your friend, this is the only thing you can do now really. Find out what his sex drive is and try to work with it. You will have to be patient and understanding of your partners needs and you will have to navigate very carefully around this sensitive subject area. Whatever the outcome of this is, you have to keep in the back of your mind that it wasn't his fault that you didn't want to try this out before marriage. He came into marriage with the understanding that you will accept him and his sex drive as it is.

vashti · #11 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 08:43 AM

I don't think that no sex before marriage is the problem. No two people have identical sex drives, and therefore ALL relationships require some effort at compromise in this area. Besides, sex drives fluctuate, even in people who are normally a pretty good match.

Mishanya · #12 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 08:50 AM

Sex before marriage in itself is not the problem and two people with different sex drives in a relationship do need to work it out. The problem (imo) is the reason why people expect no sex before marriage. They expect sex before marriage ussually because they put relationship above sex and thus in doing so they loose their right to ever lower the relationship below it. They loose their right to demand harmony in the bedroom because this wasn't one of their expectations when going into marriage to begin with.

Once again, in my humble opinion

vashti · #13 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 08:56 AM

Once again, I disagree. I don't see how not having sex before marriage exempts one from the obigation to pursue sexual harmony.

Mishanya · #14 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 09:53 AM

It doesn't exempt, hence I recommended for her to negotiate with him and work out the best pattern that will work for them. It just takes away the right of the party that insisted on no sex before marriage to make demands and complaints. They can't complain about something that wasn't on their marriage expectation list in the first place.

vashti · #15 (**permalink**) 21-04-08, 10:14 AM

Who said a satisfactory sex life wasn't on their list of marriage expectations?