First threesome last night, need advice - Love Forum

problemgirl · #1 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 12:44 PM

Desperatly need some advice and comfort My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. Over the last year we have talked about having a threesome. It was something i thought was a fanstasy of mine. I was actually the one encouraging us to be with another couple or another girl. We finally met someone that I liked last nite and who liked both of us and made it clear she was intrested in having some fun. The night was not planned we just met her randomly at a bar and were already drinking. We went from bar to bar all of us heavily drinking and flirting and then went back to her place. My boyfriend and I had agreed before this that if we ever did anything we wouldn't have sex with the other couple or person, just oral. Well one thing led to another and when it came down to them having sex I said it's okay do it thinking it would turn me on. WRONGGGGGGGGGGG It made me sick although i pretended to enjoy it, in my head I was thinking he's really doing it, that assshole,it's over. I don't understand my emotions. I thought I wanted this. It was my idea. He passed out after and I stayed up all night crying and sick. In the morning i told him I was not okay with what happened, that I hated him and that he should leave. He didn;t understand and was upset but left. I can't stop thinking about him making love to her. That he wanted her that I was obviously not enough. I so angry and sick and yet I feel I can't be because I wanted this. What's wrong with me? Is this something you think I can get over because I am not sure I can. I wish I could go back and erase it all. We were so good before this. Sincerly, Huge Regrets Anyone else go throught this?

Illusional · #2 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 02:58 PM

well i'll be very blunt with you. i for one don't think that you should blame your bf. true you are very hurt right now, and you have talked about this before, BUT both of you come to the understanding about oral and what not before the intercourse happened. however how many conscious decisions would you hold yourself liable for when you're drunk? probably not too many. my bottom line is that both of you agreed that it was alright for your bf and this girl to have sex. you didn't know that it wasn't gonna turn you off and make you angry, so you can't really put the blame on him. you have told him that it was alright for the both of them to have sex, mainly because you were drunk and you always wanted to experiement on this threesome mystery. you might actually want to take a step back and look at this also from his angle. you tell him something is alright, then you get mad at him?? if i were him, i'd also be mad.

instead of staying upset and and hating him, why not try and work around the problem. both of you have been together for a while, and i'm sure that you can get past this. if not, then i would say it's your loss.

raverboy

shenmue · #3 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 03:39 PM

It isn't the worst thing that happened that night. You said you were all drunk right? Well unless you walked to all these bars you were DIVING DRUNK and you're lucky nothing happened.

Tomek · #4 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 03:41 PM

I agree with Illusional....you let him have sex with her, and now your mad at him? kinda strange. I think you should talk about it with him, and dont blame him for something you wanted.

Hope it turns out OK with you guys

Clifton · #5 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 07:21 PM

yeah, your an idiot for doing it in the first place, you do those things when your single and expiriementing, not when your in a positive, healthy, relationship. its just borderline retardism

misombra · #6 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 10:15 PM

yeah, it's hard to share your guy, even if you're willing, even if all parties are pickled. but you said it was okay, and he wanted to do it to turn you on. not very many people out there would go to such great lengths to turn you on, right? clifton is right though, threesomes are good in fantasies or with single people. talk to him about it. he didn't do anything wrong. you set the rules and then get mad when he follows them, that's not fair. imagine if he was upset because you ate her out when he said that it was okay and that it turned him on. you all learned your lesson now get on with life.

blue · #7 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 10:31 PM

wow i have been where you are but not to that extent that you are totally frekin. ( ok i did go phyco) but thats only cuz he left me sleeping and took her to the movies w/out telling me or leaving me at least a note.
When it comes to matters of the heart you tread carefully. You were down!
But then you werent and you didint even speak your mind you did not say stop when you utterly were so digusted by it when it made you feel uncomfortable thats more ****ed up to me than your b/f actually going through with it. Lets face it alot of guys are down.

misombra · #8 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 10:44 PM

wow. he took her to the movies? i'm so sorry, that is terrible.

blue · #9 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 10:49 PM

yes it was horrible & then after he told me he wanted to break up and be with other women thats when i went really bonkers! It hurt but oh well im ok now and we ended up back together

joe schmoe · #10 (**permalink**) 26-11-04, 11:06 PM

bottom line - don't get into threesomes with people you have feelings for, leave it to the single and unattached cuz someone always comes out of it worse for wear

problemgirl · #11 (**permalink**) 27-11-04, 04:00 AM

Thank you all for your posts. I really appreciate your opinions, and to make it clear we weren't driving drunk. We actually have about four bars in walking distance of eachother and when we left we took DD which is a free drunk driving ride offered locally. Anyway I think some of you misunderstood me. I am not angry at him for having sex with her although I wish he would of been the one to say no we agreed, that's taking it to far whatever. He didn't. What i am struggling with is my own insecurites now. I just feel if he really loved me he wouldn't have wanted to make love to another woman or that maybe i just don't know him like or his love for me like i thought. I don't know my head is just all messed up now. I can't stop thinking of him on top of her. Hopefully I will get over this, I love him to much to let this ruin us but it just really hurts. I agree for anyone playing with the idea of having a threesome with someone you love, don't. It's not a fantasy and it's not fun.

PoetsRevenge84 · #12 (**permalink**) 27-11-04, 04:18 AM

It sounds to me like you were puting your love to the test without his knowledge. Maybe even without your own. What's done is done. There isn't anything to complain about. You set the rules and then you threw the rules out the window. It was your fault and you really have no right to be any bit mad at him. If you didn't want him to keep going at it, you should have stopped it. He would have understood. You just let it keep happening and you pretended you liked it. It really sounds to me like you were playing head games. Cut the guy some slack. You offered him a threesome. Most guys wouldnt turn that down. You mislead him and I think it's you who should be saying sorry here. You must have him all confused and worried now. It's not fair. If you didn't like it, talk to him and tell him no more. Get on with your life and let the past stay in the past. No harm done. Just let it be over.

problemgirl · #13 (**permalink**) 27-11-04, 04:31 AM

I wasn't playing headgames, up to that point I was quite turned on, I even thought i wanted to see him be with her. I had know idea the emotions that followed, and after I said yes and they were going at it I didn't know how to stop it. We have been talking and he understands how i feel and is deeply sorry and like I said I told him I am not mad at him or angry just having a lot of doubts and insecurities and need some time. I was hoping for more insight on why i am feeling this way, wasn;t expecting everyone to say i'm in the wrong here. Thanks anyway

PoetsRevenge84 · #14 (**permalink**) 27-11-04, 04:44 AM

Alright... All feelings aside... I think I know what is going on here. You had this fantasy where you and your S.O. were in a situation where you were able to have a threesome. It was hot and steamy but remember, you had COMPLETE control of the situation within your mind. If you wanted your boyfriend to do something, he just did it. If you wanted the other party to do something, they'd do it. There was no stress or pressure on any sides. Fantasies are a scary thing when they are acted out. You no longer have control and what you thought would turn you on no longer does. Fantasies should almost never be acted out. Especially the kind that involve someone else. Like others have said, save threesomes for the single life and experimentation. Never do that with someone you care about. You lost control once the situation was no longer a fantasy but something that was really unfolding in front of you. That's what happened and in order to get past it, you just need to forgive yourself and your boyfriend. Forgiveness isn't for him, it's for you. You will feel better some day. These feelings are fresh. Just give it time. And I'm sorry we all jumped down your throat. We just all feel very sorry for your boyfriend (and you too). We just don't want you to put the blame on him. Good luck with everything. I am going to be lingering around for a little longer if you have any questions or anything. Again, sorry. Hope you feel better.

problemgirl · #15 (**permalink**) 27-11-04, 05:11 AM

I understand. It's funny though I get different responses from everyone and it's confusing. Most of my girlfriends said if he loved you he would have never gone through with it even to of my guy friends said that. If they had me they would never want anyone else. So some people have been putting these doubts in my head and making me feel worse ya know. Oh well I don't even want to think about it anymore right now.